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Question
Posted by: Funkyheart | 2007/08/10

Husband?

I am so hurt by my hubbys actions. We have a 4 month boy and a 3 year old girl. I work a full day and still trying to study. My hubby helps clean the house and does the washing. I just need to maintain and do the ironing. But somedays are just a trainwreck. Getting the kids bathed fed and into bed is an absolute nightmare. Then i have to get myself bathed fed and by then its 9pm i am so tired, i have no energy to study. My hubby is on my back to help out more around the house, to be a wife to him. I am just too tired to be me to me. He starts work at 3pm most days so he has the time and energy to do what needs to be done then when he gets home at 12 he goes straight to bed. I am the one getting up for the baby. I am the one awake at 5am to sort out baby and start the day. My hubby does not speak to me for days if i do something he is not happy about. so on wednesday night i said that i would really try to do more just so that he can speak to me, guess what he said? he said he entertains people all day and does not want to entertain me when he gets home. Am i being too demanding that if i am willing to make the effort why cant he, i get more conversation out my 3 year old than him in a 2 week period. I cant sit down and chat to my hubby about the news or something or nothing. I am desperately hurt that he demands but wont even comprisme. I am thinking of leaving him. What is the point of being married to someone that wont even speak to you. i truely understand why woman go out and have affairs, i am in my right mind to go out and get some conversation

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Its hard to say whether you are too demanding, withou being clear about what you demand, and under what circumstances, but you don't sound unreasonable at all. Why not persuade him to join you in proper marriage counselling, to see how far you can both sort this out, for the sake of both of you, as well as the children.
And affair NEVER ever solves anything and only makes any bad situation worse --- an d they're exhausting, too --- you don't have the time or energy for that !

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: hope | 2007/08/12

I can completely understands the demands that you are up against. If he is willing to do housework, do you think you could do some chores together, help each other directly and be able to communicate while doing so? I know firsthand, that school takes alot of time away from the family, and it is a difficult adjustment, requiring sacrifice. You might consider help, as advised above. And don't forget to make date nights with your husband. Get a sitter one night and spend time together remembering what brought you together in the first place, rather than let stress drive you apart. I learned as a mother in college, with two small children, that sometimes, some things can wait. What good is a perfectly clean house if it takes away everything else?? I know that when my children were smaller, no matter how much I cleaned, there was always more to do. Cleaning a house while your children are small is like shoveling the drive when it is still snowing. There is no end. If you can't afford a house keeper, maybe you can ask a friend or family to come over and help you with the housework or children, so you can study, and then have time with your husband. It is hard to keep good communications when you are on differnet shifts with your husband, but it is very important. I wouldn't suggest an affair, because that would only cause more stress. Counseling might be good, or even finding someone to talk to who is over the age of 3. Just remember that he is working and you are studying to benefit your family, and things won't always be as they are right now. They will get better. I believe there is hope for you.

Reply to hope
Posted by: Ann | 2007/08/10

Becarful dear, he might be feeling the same way as you do.

Reply to Ann
Posted by: joey | 2007/08/10

Shame, it really seems like you are both juggling jobs, kids, housework and studying and it must be tough on a family keeping such hours and having such stress. Its nice that you have the arrangement that the housework is shared - at least thats something but it must add to the stress for both of you. Is there anyway that you could afford for someone to help with the housework - that would at least take some burden off both of you then when at home you can concentrate on the kids, each other and your studies. Its no wonder that there's stress in the home with all this (I mean a 4 month old baby and a toddler are stress enough without everything else which you have to contend with) but I'm sure that you're working towards a better future, hence the studies. Even the strongest of marriages would find the balancing of such a life difficult so dont be surprised that you're going through some difficulties, but leaving your husband would probably bring more difficulties and an affair even more than that - is'nt it worth trying to rectify the situation and please look forward to how things will be in the future - kids only grow up and one day your studies will be finished. In my opinion, you've both put yourselves into this stressed out situation because of circumstances and you would be wise to try and get rid of some of the stresses so that you can spend time on the important things like each other and your children.

Reply to joey
Posted by: Anon | 2007/08/10

It also sounds as if your husband is also not getting much sleep what with him getting to sleep after 12 each nigh and having to do the house work and washing during the day before going to work. Maybe both of you need counseling give up your studies for a year until your child is a bit older. I know many people that have done this. I think you need to look at your timekeeping and adjust here and there. Why not eat together then thats finished then bath the children and them to bed.

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Sunflower | 2007/08/10

Have u tried talking to him about councelling? Affairs will not solve the problem, you'll be left with nothing more than guilt and you'll end up hurting yourself, your husband and most of all your kids. Nothing justifies an affair, rather make a clean break and start over.

Reply to Sunflower

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