Posted by: help | 2008/07/30

Hurting for my first love

Hi there, i' m a 22 year old girl who broke up with my boyfriend(25) of 6 years at the begining of this year. We split up as he was going through a funny stage in his life and i could not handle anymore of it, basically he quit his job and just sat at home drinking and smoking his life away, then when i broke up with him he sorted himself out. he keeps fighting to get me back, the last two weeks have been quite though. My friend saw him yesterday and told me he' s extremely bitter and he doesnt know what to do with his life and that i wasted so much of his life when he could' ve been having a party. this has hurt me extremely. I want him to get over me. I still love him very much and he keeps ruining any chance of a relationship i have, coz i keep thinking bout him, he' s on my mind constantly and my heart is breaking to see him hurting.
Should i feel guilty for taking control of my life but hurting him in the process? should i still be with him? maybe he' s suppose to be the one i marry? how do i know? what should i do to make him hurt less? Am i ready to move on or am i just kidding myself?
i dont know what to do, i feel like running away from it all....i' m cold to others, this whole thing was to find myself but i dont think i' m liking who i am...

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Sad that he's bitter about YOU having |wasted" some of his life, and doesn't see the time he chose to spend drinking and doing nothing, as wasted --- or that he feels that not having had a party for those yers, was a waste. Sounds awfully immature. Of course you shouldn't feel guilty --- HE took the main decisions that wasted a part of his life, and spending too long growling abou that will only waste more of it. I see no reason to suppose that he was somehow ordained to be the one you married, and several good reasons to think otherwise. He should see a shrink in his own right, to sort out the messes he has made and prepare himself to move on ; you should maybe see a shrink or counsellor to deal with your own concerns, and also to move on, and in a different direction to his.

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Our users say:
Posted by: anon | 2008/07/30

Ithink you made a sensible move and dont have to feel guilty about anything. He needs to take responsibility of his own life, and should not be blaming you for time wasted. What has your relationship have to do with him loosing his job and him turning to drink...nothing!! he is the one that chose his life to go taht way and paid the consequences of loosing someone special.
Dont feel guilty and move on with your life....becuase he has just realised what he has lost.

Reply to anon
Posted by: sunflower | 2008/07/30

actually what you did helped him to start getting himself together. You did not do anything wrong, you just looked out for yourself. he' s a grown man and needs to look out for himself too. its not fait to say you wasted his time, there were good times and it was his choice. its not easy to hurt people we love but sometimes we have to do that in order to help them. just look after yourself please, and don' t punish youself for doing that. if you two are meant to be then maybe one day you will get back together in the meantime give yourself time to heal because he was part of your internal space for such a long time, that' s why you are still hurting. its not wrong its human.

Reply to sunflower
Posted by: **** | 2008/07/30

Altough you spent 6 years together and the fact that you will alwyas probably care about it to some degree, its not your job to get him over you. Unfortunately YOU should be your first priority and you must remember that you left him for a reason.

When two people break up, there is always one person who the break up affects more. As harsh as it may sound, he has to deal with it and make a positive attempt go try and get over you. Unfortunately you can' t do it for him!

O and don' t ever confuse feelings of feeling sorry for him with feelings that you need to take him back cause he can' t cope!

Good luck.

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