Posted by: candy | 2013/01/29

husband freemason

hi. My husband become a mason recently and Im not very happy about this. Firstly, we have 2 small children and I also work all day. He'' more involved with his " brothers"  and fundraising than he is with his family. I honestly can''t believe that he is doing this to me. For example, he had something on friday, saturday and monday night. How is that fair to his family? Leaving me to raise the kids? My family is not supportive either and think he''s going overboard like he does with everything else. I can''t leave him, but I want to. My heart is taking strain under all this emotional stress. Talking doesn''t help. Screw this fraternal nonsense, what about your family...

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Our expert says:
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Leaving aside the specifics of the Masons themselves as an organization, there are many other organizations and acivities to which some people, especially men it seems, get too devoted and give far too much time, to the detriment of their marriage and family.
I've seen the same thing with Rotary and many other groups. I sometimes wonder whether guys with low self-esteem feel good about bonding in such a group ( which is usuall adept at ego boosting ) and the "charity" and "fund-raising" activities give them a warm feeling and help them feel all their time spent on this rather than family duties, is justified.
And in some cases there can come to be an almost cult element in the devotion they show to the organization to the exclusion of their other duties in life.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Stacey | 2013/02/01

Hi, my ex got into this. They had the gall to tell him they must check me out as I may be resistant. Damn Right! I refused and let him get on with it. It became the most important thing to him and I drew the line at him bringing in his sword and chant books. If it is so benevolent and so above board how come so secretive? I heard about what goes on from another ex wife and was not happy.
He then told me if I go to church he would divorce me. I said Nope you can leave tonight at 7pm and he did. Not easy. But I found nothing good in it except control and secrets. Not for me.
Get out is my advice. Or get him out.

Reply to Stacey
Posted by: Christina | 2013/01/31

Hey there. Well I''m not married but have been with my Bofriend for 8 years now. And neither of us are like " head of the house"  we always consult each other on whatever we want to do first.
But every relationship is different.

Candy, sit your husband down. Compliment on what he is doing. Cause he seems to be doing it for a good cause. Maybe you should go with something like this. " honey, we need to talk sit down" . Make some coffee. And than say " what you are doing is such a great and good deed. There''s not much people left that will sacrifice their family time to do such a nice thing. However, I am wondering how this will affect our children. Not having their daddy around them on days when they are at home. Let''s be realistic, we both work, our children, are at school, the only free time we have is over the weekends, which is the only time we can bond as a family" . Hear what he has to say. And if he agrees than thank him in being considerate and understanding. But if he disagrees with you than all you day is " well, if that''s how you feel, so be it, but, think about what adults you would like your children to grow up to be one day, and what parents you see themselves as one day, sometimes our children look up to us, as role models" . That''s all.

Good luck

Reply to Christina
Posted by: R | 2013/01/31

You are talking a lot of bull Dee. And Purple as well.
Don''t delve into things you have no understanding of.
You don''t have and never will have the same life lessons I do - be greatful for your life...

Reply to R
Posted by: Dee | 2013/01/31

Oh come on. There is no head of the house in my marriage. We are equals. We are equally responsible for our kids, all payments, housework, etc. We both have equally demanding jobs and I travel a lot for work. This means hubby takes care of the kids when I am away. And he even sees to their meals. He certainly hasn''t made a fuss about having to raise his kids alone or me not being there. And I could have chosen a desk job, so that I could be at home by 5pm everyday.

Life is about compromise. You already said you''re considering leaving. Are you sure that your marriage wasn''t on the rocks already and this is now your weapon to just do as you have wanted to in the first place. You can now justify it by saying your husband isn''t around at all to support you and your kids, bad husband, bad father......

Reply to Dee
Posted by: Maria | 2013/01/30

I have the same kind of marriage as Purple, and would have it no other way.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Female | 2013/01/30

Men should reclaim their positions as head of the house. This women''s lib stuff is nonsense. How can your man have respect and love for you if you have bigger balls than him?

Reply to Female
Posted by: Chris758 | 2013/01/30

Purple it is not a case of being the head of the house that gives the man the right to walk over you as if you were a doormat. It is just that part that I think most women need is that sometimes they need to feel secure knowing that their husband''s are there for them should a crisis come in their way. There are husbands who do this but not all husbands are the same as no wives are the same. In the beginning of time when God created man he created the woman as his equal and his help. Most of us respect this and live by it.

I have seen that women are just as bad and minipulate their husbands when the wife is in charge in the house. Times have changed but I think the role of the husband stays the same.....look after and cherish your family!!!

Reply to Chris758
Posted by: R | 2013/01/30

I think you should rather stick to breastfeeding advice Purple, many women need that. And you do give great advice.
And continue to live in your own reality, while the rest of us live in ours.
Your arguments are out-dated and have nothing to do with the reality many people are experiencing.

Reply to R
Posted by: Purple | 2013/01/30

Seeing someon as the head of the household does mean submitting to them and seeing them and allowing their husbands to treat them like second class citizens.

I would not have married someone who didn''t treat me with courtesy and respect and as an equal partner. he would not have married someone who didn''t show him the same good manners and kindness.

My marriage is not perfect, nobody''s is. However, neither of us is considered less of a person in the marriage by being the head or not the head.

Its got nothing to do with taking responsibility - taking responsibility is something both partners can do, or single people can do for themselves and their families. Its an outdated and sexist attitude. Its not luck that my husband treats me well- we both treat each other that way. Even if I was a stay at home mom, my contribution would be valued - because he''s a decent person and he doesn''t need to go around proclaming he''s the head of a household to be a decent person. Giving someone this role is saying - please walk all over me, I''m a doormat, I live to serve you, I don''t count as much as you purely because i have different hormones and a vagina.

Reply to Purple
Posted by: R | 2013/01/30

No one is talking about servitude Purple. We are talking about men taking responsibility. Not all husbands are like yours.
It is not because there is equality in such a partnership that things are working well for you, it is because of kindness and consideration, and maybe, just maybe, your husband wants you to feel just as important, which is a good thing.
There are more single mothers out there because men fail to take any useful position in the home and relationships, it is not because us single mothers just want them to take the reigns and be the master. It is for the lack of leadership that we find ourselves as the leaders. Trust me, we are not crying to be taken care off, or to have the same power in the relationship...we have enough power to walk away and take all the lifelong responsibility with us...but I geuss you''ll never know what all this means if you''ve never walked in those shoes. And it would mean a lot to a women in those shoes to have a man she can rely on, and depend on.

Reply to R
Posted by: Purple | 2013/01/30

Our household has two equal partners who share mutual respect, decision making and contribution - even if these contributions are in different ways - so I do more child care and he does more lawn mowing.

Yes, treating women as adults has been for the better. Where women are kept in what is basically servitude with the man as head of a household (which is not his rightful position - hahahaha), women are open to abuse and mistreatement.

It is terrifying to see there are still people who think this way.

Candy, have you spoken to your husband and explained that you expect him to pull his weight at home and don''t mind him having lots of extra activities - provided they don''t interfere with family life like they are at the moment? that you''d like him around more and partaking in his children''s lives?

Reply to Purple
Posted by: Leila | 2013/01/30

I agree with Chris and R. Thats what stability is all about.

Reply to Leila
Posted by: XXX | 2013/01/30

He is taking up far too much time outside of his family commitments.Tell him that his family MUST come first &  the odd meeting acceptable but no more than that.

Reply to XXX
Posted by: R | 2013/01/30

Thank u Chris, if more men believed their rightful position and assumed it, there would be more stable families and well-raised children.
I also find myself in a position of single parenthood, and am the head of the household, always have been, and hope to still raise good men out of my 2 sons.. I am not proud of being a single mother, who works full-time, It is hard, emotionally, financially and physically and often wish I had married a man with pride and thoughfulness. We are still married, but he puts nothing into our lives, and I have had enough.
So yes, I wish men still carried that position of being head of the home and family.
I geuss Purple must be one lucky chick even if she shares the title with her Hubby, must be a perfect little world which some of us dream about.

Reply to R
Posted by: Anon | 2013/01/30

Purple, the man being head of the family is about the man protecting his family, caring for them and doing what''s best for his family. If now all of a sudden you start spending most of your time with others and charities than with your own family, is that okay? I don''t think it is. And I''m not saying head of the family according to 19th century standards, surely you evolve as time goes on, but in essense he needs to be there for his family. And does charity not start at home? First take care of your own, then others??? Just asking.

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Chris758 | 2013/01/30

Purple I suppose you share teh title with your husband? It was always the man who was the head of the family, taking responsibility for the family and he was the breadwinner. I know things changed in this modern world but was the changes really for the better?

Reply to Chris758
Posted by: Purple | 2013/01/30

Seriously, the husband is head of the family? Does that not make you question the relevance of your religion?

Reply to Purple
Posted by: Anon | 2013/01/30

Hey Candy.
I''ve done some research on Freemasons, and a friend of my father''s is also a mason..has been for many years, and all I''m saying, is that if my husband joined the masons, it''d have to be me or them, as simple as that. And I don''t know how religous or Christian you are for that matter, but the Bible states that the husband is head of the family. If something else is taking away his responsibility as a husband and a father, which comes first before ANYTHING else, then he''s lost the plot totally. I''m not in favour of Freemasonry, and wouldn''t want my husband involved with them no matter what. That''s just my 2 cents. In the end you have to follow you''re heart, and do what is best for you and your children. They come first....always.
Good luck with everything, I hope things work out for the better for you.

Reply to Anon

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