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Question
Posted by: Delene | 2005/11/24

Husband going overseas...I'll be ALONE!!?

Hey Cs,
I just had a long conversation with my hubby.
He has so much stress currently. It is affecting us relationship abit in the sense of...he is there but not "there" .
I dont understand the problem so much, but there is great havock in his family, who is all in Algeria.
he is making the problem so personal, that he cant think, sleep, work or eat. He talks to me about it, i dont understand at all why its a problem, because its stuff that happend here everyday & its fine......but its a cultural thing mostly.....and if it goes on, their family, who is a respectable family will be an outcast in the Village where they live.
I can see this drives him Crazy....
My passport was stolen about 2 weeks ago, and he wants to go there now to sort things out, hence he must go alone.

WE have NEVER been apart, not even for one night.......we are just like that. Glued to one another & one doesnt do nothing without the other, best buddies & husband & wife ya know?

Cho!, the fear of being without him for two weeks, is so much that i feel i want to drown myself in whiskey right now(and i dont drink at all)

We are so attached to one another, even him doesnt wanna leave me behind, and he is torn between his family and me, but we dont have options....

Its been a loooong time since i had an anxiety attack like this & i have no idea how to deal with it.

I dont know why it scares me like this, but it does.

end of the world-thingy

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Hi Delene,
Sorry to hear about this problem and the end-of-the-world thingy. Maybe, with your own strength, or even a couple of sessions with a counsellor, you may be able to get still stronger from this experience, with the two of you remaining happy and close, but capable of feeling that way even when not together.
I really like Frusty's approach, too, about planning some home changes and a welcome-back event, to keep your mind active and focussed on something other than being alone. And maybe a CBT counsellor now to focus on achieving a feeling of comfort and confidence when alone, would make it all the nicer when he's back with you, too. This can be a greatb opportunity albet uncomfortable at first, to discover your own inner strength.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Delene | 2005/11/24

Yes I agree, it makes the difference big time, oh and i did know how yer msg was intended.




Reply to Delene
Posted by: Buzz | 2005/11/24

Delene, I posted my first question on this forum a few years ago. Well, I got such a whipping from a woman called "Petra" (I'll never forget THAT name)!!! I mean what I say, her cruelty almost pushed me over the edge. A few days later, I checked it again and only then read CS' usual, compassionate response. He must have known that I was down, out and close to suicide.

Honesty is always needed, but it's the manner in which it's said, that makes a difference (compassion). And my message to you, as I'm sure you know, was intended to help in a compassionate way.

Reply to Buzz
Posted by: Delene | 2005/11/24

No trust me, i can be a silly girl...I NEED that.

If it wasnt for that, i wouldnt evn be married today
I posted a question here looooooooooooooooooooooooong ago, and doc answered me starting with

"agggh please"

almost like
see a therapist & get a life
LOL

Sumtimes its exactly what is needed.

Reply to Delene
Posted by: Buzz | 2005/11/24

I must be wearing my bossy boots today, sorry Delene, but you know what I meant!!!

Reply to Buzz
Posted by: Delene | 2005/11/24

Buzz, i feel like saying "Yes Mom"
LOL

Thanx.
In my heart I do know things will be just fine.
And its needed...he must go, i cant take to see him the way he is now...he is suffering...SO its best for everyone & everything.

Reply to Delene
Posted by: Buzz | 2005/11/24

Delene, your husband clearly adores you. Don't even think about things that will never happen. Put a smile on your face, even if you're crying inside. Let him go and not worry about you. And you stop worrying about bulls*it okay!

Reply to Buzz
Posted by: Delene | 2005/11/24

Thanx, thanx, thanx.

I am much better now.

I went to the loo.....Sumtimes i do nothing there,so dont get images in yer mind, i just see it as my 5 minute thinking space...LOL

and i was reasoning with myself and realized, im silly now.
He has never dun those things to me....and he wont start just cuz he is in his home country.

Maybe tomorrow i'll have another panick, so be on standby..LOL

thanx ya'll

Reply to Delene
Posted by: lee | 2005/11/24

You can get an emergency passport i think in a couple of days. Can't your husband postpone his trip for a week to enable you to join him?.

If not, i do feel sorry for you. Its dreadful being without your partner. His home and where he belongs is with you.. don't torment yourself with things that have no proof in the existence. Your husbands sounds wonderful and caring.. I don't think he would trade you for a country :)

Good luck

Reply to lee
Posted by: Delene | 2005/11/24

Buzz,

I dont know. Its many things.
Yes, being alone
But its not just that....its the waiting for sumone, the wondering where they are, trying to call, not being able to get hold of them. WOndering if they even think about you.
And yes, i am scared that once he is back in his own environment, he might look back & think.....This south africa & their people, nahh, this is is my home & this is where i belong....

Is many confusing things in my mind.

Reply to Delene
Posted by: Dee | 2005/11/24

Hi Delene

I think you will be very surprised by what you can do without your husband - very much like it was suggested - plan for what you can do that you will enjoy. For me, I just love reading and when hubby is away - I just catch up on reading.

Delene - find that strength inside yourself cos i KNOW YOU'VE GOT IT. If worse comes to worst - aks a friend or relative to stay with you for a day or two until you feel you can cope.
Also - maybe get a pet?? Anything that will get you through.
Panic attacks can be really nasty and can lead to something worse - so you must have a plan in advance to counteract it.

See what you can come up with and we can advise you over the next few days until he leaves.
dheer up
dee

Reply to Dee
Posted by: Buzz | 2005/11/24

Why Delene, are you scared that he might not return? What exactly are you scared of? I thought you were talking about being lonely, stress of worrying about security at night etc.

Reply to Buzz
Posted by: Frusty | 2005/11/24

Delene, you have a wonderful man that loves and cares about you so much. I am glad that he took the time to calm you down. So very sweet. NOW START PLANNING!

Reply to Frusty
Posted by: Delene | 2005/11/24

Buzz, i can believe that it puts strain on a marriage.

My job also requiers travelling sumtimes, but my company knows, either my husband goes with, or I stay.
Theyve excepted me with my package..LOL

Thank all, I guess it will be OK....
Just that initial shock was abit much to take.

X....He is leaving tomorrow morning...No time for emergency passport

Reply to Delene
Posted by: Delene | 2005/11/24

Shame, He just send me an e-mail.
i didnt tell him my reaction, I dont wnt him to maybe feel bad and stay. his family is too important to him.....but i guess he knows me too well.

It just says I mustnt be scared...He loves me and i must worry, he WILL come back.

Now i'm abit calmer.....

Reply to Delene
Posted by: Buzz | 2005/11/24

Delene, I know what you're going through. My husband travels a lot, I don't think I'll ever get used to it or like it, but that's the way it is.

Frusty gave you very good advice. That's exactly what I do when hubby's not around. Before you know it, it will be over. But it's a fact, wives of husband's who travel a lot, take a lot of strain.

You know what's the pits??? We get invited twice a year for a week to the most exotic places, Mauritius, Seychelles, Dubai etc., and we always decline because I have no one to look after my children.

Reply to Buzz
Posted by: Delene | 2005/11/24

Thanx Frusty.

If i can just get pass the "ohhhh my GooooooooooooooooooooooD" feeling, i know i'll be ok.
this current pannick, the shaking, the crying, cant breath

its been about 3 years since i had it....and i was on meds & therapy then, now i'm not. Got no meds, no therapist.

now i sommer feel all by myself.

It has always been my problem. Cant take to be alone.
Its the only thing that has ever given me these attacks.
Since i met my husband, ive never felt like that again. he takes care of me emotionally very well, cuz he knows these things (he studied for a shrink & studied phylosophy)

I guess ive started to rely on him just maybe too much...he Is my councelor in a sence if i make sense. I tell him if i wanna go to the toilet & how i feel about it if you know what i mean..LOL

Reply to Delene
Posted by: X | 2005/11/24

Why don't you go and get an "emergency" passport and go with him!!!

Reply to X
Posted by: Frusty | 2005/11/24

I can actually feel your fear in your posting, Delene! Amazing. Okay, my suggestion would be to divert your mind by planning what you will do while he is gone. Whether it is a surprise for when he comes home or something mundane like painting the house. Just start planning your time for when you will be alone. Use it as an oppertunity to do something that you have been wanting to do for a while but have not got around to. If there is a hobby or sport that you have done in the past or a new one that you would like to do, take either a refresher course or go on a new one. Keep yourself busy. Hope that helps.

Reply to Frusty

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