Posted by: Di | 2012/08/24

Husband does not want to have sex with me

Ive been married for 10 years and in those 10 years, my husband has not touched me sexually. Before we got married, things were fine. I have tried to initiate contact, but he pushed me away. When I''ve spoken to him about it, he says that it is psychological. He takes photos of other women''s bodies when they are not looking and keeps them on his phone. What can I do to change this situation?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Sad, but at least he's been consistent for 10 years. Why he changed apparently clearly after marriage is curious, and his Peeping Tom activities in photographing other women without their consent, is plainly creepy, and could even be illegal.
YOU can't change this - its him that has a problem ( even if it causes you problems and disappointment ) If he recognizes that he does have a problem in intimate relations and actually wants to solve his problems, and will seek professional help and sincerely work with it, then its probable that things can be improved. Otherwise, there is nopthing that can or will be done, and if he refuses to acknowledge the problem or to seek help for them, then this is how things will stay. You may consider that grounds for deciding to end the relationship and to consult a lawyer, or you may decide to endure this and remain with him.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Curious | 2012/09/26

Sooo Di, are you FAT?? Tell us, you got us involved, you might as well tell us that much?? Always easy to play the ''victim'' card!!

Reply to Curious
Posted by: Di | 2012/08/31

Thank you to all for your responses. I''m not sure what the way forward will be and am thinking about all your suggestions.

Reply to Di
Posted by: interested | 2012/08/30

so, how or what is your way forward..?

Reply to interested
Posted by: pat | 2012/08/29

oh and scream like never make him feel that he is useless.....

Reply to pat
Posted by: pat | 2012/08/29

buy a vibrator and use it in his presence to show him that u r a women with needs.

Reply to pat
Posted by: anxious | 2012/08/29

hi, can this lady possibly reply and let the readers know what has happened so far..?

Reply to anxious
Posted by: Phil | 2012/08/29

Why don''t you get professional help?

Reply to Phil
Posted by: Boss | 2012/08/29

I think the problem is the weight/she''s not attractive anymore. Some people do not have any idea of how frustrating it is to be stuck with someone who''s not attractive to you for the rest of your life. She must make a plan. Be attractive to your man, he''ll stop taking other women''s pics instead look at only you and want to touch you.

Reply to Boss
Posted by: Just_a_woman | 2012/08/29

Booo instead of going to see a specialist you take your dirty underpants to the public view... Bad manners

Reply to Just_a_woman
Posted by: Roy | 2012/08/28


I hope you realise that CatHolics, does not believe in pre-marital SEX

Reply to Roy
Posted by: Roy | 2012/08/28

Tell him the truth about the past.

Reply to Roy
Posted by: Pilot | 2012/08/28

Agree with: " Question"  he cought her in the act with someone else...

Reply to Pilot
Posted by: Jay | 2012/08/28

If you and your husband have not had sex since you got married then the marriage has not been consumated and you are not actually married. This is one of the few grounds on which Catholics are allowed to divorce. If I were you, I would get out and find a man who desires you physically.

Reply to Jay
Posted by: masopha | 2012/08/28

Funny, when women do not want to have sex, husbands must understand and go without any till some form of arrangement is met. Now the husband does not want to give you any, it must now become a public issue where the husband is at fault. AHH the joys of living with women,

Reply to masopha
Posted by: Patience | 2012/08/28

I dont get it, what''s wrong with this man, shame poor woman I think she''s also no right. How can you stay with a man for ten years, ten years with out it, why did they mary on the first place?

Reply to Patience
Posted by: Pimp$tyle | 2012/08/28

I honestly believe that this is a rare case, most ladies do not initiate sex, in the beginning of any relationship they are adventurous and spontaneous but once they sense the committment from their partner, the frequency of sex changes! I am single and have many married friends that experience this shortly after marriage, sex slows down from the Lady''s side. Ladies don''t call all men dogs if you manipulate them into committing to you and then change once you have him. The fact is, if a sex life is healthy, the relationship is healthy! A guy''s dream is for his lady to initiate the sex, go home from work, rip his pants off and be adventurous!
This is a rare case however i still think maybe support him, he either has issues with himself or he is cheating.

Reply to Pimp$tyle
Posted by: facepalm | 2012/08/28

There is more to it than meets the eye. In most cases each side feels like the victim.

Something is missing or amiss. Either way, should be addressed. Each person is different, so maybe a word said in jest is hurtful and the person on the receiving end keeps grudges. So all in all, talk about it.

If you take the approach of " you wrong"  then you better off leaving.

Reply to facepalm
Posted by: Lee | 2012/08/28

Reading these comments, and people wonder why I don''t want to get married.

Reply to Lee
Posted by: Sceptic | 2012/08/28

Interesting comments here  for instance that women have " needs"  that has to be satisfied - really? I would like to meet one. My wife of nearly 25 years and I have not touched each other in 4 or 5 years, the intimacy have just died. There''s nothing wrong (physically) with either of us, I just don''t find her attractive anymore and she was never that into sex ever. If I really want it I can get it, but I can just as well be humping a blow-up doll. I thought about ending the marriage and moving on, but just don''t have the guts to do so.I still love this women dearly but she has other priorities in life like work, kids, family etc. Waited 25 years for me to be the priority but it seems I was waiting in vain. Anyway where would I go? At my age (50 odd) I''m invisible as a man and if I want sex I will have to pay for it. So, I stay in the sexless marriage, at least I have a partner/friend/companion. Maybe I should just accept that my sex days are over. Hello porn, hello palm.

Reply to Sceptic
Posted by: Shocked | 2012/08/28

10 YEARS!!!!! Good grief. Is this for real?? No selfrespecting man or woman would stay in a loveless marraige!!! (or should that be sexless) Then again - u''ve put up with it for 10 years, u mite as well just wither and stay in it. Ever heard about " women doing it for themselves"  ???

Reply to Shocked
Posted by: pat | 2012/08/28

i say dump him ASAP.why wait for 10 years for a man to have sex with u. i am a married women and have been with the same man for 4 years and we are still having sex more than 4 times a week.if he does not initiate i do,and if he tells me he is tired i ask him where am i supposed to get it.Ur husband is either GAY or getting it from someone else.

Reply to pat
Posted by: Sifiso M | 2012/08/28

This man clearly has health problems, it is impossible to stay 10 years without touching your wife.
My G-friend decided to cut sex from our relationship because of her religion and sex b4 mirage even though we were doing it when we started.
I now have to be a live with it because she says she is not ready for mirage as well.

Reply to Sifiso M
Posted by: Shaz | 2012/08/28

@ Leon, what century are you living in? 80% of couples sleep together way before even contemplating getting married!

Reply to Shaz
Posted by: Keegan | 2012/08/28

hi, this is not fair on the both of u guys and should be resolved as soon as possible. ask him if he is getting it elsewhere which is not fair coz 52 can play that game as there are alot of vice versa suituations out there. please let me know how are things going coz i definitely know woman also have needs and u can see it if a woman is not getting enough.

Reply to Keegan
Posted by: Leon | 2012/08/28

You had sex before marriage. You made the mistake. There is nothing new left for him. He seeks a new woman that is a mystery. He knows you before you married so he had the dessert before the main course. You made your bed girl by allowing him access to what should have been hidden.
Woman , wake up. Don''t have sex before marriage , because after the marriage he will not be interested. That is a fact and a male thing. You will not change him.

Reply to Leon
Posted by: Question | 2012/08/28

Sadly there are two sides to the coin... I think you sticking around for his money, and there is a possibility that he cought you in the act with someone else, and is just too turned off by you?

Reply to Question
Posted by: mgm | 2012/08/27

I am a married man for 12 years now. I am also not attracted to my wife sexually. During those years when I liked it, she would come with a lot of excuses (headache, tired, not in mood, you for me this &  that, etc.) for why we can’ t make love. Eventually I got used to not sleeping with her. Even if I try to force myself I loose erection in the process of making-love. But I am attracted to other ladies though. maybe he saw what i saw.

Reply to mgm
Posted by: ethanpugh | 2012/08/27

I''m a married man. I can''t explain this. Give yourself some peace and sanity and dump him.

Reply to ethanpugh
Posted by: Thinktank | 2012/08/27

I think it''s porn that''s making to behave like this. Give him a little threat by telling him that if he doesn''t touch you going forward, you will have no option but to start seeing other men. Tell him that you love him but this is just too much for you.

Reply to Thinktank
Posted by: gus | 2012/08/27

my wife was beautiful on her wedding day, weighed in at 55kg, not long after the honeymoon was over she started putting on weight, i paid for countless tests, gym contracts, doctors consultations, home gyms, many different diet plans and today, after 10 years, she weighs 98kg. i dont want to have sex with her anymore...sure, shoot me down for being shallow, but this is suposed to be my life partner. I still gym, i still want to look good for her.

as a man, do i supress my desires for beautiful women.?..i might as well declaire myself dead then..!!.

what do i do? divorce her?

Reply to gus
Posted by: @Jacques | 2012/08/27

Romans 12:2

Reply to @Jacques
Posted by: A husband | 2012/08/27

From a man''s perspective we do have sex but I MINIMIZE sexual encounters....yes I do look at other women! Yes I am faithful and dearly love my wife but.....I married her for her personality rather than her looks and she cannot control the weight....

so there is a sacrifice to be made....and do not tell me some of you do not have similar situations and are just scared to admit it!
So I am happily married and just have sex much less frequently and Im content with that

Reply to A husband
Posted by: Pimp$tyle | 2012/08/27

Maybe he has body issues, erectile problems, premature ejaculation? He probably takes pics of other ladies and masturbates to these pics but is too embarrassed on insecure to be intimate with you and disappoint, this could not be as negative as it seems however being realistic, no guy stays away from sex with his partner for that long, usually a lady would stay away from sex for a longer time than men do. Unless of course masturbation is easier and less disappointing for him? If he loves u, cares about u and takes great care of u then it could be him being insecure about his performance.

Reply to Pimp$tyle
Posted by: Snezo | 2012/08/27

Ya, some partners are very selfish. I understand that some women gain wait after giving birth, but that cannot be an excuse for one not to try something. Ive tried all i could with my wife but its just not working out. she doesnt want the gym even though we have a gym memebership contract that im paying for everymonth. she is continuously gaining wanit and im progressively getting fitter.


Reply to Snezo
Posted by: MAN | 2012/08/27

Well I am a man married to a wonderful woman. I am not sexually attracted to her anymore, because she gained about 40kg while she was pregnant and never got rid of it since, Now 5 years ago. I am not saying that she must look like she did before she gave birth to our beautiful child. All I want is for her to do something that shows that she still want to be sexy for me because I feel like she does not respect me anymore. I do love her very much but more in a friend like way. I tried every way possible to get her to go to gym, weighless, diet programs but all in a very nice way, not being rude at all. All to no avail, I even tried the direct approach but that one backfired real bad, the one that I avoided for about 4 years. So to come back to your husband, and no sex, first take a look at yourself and if you neglected yourself start to make a plan. Tacking pictures of other women might be his way of asking you to do something, not that I am saying you are overweight or anything like that, just maybe you also have some part in this.

Reply to MAN
Posted by: yogi bear | 2012/08/27

This guy is definately cheating on you with a married woman.

Reply to yogi bear
Posted by: Panda | 2012/08/27

Bottom line is that if he isn''t getting it at home, he is getting it somewhere else.

Pack your bags and move on.

Reply to Panda
Posted by: Fears | 2012/08/27

Im in a marriage with a man I cannot bear to have near me! Nothing to do with cleanliness, gay or otherwise! I despise him coz he sponges off me but acts like lord of the manor! For years Ive pleaded with him to leave but I guess sum men are just too thick skinned! So in the mean time, i use him as my maid!! I have not had an affair simply because I havent met someone I would like to sleep with. On the other hand if a man had to treat me like this (no sex etc) I would kick his-|-to the curb! Maybe it also works for me coz im in my late forties!

Reply to Fears
Posted by: stix | 2012/08/27


Reply to stix
Posted by: no way | 2012/08/27

Had that problem with my hubby. Find out he was watching porn on his pc all the time. Yes believe me no man can go without an orgasm that long.!!!!!
Even after my hubby told me many stories of stress, work, etc it did not get better till I realised he''s watching porn everyday giving himself a treat so why will he want to do it again with me?? All started after my pregnancies even though I made so much effort with my weight and looks etc.

He eventually admitted he have an addiciton to porn and we still have not sort it out. He needs to go see someone and he don''t have the guts. Meanwhile I''m the one feeling like a total looser.

Reply to no way
Posted by: cheating wife | 2012/08/27

Well my wife had an affair 4 years ago even when i questioned her about it....he even talk down to her adn then she came to me to lift her ironical....since April this year she''s gone back to cheating and devious ways and thinks I''m real dumb...I probarly am for sticking it out with her but its for the sake of our kids....and she was divorced and a kid from that guy.....and he cheated on her....i''ve it it all right not cheat or hide...she likes having attention and give no regard to me or my feelings....but if sum1 else says the same thing as me then she raves about them not stop.....

she is very a good person deep down but nothing seems to come my is always initiated by me and she just lies there....she hasn''t touched me in 4 years and we married for 7.5 already.......i''m a fool but i stick it out...but i''m getting gatvol and will leave her soon enough if she doesn''t change.....and her mother believes her daughter is an angel.....even tho she knows about it all and covers up for her...she''s all the time bbm and sending mesasges and locks her phone with passwords to cover up....she says she forces herself if we have sex and she actually does nothing....but lie there......yet i''m faithful to her....only cos of the kids and i know that if she is committed to me and concentrates on the marriage it would be wonderful...but hope has faded and the stage is set...fat lady sing please cos its almost over....2 months or so i give her and if she doesn''t change...then adios....

sorry to hear about ur man not wanting to touch u.... i know what its like......been times wen we have sex once every 3-4 months and then she says we must give it time....cos it happens 1-3 sessions then nothing....and she doesn''t want to listen or go for what am i to do......when will it change.....or am i just fooling can a cheater live with themselves and still face u and the kids......have they no shame or are they just so self consummed......what about the sanctity of marriage or doesn''t mean anything....

clearly it doesn''t bother them or they wouldn''t do it....i just feel sorry for her cos she''s bi-polar also.....she''s killed the love i had for her.....and i would do anything for her....and she knows that....but i aint footing the bill for her to be at home and use for her cheating no love makes u do stupid things like i''ve been just hurts so much and so badly.....i gave my all to her and she pisses it now i''m doing it for our kids.....she knows this and yet doesn''t change....she needs her wake up call..........cos she''s gona lose it all.....and she''s gona off the rails when it happens....i''m just scared for her yes i do care and love her still but how much more must i endure....had things been reversed i would have been booted out a long time y don''t i do the same....

I need help...cos i don''t really want to go that route...but seems i''m gona havta....HELP!!!!!!

Reply to cheating wife
Posted by: OLGA | 2012/08/27

haai this man is a psycho if he has a problem then y take pic of other women haai let him seek therapy > >  then if all else fails consider your options

Reply to OLGA
Posted by: Jaytee | 2012/08/27

Many times the wife changes so much that the husband loses all sexual feelings for her. This normally happens over many years.
Most woman do anything and everything sexually to attract a man but when she has him, she becomes frigid or semi frigid and sex becomes a chore for her.
That is a very big turn off.

Reply to Jaytee
Posted by: OCT | 2012/08/27

I totaly agree with Lee-Aan. Chances are he has another relationship going behind your back. My husband did that for a year and eventually he moved out. It is always best to leave before he walks out on you. It hurts I know but it is in your best interest that you leave now even if there are children.

Good Luck and with love

Reply to OCT
Posted by: Tom | 2012/08/27

In a situation like this, you should look to yourself first. How is your personal hygiene? Could your toilet hygiene/habits be disgusting him?

Reply to Tom
Posted by: gia | 2012/08/27

reply: No man can go without sex that long, so he is surely getting it from some one else, my advice to you is get out because the longer you stay the more he is making a fool of you and you are going to end up being the one with the broken heart.

Reply to gia
Posted by: Lee-Ann | 2012/08/27

10 years!

You are a saint.

You are also being taken for the ride of your life.

Get out, get out now.

I guarantee that the " psychological problem"  he has, is not your problem, but you are definately being made the absolute fool of the town.

My brain goes to a number of explanations, none of them good for you:

* He is actually gay and is conflicted (or not) and is covering up with the photos and or trying to convince himself as another reader suggested.

* He is gay, has some issues from his family around this and requires the relationship with you to cover this up.

* He is gay and is maintaining another relationship or deviant behaviour (medically and emotionally risky secret sexual behaviour) which he is participating in. (Does he hide stuff, his whereabouts, spend hours in private or away from home where he doesn''t want you to know what he is up to?)

* He has another relationship going on behind your back - could be with another man or a woman (seen that several times), which relationship started before your marriage or soon after it''s commencement, but he is comfortable with you and you are convinient and more importantly you have ALLOWED his behaviour! So he stays. His other partner could be married too.

* He has some very serious psychological issues around children, the possibility of having them etc, terrifies him and he can''t risk having them. This could be for any number of reasons ranging from the utterly horrific childhood experience of abuse and trauma right through to the horrible and scary-to-contemplate possibility that he has tendancies toward peadophilia and doesn''t want children because he doesn''t want to be exposed to tempation.

8 Further to that he may have similar problems with sex because of childhood trauma, but these two options (this and the above option) are less likely explanations, as you say he was fine 10 years ago

* He is covering up a very serious physical problem (ie. he has AIDS or another STD and he doesn''t want to tell you) OR he has a serious medical/erectile problem (do you ever see/feel him get physically excited?) that he is ashamed to admit to.

* He has gotten into a ''deviant'' or fetish lifestyle and is no longer interested in " vanilla"  sexual encounteres and gets his rocks off in secret with other parties.

If you really WANT to save this situation, I recommend trying to inform yourself clearly and pragmatically by observing and collecting information about his behaviour (software on the computer, check out his explainations - is he being truthful?) Chances are if he''s hiding behaviour for so long, he''s gotten away with it, and has become slack about cleaning up after himself, you will quickly find out if he''s up to no good.
Additionally arm yourself with skills, get a relationship coach and or read extensively - I recommend " Melt your man''s heart"  from and books like James Dobson''s " Love must be Tough"  , Artenbaum &  Stokers " Every heart restored" , all of which are practical and objective and full of good-to-have skills for relationships, whether or not you solve your problem or walk away.

One of the most important things a woman can do is to

You deserve the best, not just the leftovers, you are precious and gorgeous and wonderful and valuable and worth a great deal and it''s time he started getting the memo.
The LEAST you deserve is the truth!

Reply to Lee-Ann
Posted by: Zee | 2012/08/27

sounds as if he is wanking to the pics in the loo. he is using you to present a ''normal'' facade to the world. i dont think he will ever have sex with you so if that is what you want you should look for a relationship that provides it.

Reply to Zee
Posted by: Barry | 2012/08/27

Well, I really feel for you. I am in an almost identicalposition (but with the role reversed) I have been married for alomst 20 years and for the last 5 to 8 years my wife has resisted any attempt from my side to initiate love-making. This is particularly difficult because there was a time when (anywhere , anyhow) was the norm and it was great, but it''s like someone switched off a light now.

Reply to Barry
Posted by: JJ | 2012/08/27

Uh....what do YOU think?

Actually - 10years - mmmhhhh....1 year (perhaps)....did you add a zero by mistake.....

Reply to JJ
Posted by: John | 2012/08/27

@Cybershrink really is that all you have?

If a man has genuine sexual desires towards woman then there is no way he could keep his hands off of you for 10 years. Taking pictures of other woman seems to be a ruse of sorts. Have you ever considered that your husband may not be interested in woman at all? Perhaps he has some massive psychological issue that prevents him from acting out his desires on you but something is amiss here. Gay men do want sex, as do all men, and initially sex with woman is sufficient but over time it is not the object of their desire so it is easy to just put it off blaming all sorts of other things. Taking pictures of other woman or even looking at straight porn helps them to ‘ prove’  to themselves and others that they are straight but a straight man with a sex drive will jump you no matter your shape and size you are especially if he chose you as his wife. My boyfriend and I personally know this story.

He needs to see a psychologist to get to the bottom of his issues maybe he’ s gay, maybe he’ s asexual, etc but whatever it is you need to decide if you can live with man that has no REAL interest in being with you sexually –  can you be asexual for the rest of your life? You need to make this decision based on the real reason for your husbands disinterest. Sexuality is not learnt, he is what he is and you will not change him.

Reply to John
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/08/25

Sad, but at least he's been consistent for 10 years. Why he changed apparently clearly after marriage is curious, and his Peeping Tom activities in photographing other women without their consent, is plainly creepy, and could even be illegal.
YOU can't change this - its him that has a problem ( even if it causes you problems and disappointment ) If he recognizes that he does have a problem in intimate relations and actually wants to solve his problems, and will seek professional help and sincerely work with it, then its probable that things can be improved. Otherwise, there is nopthing that can or will be done, and if he refuses to acknowledge the problem or to seek help for them, then this is how things will stay. You may consider that grounds for deciding to end the relationship and to consult a lawyer, or you may decide to endure this and remain with him.

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Loli | 2012/08/24

I wonder how exactly is he planning for you to have kids if he is not willing to do the deed. or did you guys decide not to have kids?

Reply to Loli
Posted by: Ex M | 2012/08/24

I believe that a situation can be changed if both parties are willing to work at it. You''ve waited a long time to realise that "  a no sex marriage "  is a problem. If you both agree to stay married, please consider marriage counseling/therapy etc. Usually there are underlying issues which needs to be resolved, and this normally comes out with therapy. Does your husband show you these pics of other women? This is so disrespectful! You should tell him how it makes you feel. Good luck and all the best.

Reply to Ex M
Posted by: Anon | 2012/08/24

How is your relationship in general? Do you guys enjoy each others company? Does he act at all lovingly towards you or do you just fight and avoid one another?

Perhaps explain to him that you have needs, which you have set aside for a very long time and that expecting you to simply live with it while he takes photos of other women is extremely selfish and hurtful.
Find names and numbers of good therapists in your area and ask him to put the effort in to make an appointment, also tell him that you are willing to join him if would be helpful because clinging to the excuse of " it''s psychological" for 10 years without any attempt to find and fix the problem isn''t acceptable.

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Me | 2012/08/24

I agree 100% with Dodi, never heard of such a thing. If my husband doesn''t want to touch me for a week, i question him let alone 10 years. Still have the cheek to take photos of other women, no respect for you, you deserve someone that will love you and adore you. Good luck

Reply to Me
Posted by: Dodi | 2012/08/24

Nothing just move on and separate from him, you cant change him. Any kids involved

Reply to Dodi

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