Posted by: NotGoodEnough | 2011/11/04

Husband constantly critical

My husband has always been picky and his obsession with perfection is one of the things I love about him. Anything he does in life, he does fully and with passion. However, I have a lot on my plate. I have the house to take care of so that means cooking and cleaning plus our baby (not even 6 months old yet) PLUS I have a job. I work from home but I worked through my entire pregnancy until 1 week before I had the baby. THEN I went back to work once the baby was 6 weeks!
No matter what I do, he always finds something to pick on and it''s really getting be down. His latest thing is telling me all the things that HE thinks I''m doing wrong with our baby. Mean time, he is constantly at work. he works 2 jobs and by the time he gets home, the baby and I are asleep. Every NORMAL talk becomes a fight and it''s getting so bad that I don''t even want to talk to him anymore. I''d rather sleep! Plus I just feel so lonely and depressed all the time. I feel cut off from the world and totally alone. I don''t know how to get through to him anymore :-(

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Our expert says:
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Marriage counselling ! Sounds like you each have unrealistic expectations of each other.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Maria | 2011/11/05

It sounds to me as if you and your husband might both be suffering from burnout, and he hasn''t come to grips with parenthood. Children and perfectionism do NOT go together well, and raising children is a job best done by both parents in partnerships with each other. Does he have to work 2 jobs? Could you get a job outside of home and employ a nanny or put your baby in creche for part of the day? I really think the two of you have to sit down and talk about your priorities, roles and responsibilities, perceptions, hopes and dreams. You seem to be on completely different pages. Doing this with the help of a professional might be a good idea. You have to make time to be a family together.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Tory | 2011/11/05

You have a home ,several incomes , a husband, a healthy baby, a sex life etc. Perhaps its time to stop moaning and enjoy what you have.

Reply to Tory
Posted by: Obvious | 2011/11/05

Excellent comments fom Working Mum and Jenna, you may need to stop comlaing and pull yourself together. You say your husband critises you but you rant on and on about him??????
You sound as if it s most unpleasant to come home to you.Maybe try o change your attitude to be more like Jenna with the help of couselling as Maria suggests.

Reply to Obvious
Posted by: Jenna | 2011/11/05

Maybe he''s frustrated and tired and he''s taking it out on you- you do have to take into account he gets home late late LATE at night, he doesn''t get to see you either, he doesn''t get to see his child- he basically spends his days working and sleeping. You have to understand that, at least? It is unfair of him to critisize you, but is it at all possible that, because he works so much, he just wants to come home to what he wants? You say he comes home sour- that means that he''s not entirely happy and is taking it out on you.

I do, to a point, have to agree with Working Mum. If he comes home late, why can''t you have dinner ready dished for him? You complain he wakes you up for sex- he''s probably only going to bed at that time and it obviously helps him sleep. He probably is tired. As are you, but as you work from home it does offer some flexibility. In my household, I dish up for my husband. I cook. I clean. I wake up before my husband. We leave together. We come home together. I feed the animals. Etc. But because his job is WAY more physically demanding than mine, I do the ''girly'' things.

Seeing that there are three incomes, would it not be possible for you to hire a domestic to come in once or twice a week just to help with the cleaning? Can you not send baby to creche?

Reply to Jenna
Posted by: Maria | 2011/11/05

Marriage counselling

Reply to Maria
Posted by: NotGoodEnough | 2011/11/05

Yep, Matilda, I am for real. My work from home is only part time but it''s one that requires a creative mind and skills as well as research ability. So, it does take a lot out of me but I enjoy it and the extra cash is handy needless to say.
To Working Mum, my standards are the same. I still have dinner ready for him. The house still gets taken care of the same. He complains about things like " Why can''t you dish up food FOR me when I get home."  GEE, I don''t know, maybe because I''m feeding or changing or bathing our baby??? He complains that we can''t go out because I want to be home by a certain time because of THE BABY. DAH! She has a routine, she has her bath time between 7 and 7:30pm and then I feed her and then she is down FOR THE WHOLE NIGHT! She is only 5 months old and has been sleeping for 10 hours straight since she was 2 months! She had colic for the first 2 months REALLY bad and I was a zombie. I could hardly eat, I was tired, my body was a wreck, I had milk fever (I can''t breast feed but that I didn''t know at the I had to take pills to stop it). If our baby cried in the night because of her colic, my husband would shout at ME and tell me " MAKE HER STOP CRYING" . Like as if it was MY fault! Yes, he works 2 jobs but not all the time. He has his regular job and he does cash jobs on the side.
OK, now let''s take it to the next level.....I wake up at the same time as him. I make his coffee, breakfast and pack his lunch. I feed our baby as she wakes up at the same time. By day is in full swing and it''s non stop until I put her down at 8pm. Then I can finally have a shower and chill. Unless I didn''t finish my work for that day...then I need to work until whatever time. By the time he gets home at about 10pm, I am sleeping. He then thinks it''s NICE to wake me up for some late night fun...if you know what I mean. But I''m half asleep and he expects ME to do all the " work" ! He falls asleep immediately after and I toss and turn for about 2 hours. Sometimes he tries to go for round 2! Round 1 at about 1am....then round 2 just as I''ve managed to fall asleep again at 3am!!!!! Then on Sundays, he complains that he is SO tired....and he wants to sleep all day! He works Saturdays I hardly even see him.
Every time something happens and the baby is fussy he tells me that this one tells him this and his sister tells him that and I should do what THEY did and blah blah blah! But he doesn''t even spend 30min with his the hell would HE know??? I can tell by the tone of her cries exactly what she wants. I can tell when something is seriously wrong and when she is just tired. The other day he picked on me about food and what food he wants me to make....BUT HE EATS AT WORK EVEN DINNER so what...must I cook for an army and toss it????? I''m at a loss....nothing makes him happy. He comes home sour....sometimes I wish he would just sleep at work so that he doesn''t have to look at me. Maybe THAT way he will be happy at least because he certainly isn''t happy when he is with me. And remember, it''s ALL MY FAULT according to him.

Reply to NotGoodEnough
Posted by: Matilda | 2011/11/05

Working Mum are you for real?

Reply to Matilda
Posted by: Working Mum | 2011/11/04

l think you may have let your standards drop since giving birth and may need to try harder. Your husband has 2 jobs as do you - your domesticchild/home job and your home business.As you work from home you should be able to correct your short comings easily. Your husband manages 2 b perfect and he has 2 travel which u do not. Do not see your faults as pointed out by hubby as critisicm but as opportunities to strive 2 b better.
Remember u r not really cut off from the world as u have the internet.

Reply to Working Mum

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