Posted by: help | 2008/11/11

husband had affair?

My husband passed away a couple of weeks ago. Since then I have discovered a lot of things that has lead me to believe he had feelings for a woman he worked with. I' ve had my suspicions about this for a couple of months when he was still alive, but everytime I asked him he vigorously denied it. I also know this woman and I have spoken to her once after his death. She promised me that nothing happened between them. But now it is as if this thing doesn' t want to let me go and I am scared that she' s lying. I don' t know what I want to do if I know. But it is as if I won' t have peace without knowing everything.

Will it be the right thing to speak to her again? She is married and I am just afraid that she won' t be truthful because she has a lot to loose, and my husband isn' t alive anymore to defend himself. I am also afraid that I might learn something that afterwards I will wish I rather didn' t know.

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Our expert says:
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Maybe he had some feelings ; maybe they weren't what you are assuming them to be ; maybe they represented fondness for a pleasant colleague, rather than anything underhand ; maybe indeed nothing happened between them. Do realize that in this life, we can NEVER EVER "know everything" --- you don't even know everything about yourself.
There's nothing she can say which would make you feel better --- if she says there was nothing, you don't belioeve her ; if she says there WAS, you'll feel terrible, and may still wonder if it's the truth. Even if, as seems likely, absolutely nothing untoward happened, you don't want to believe her, and there's really no way she can convince you.
Isn't there enough in the facts of your long relationship, that says he DID love you, and aspects of that relationship to remember fondly, rather than pursuing, literally, a dead end ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: almost mad | 2008/11/11

speak to her. Perhaps to get over your loss you need to know the truth and then if something did happen then you need to let go and forgive as there is onthing you can achieve after his death. Forgive and let his soul rest.

Reply to almost mad
Posted by: Mom | 2008/11/11

Why not let sleeping dogs lie as my Gran used to tell me.

Nothing she says will make you feel better and if you think she is lying, then why waste your time and emotional energy?

I am sorry for your loss, but try to remember him before he died, Rather fond memories than suspicion that cant be changed.

Reply to Mom

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