Posted by: Red | 2007/02/26

Husband and young girls

We have been married for 13 yrs with 2 kids. Had our ups and downs like I suppose many marriages and also went for councelling after he had an "emotional affair" (sms messages I found, their "friendship lasted for a year before I found out. So understandably I went thru insecure patches but our relationship I believe is back on track. We spend time with friends who have a 13 old daughter and she is EXTREMELY shy but seems to be infatuated with my hubby. So she would sit with him and talk and tease etc etc and when I walk into the room they would go quiet. Also when the adults are inside he would go out and chat and play with her. Is this one stage I thought it was ok cause she obviously trusts him and comes out of her shell when he is around but he seems to really be enjoying the attention and it feels innappropriate BUT I must mention that nobody else in our group of friends (and there are about 8 of us) seem fazed. So honestly, am I being ridiculous? Do girls that age go through this? Do men that age (40) go thru this? I feel silly raising it but like I said i just have this nagging feeling.........

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Our expert says:
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It's not specifically abnormal. If a shy girl finds him an adult she feels safe with, and he enjoys the attention --- and he is not exploiting or harming her in any way, that'd be a mutually beneficial relationship. And with so many adults around, it's unlikely anything untowards is happening. Yes, men of 40 need to feel needed and special ( like the rest of us ) ; and girls often find older men interesting. Heck, girls that age often get nuts about horses, but that doesn't mean they ride them.
The hush in their conversation when you draw near could be sinister ; or it could be that she gets shy again and he fears sounding ridiculous. Discuss this with him, frankly, and express your unease. He should be able to enjoy her company, and to encourage her to come out of her shell --- in front of her parents and other adults. And discuss this, too, with the girl's parents, and see what they think about it. They presumably know her better than you do, and she may have talked to them about this.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Red | 2007/02/28


Reply to Red
Posted by: Buzz | 2007/02/28

I don't doubt that 13-year old girls can flirt and do many other things Agatha - the onus remains on the adult NOT to get involved with a child, it's immoral and criminal.

Reply to Buzz
Posted by: Agatha | 2007/02/27

Not all 13 year old girls are innocent - a colleague at a previous firm I worked for had years of heartache because her husband could not leave young girls alone - she went as far as making pinpricks in the condoms he hid in his briefcase! His one "conquest" was two years younger than his son!!! I am not saying that this young girl is guilty of anything, but I don't think that Red should just shrug this off!

Reply to Agatha
Posted by: Buzz | 2007/02/27

Red, it may then be a different Red posting on Mantalk, I think it was about not wearing panties.

Reply to Buzz
Posted by: Red | 2007/02/27

Buzz, I have only posted on this forum....which other forum are you referring to?

Reply to Red
Posted by: Buzz | 2007/02/27

G, my response clearly didn't upset Red, she's happily posting on other forums. If you meant Mom, I stand by what I said: if anything happens between this man and this child - only the man is to blame in my opinion.

Reply to Buzz
Posted by: g | 2007/02/27

Easy Buzz! I realise that you are perhaps letting personal experiences colour your response, but I don't think Red deserves a response like that.

(I am sorry if I offend you, it is HONESTLY not my intention, it's just that when somone is vulnerable, a response like that can have a negative effect .... I know that you are normally very well measured ... )

Reply to g
Posted by: Buzz | 2007/02/27

Mom, you make this 13 year old girl sound like the perpetrator and the poor adult husband like the victim ... "her infatuation with your husband could lead to..." and "she should concentrate on her studies and friends her own age".

Regardless of this child's behaviour, this man is the adult and should not encourage this type of relationship. The onus is on him - the adult. And if he can't help himself, then Red has an obligation to take this matter up with the 13 year old's mother. I suppose if a girl like her gets raped, you'd blame her and not the rapist too!!!

Reply to Buzz
Posted by: Mom | 2007/02/27

Nip this in the bud - a 13 year old girl and a 40 year old man enjoying each other's company and him seeking her company - there are red lights going on here and warning bells ringing - her infatuation with your husband could lead to other things. Follow your instincts - don't ignore these feelings you have about this - it is totally unacceptable for him to be spending time with her alone and especially keeping quiet when you enter the room. What are they discussing that they cannot discuss in your presence? At her age she should be concentrating on her studies and KIDS HER OWN AGE.

Reply to Mom
Posted by: Shae | 2007/02/26

Second that Buzz.

I suggest you pay veeerrrrrrry close sttantion next time you're visiting your friends. Perhaps make a comment that those two really take to each other and see what responses you get all around.

Reply to Shae
Posted by: Buzz | 2007/02/26

I don't think it's normal, especially if they suddenly keep quiet when you join them. Why would a 40 year old man leave adult company to seek the company of a 13 year old girl? I'd be worried, firstly for this innocent child (whether she's flirting is besides the point - your husband is an adult and should not react to it), and secondly, what does it make your husband?

Reply to Buzz

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