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Question
Posted by: ? | 2007/03/28

husband died 5yrs ago, struggling

Hi doc,

My husband died in a car wreck 5 yrs ago, at age 27. i was 24 and we had been married 2 weeks shy of a year.

i am currently seeing a wonderful man, but he doesn't want me to talk about it. he feels that it's in the past and i must move on. i totally agree, i must put it behind me...one porblem is that the person who went into his lane and hit my husband, won't say what happened.

Things have been getting easier each year, but this year i am having a really bad time and re living that terrible day when i got a knock on my door. I am crying myself to sleep as i did all those years back.

We had been planning on having kids and buyng a home and deciding where to live and raise our family and all that got taken away from me.

I will be 30 in a few months time and feel as if I have wasted away. all my friends have gotten married and have kids...they have life i was suposed to have.

my boyfriend is a few years younger and he feels that he's too young to start a family.

I so badly want to have a life with him, but am afraid and have had a feeling for a long time that i can't have kids. He is very supportive and understanding about everything except my loss.

I feel so alone and have nobody to talk to. I know I should have gone for help then, but am a strong person and had great family and friends around me. Have thought about anit depressants but really don't like the idea of taking pills. I have however taken st johns wort that has helped calm me.

No matter what i do, the pain is still there and my heart has been ripped out.

what would you suggest i do?

i live in a small town, so i don't think there are suport groups.

Thanks for your time

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Sorry to hear of your continuing grief --- and its sad that you seem to have been trying to cope with all this without the help of a proper expert counsellor, preferably one of the CBT school. There seem to be aspects of the grief which you have not been coping with yet. I understand how you would want certainty about what exactly happened in the accident, but as you have discovered the driver responsible for the accident is unlikely to want to tall you the details you seek --- and indeed may not himself understand or remember so as to even be able to do so.
It sounds, too, as though, in your grief, you too readily resigned yourself to giving up on marriage and kids, and you need to work through these issues in proper counselling. Antidepressants don't generally help grief as such, but counselling very definitely does.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: ? | 2007/03/29

Thank you all for your help, I really appreciate it.

Reply to ?
Posted by: Look | 2007/03/28

I agree with getting councelling - talking really helps. As for your current boyfriend, I feel he is being unfair to not let you talk about your husband. You have every right to remember him and honour his memory. Your partner will have to deal with the fact that you had a loving husband. It is not something you can change or forget. If is really the man you want in your life he will help you through this and not see your late husband as competition but as an important part of your life

Reply to Look
Posted by: jacques | 2007/03/28

I do not usually give out free advice, but just for you I will make an exception.
First you will have to take responsibility for your own feelings, thoughts, fear, circumstances.
You will need to set boundaries for yourself and especially others.First you will need to mourn exhaustively, cry as much as you want,share your feelings exhaustively with someone you feel safe with.Don't let other people interfere or tell you that it is in the past.If you do not face your past and come to terms with it, you are heading for more emotional trouble.
As for anti-depressants, ask your doctor for 10mg Cipralex.For anxiety Rivotril and maybe even Zopiclone for your sleep disturbance.Go and see a Therapist a few times. Medication and therapy will do you well, this will take time, don't keep buying self help books, you can't do this on your own. Get a trained professional.When you have cancer you don't read a book, you drink your medication and go for therapy, Now you have emotional cancer so get med's and therapy



Reply to jacques
Posted by: ? | 2007/03/28

thanks for your help, much appreciated

Reply to ?
Posted by: Tango | 2007/03/28

Your loss was huge. I really think that counselling for bereavement will be the answer. It will help you finally come to terms with your trauma around the loss. Anti depressents are hopeless without counselling.

Find a Psychologist or a Pastoral ccounsellor. Someone thats good at Bereavement Couselling. You own it to yourself and the new relationship you in. Good luck!

Reply to Tango

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