Husband & His Family

Question

Posted by: bangles | 2012/09/17

Husband & His Family

my husband will bend over backwards for his family, even though he has been abused by them and even treated like a servant. He lived with an uncle for years, who stopped him from completing his studies & he was the male servant in the house. His uncle brought him here from another country to work for him, under the pretext of a better life and a chance to go to high school & university.

This uncle did not even approve of our marriage, because it meant hubby would have to live with me & would no longer be there to serve him.

His uncle has never supported us in any way. Last year our son died and I told hubby to tell his uncle because that was the onlt family he has here. Now we are forever indebted to this man.

He throw parties & hubby gets invited. but not to enjoy the celebrations, but to help the maid and serve people and clean up. Hubby makes time for this, but never has time to spend with me.
He says he is socializing with people & i must learnt o do it too. I don''t call cleaning up after people, taking their dirty plates to the kitchen, serving them drinks, etc. socializing. I call it being a servant.

This weekend uncle broke two fingers. hubby had to go there yesterday to put ointment on his fingers & out the plaster on. Such drama. I had major surgery two years ago & took care of myself, alone at home. I have had a back problem the past few weeks and even when my back was caught, hubby said he has no time to rub my back.

CS, how do I understand this man''s behaviour. People treat him like dirt, but he will fall all over them, trying to help them. He will call them to find out how they are doing and will go to help with the silliest of things. Its so silly. And he never even has time to go out to coffee with me and uses the kids as an excuse.

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Our expert says:

CyberShrink

If you look back across previous posting in this forum this year, you'll find this is a surprisingly common type of complaint.
What you describe the uncle as doing is simply abusive and exploitative. But it sounds as though, most unfortunately, your husband has been trained by this awful older man, to be subservient and obedient to him, an d doesn't recognize how peculiar and unfaur this is. Maybe he feels he has to grovel like this or people won't like him or pay attention to him without realizing that it isn't necessary and doesnt work, and that they'd respect him more if he learned to respect himself.
If he won't let himself recognize that this is a major problem, it cant and wont be changed. If he can recognize it as a problem, and wants to change, then a good psychologist, especially using the CBT counselling method, could indeed help him to change : to respect himself and you, to be more assertive and independent.

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