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Question
Posted by: J's | 2006/11/10

Husband

Hi all

My husband and I have been together for 10 years. (Married for 3)
We have always had a rocky relationship that just got worse once we married. He has a problem with alcohol. He may not drink every day, but when he does, his whole personality changes and ge gets aggresive and says hurtful things. He also wrote off his new car under the influence this year, and goes gambling until the early hours of the morning. I have just had enough of this. None of our friends (and even my family ) want to visit us anymore, because of his behaviour when he is drunk. 3 weeks ago I thought "enough is enough" and I packed my bags and left him. After 3 days I went home to fetch more clothes and found him in bed with another woman! I am very hurt and do not know whether I EVER can forgive this! People say you should work on your marriage no matter what , but I just cannot see myself getting over this! I am currently speaking to a lawyer regarding divorce but just cannot stop thinking that 10 years of my life has been wasted on this relationship. How can I possibly move on???

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

He is an alcoholic and probl;em drinker, and also seems to have a significant gambling problem. And on top of allt hat for him to have been unfaithful so soon, says nothing whatever good about him. Do speak to a good lawyer. From the sound of it, you tried hard, and it is HIM who has wasted much of these 10 years. Then see a good counsellor to help you move on.
Don't let the sense of waste persuade you to hang on with a drunken bum who can't be bothered to try hard enough. Marriage can be like financial investment. Guys who are clever with money ( as I am not !) tell me that the big problem which leads people to lose loads of money in investments ISN'T that stocks and shares go up and down in value; it's that people far too often, when it becomes clear that one of their shares was a bad buy, and is going down in value for good reasons, and isn't likely to increase in value again, are so reluctant to sell it after having made some losses, because they don't want to admit that they made a bad judgement --- so they hang onto it and lose all of their money instead of some of their money. Its important to quit when one is slightly behind, before one is totally behind, so that one stil has enough emotional capital to invest again, more carefully and as a wiser person.

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Our users say:
Posted by: info | 2006/11/11

You have my empathy, a year and a half ago I was in a very similar situation, today I am happy that I did find the courage to quit and divorce from my husband. Alchol destroyed our marriage. You might feel lonely and confused now, but I can assure you it does get so much better. There is no need to waste your life in an abusive marriage or relationship. Being the abuse verbal, emotional or physical. You will meet somebody that can value and appreciate you, it takes time for old wounds to heal, but be BRAVE and save yourself, yourself repect and dignity.

Good luck.

Reply to info
Posted by: Britty | 2006/11/10

Yes, I also think that one should work at one's marriage but I really think you have suffered and tolerated enough.
Don't let this idiot waste another ten years of your life, get out and start again. He didn't waste any time did he when you found him with another woman 3 days after leaving him. So you do the same and move on as he has done.
Time spent in any relationship is never wasted even though it doesn't work out - its a learning curve which can prepare you for all those other guys you are gong to meet in the future. Take it slowly and carefully and you will find someone who will make you happy which I think you really deserve.

Reply to Britty
Posted by: slice | 2006/11/10

Obviously you are taking the decision out of anger but do you really want to do it. Be honest to yourself,dont do something that you will regret. I would suggest that you go for counselling with him and find out the reason he is behaving this way and MAYBE try to work on it. What did he say to you when you found him.It not just ten years its the love you nurtured for the last ten years.I am in the same situation and I know that PRAYER also makes me feel a lot more better.

Reply to slice
Posted by: Nia | 2006/11/10

You already wasted 10 years of your life on this bastard. He does not deserve you. Don't waste another day of your life on him.

Reply to Nia
Posted by: T | 2006/11/10

Hrsh to hear but dont cry over spilt milk.I know 10 yrs is a long time and maybe u right u wasted them but at least now u know that u have had enough then u werent sure...its never too late to start ur life again....notyhing can beat being ahppy which u deserve...Speak to ur lawyer make sure u get what u want esp since he was soo quick to jump into another girl...

Reply to T
Posted by: Sg | 2006/11/10

Just do it ! Leave this deadbeat and move on.There are many good men out there,just look and you will find.In the meanwhile get out and socialise with friends and family.
It will initially be tough but do you really need this type of man in your life ? I don't think so.

Good luck

Reply to Sg

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