advertisement
Question
Posted by: I dont know what to do | 2007/05/09

husband and internet

My husband had a short fling last year, which we resolved and moved on with.
I have been checking up on he's email, (he doesnt know) and seen he has subscribed to a bunch of dating sites and obviously has communication with various people.
Should I confront him, approach via email, or is it a sign that I should leave.
We married for 6 years with 2 kids, so the implications of divorce is not a light matter.
Please let me know your thoughts

Not what you were looking for? Try searching again, or ask your own question
Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Isn'tthis more a sign that marriage counselling is indicated ?

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

21
Our users say:
Posted by: Annie | 2007/05/10

Exactly. Remember, every situation in life is a direct result of someone's CHOICE or DECISION. Everything we do or say or ACT upon will stear the situation toward a certain outcome.

If we just say, do and act upon other people's decisions and choices impulsively, where are we going to end up? At a point where the SITUATION has pushed us. We didn't have any control over it then. BUT if we decide WHAT outcome we want BEFORE we act, do or say anything, we at least have SOME control, because we then would KNOW how to react.

The greatest freedom we will ever posess is the freedom that we can CHOOSE how we are going to react. NO one can decide it for you! NO one can ever take it away from you.

I hope that your husband will come to his senses and see how blessed he is with something so special as a bond of marriage and beautiful children. And that he will see that HE together with YOU can DECIDE what outcome their is going to be for your marriage! And that it shouldn't depend on where you live, what you earn or what desires you have. That it ONLY depends on what both of you WANT it to be. Then working very HARD to reach that dream - that goal. I hope his whole life will change to a view of: "How did I make my wife feel today?" and you "How did I make my husband feel today?"

May everything work out for you exactly the way you wish.

Good luck!!

Reply to Annie
Posted by: I dont know what to do | 2007/05/10

Thanks for the all the advice, I think Annie's is what I shoyuld take to heart, going the route of trapping him is not going to work. I m going to face him straight about it and because I love ask if we can work it out. If he cant stop then I think I will have to consider leaving. Im too good looking and nice to be with someone who doenst want me and appreciate me fully

Reply to I dont know what to do
Posted by: been there | 2007/05/09

I've been through exactly the same thing. 1st discovering the affair and trying desperately to get past it and doing the whole counselling trip. A few months down the line discovering the internet porn and dating sites which when I confront are totally blamed on my "lack of desire". How does one develop "desire" for someone who has hurt and abused ones trust on several occassions. I have been trying to make a decision for the last 2 years whether to stay or go and I really am finding it hard to believe a single word he says or trust any statement after all the hurt. I am to blame for some of the lack of intimacy and have spoken openly with him. He is a standard male who is unable to communicate openly but has no trouble with internet conversations or porn fantasies? I also have two kids who absolutely adore Dad and it will break their hearts if I decide to leave. Does one stay for the sake of the kids security or find ones feet outside of the confine of an unhappy marriage. Difficult decisions and I can empathise where you're at.

Reply to been there
Posted by: Annie | 2007/05/09

Now that you know, what do you want the outcome to be?

Work toward what you WANT for your marriage. Let that guide you on the decision.

For instance, do you WANT to forgive him again and get him to work on your relationship? Then what will the use be to lead him into traps and stuff? Just sit down with him calmly and ask him to go to a counsellor with you. Tell him that you know about his internet filandery and how it makes you feel. Tell him how HE made you feel.

If he denies it - just tell him softy that you are not ASKING him wether he is guilty or not. You are asking him to build a wonderful super happy marriage with you. A once in a lifetime unique bond. Does he want to stand out by doing what VERY people these days are capable of doing - in keeping life partners and having a blessed beautiful marriage, or does he want to be part of the usual nothing special every day couples cheating on one another, divorcing again?Does he WANT to have this unique relationship and marriage or not.

It is a simple, VERY easy CHOICE! Ask him to choose. Then ask him to give it his ALL. Then go and work out a plan by drawing up lists of HOW THIS WOULD MAKE ME FEEL. Take this and use it as your marriage RULES. Go see a counsellor and WORK TOGETHER toward your gaol of becoming SA's super happy couple!!

On the other hand, if he doesn't, what can you do about it. Can you FORCE him to be committed? Sorry, but NO one can. Only he can decide. If he says he wants to but doesn't mean it, he DOESN"T want to. What can you do then? Either LIVE with it or LEAVE him and be happy with a wonderful guy that really wants to make you happy with his whole heart!

Now YOU decide what you want to achieve.

Reply to Annie
Posted by: tino | 2007/05/09

dude, cheating is bad and I will never ever approve it, but you find that some of the things that happend in our marraige they are somtimes beyond our control...and is even worse when you still love HIM/HER.Despite my comments does`nt mean I dont feel sorry for her......

Reply to tino
Posted by: anonnnn | 2007/05/09

ok tino..

but i still dont agree..

HE must live with the consequences of HIS actions..ie HIS cheating and leaving her to feel insecure and doubting, resulting in her checking up. and he is still being untruthful..why shift the blamne now? was she supposed to sit back so he can now have some fantasy on the net whether she knows or not? it's just not on man. not on.

it's not fair that a partner cheats, and the other one finds out 'by accident' and therefor not allowed to bring it up.

IT DOESNT MATTER HOW YOU KNOW IT, WHEN YOUR PARTNER IS FOR REAL CHEATING/UP WITH UNTRUTHFUL HANKY PANKY EVEN JUST ON THE NET, HE SHOULD FACE WHAT'S COMING. otherwise it seems like cheating is ok as long as no one finds out about it!? no man. respect? dignity?

Reply to anonnnn
Posted by: tino | 2007/05/09

JP, I know when you are married its very difficult to ignore if you feel that something is not right, but again my friend I tell you if you fo and sniff around...its gonna mess you up coz you dont know where to start if you want to ask HER/HIM.I`ve been there I know what Im talking about.

Reply to tino
Posted by: JP | 2007/05/09

In Tino's defence. I 'sniffed' around in my wifes stuff when we were only dating a few months. I found what seemed to be like love letters. Because I was off-line to go through her private stuff, i never said anything. And here we are 6 years later, engaged and planning to get maried. That 'other guy' never played any role in our relationship, he is gone. (but still in my memory he exist) But "i-do-not-know-what-to-do" as you have kids and a history and all, so it is a diffirent ball game all toghether... Why does things like this ever have to happen!!!!

Reply to JP
Posted by: tino | 2007/05/09

Mich, what I know is : hubby is gonna be worse chatting on internet.

for your info Anonnnn,im not her hubby, but she must lern to leave with the consiquencys of her actions.

Reply to tino
Posted by: RMC | 2007/05/09

Or one of his bokkies

Reply to RMC
Posted by: SPEECHLESS | 2007/05/09

TINO YOU ARE AN IDIOT

CUT YOUR LOSSES LADY AND MOVE ON - HE IS NOT COMMITTED TO YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN. I BELONGED TO A DATING SITE AND I KNOW HOW MANY MARRIED MEN THERE ARE ON THE SITE WAITING FOR SOME LONELY LADY TO FALL PREY TO HIS CHARMS. IF YOU WOULD LIKE ME TO POSE AS BAIT LET ME KNOW BY RETURN AND I WILL SHARE MY PRIVATE MAIL ADDRESS AND HELP YOU CATCH HIM. ALSO WITH AIDS OUT THERE DON' T TAKE A CHANCE

Reply to SPEECHLESS
Posted by: anonnnn | 2007/05/09

tino, are you for real?!? seriously, and people complain about cs?!

are you perhaps her husband?lol

Reply to anonnnn
Posted by: Michaela | 2007/05/09

in light of everything she has discovered u think she should have trusrted him - is jy mal?

Reply to Michaela
Posted by: Tino | 2007/05/09

You should have trusted him after that incident coz you two have sorted everything out,so there you are invadinig his privacy......if you cant leave with what your hubby is, then call it a quit!!!!!

Reply to Tino
Posted by: I dont know what to do | 2007/05/09

Thanks for the advice, especially those who said they would help, I think we gotta set him up and see what he does.

Reply to I dont know what to do
Posted by: JP | 2007/05/09

Heheheheeee. Se net as jy hulp nodig het, hier is klomp mense wat sal help!!

Reply to JP
Posted by: Michaela | 2007/05/09

Brilliant idea. Register on the site with a dif pic and contact him, set the scum bag u[p

Reply to Michaela
Posted by: RMC | 2007/05/09

yes, I was thinking that - you email him and lead him on and invite him to meet for a session - let him pitch up where ever and discover it is you!

Reply to RMC
Posted by: JP | 2007/05/09

If I were you I would e-mail his as one of the people from the dating site, that way you can find out what his intentions is...
Then confront him. Should be interesting to hear if he admit to it. But then you have the e-mails as "proof of his intentions"

Reply to JP
Posted by: Michaela | 2007/05/09

He is a liar and a cheat. You will never be happy in this relationship constantly worrying about his faithfulness.

Reply to Michaela
Posted by: Chris | 2007/05/09

You are in trouble, he is still seeking that interest from others.

Good luck, he seems to be a player

Reply to Chris

Have your say

Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
advertisement