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Posted by: Mandy | 2004/09/20

Hurting and so confused

Earlier this year I found out that my boyfriend of 3yrs has been cheating on me for the past year. Was devasted bc I really trusted him and had never doubted him for a minute. He apologized and I forgave him. I was really hurting, lost a lot of weight and was going for counseling. I was aware that she’s still in contact with him since they were friends before they became sleeping buddies and to me he made it look like she’s the one e-mailing him all the time about general stuff, her new job etc.

Last week I borrowed his laptop. Out of curiosity, I went to his files and yes I found what I had anticipated, he had written a letter for her 3 weeks after I found out about the affair and after he had apologized to me. It wasn’t anything romantic basically he was recommending her for employment with this other company. I don’t know if im being unreasonable here, I felt betrayed. While I was battling to get over his affair with her, he was busy writing letters for her and God knows what else they were doing…..probably still sleeping together. And the fact that he never mentioned anything about it! Now he turned this whole thing against me, why do I go snooping in his things? How does this concern me? And that he can’t trust me and he’s not talking to me, he has totally shut me out for the last 4 days. He won’t return my calls, nothing!

I never use to be like this……I hate the person I have become. Always wondering what he’s up to and all that. He’s phone never leaves his sight, when he goes jogging, bathing, swimming etc, he switches it off. I never used to worry about it before, but I just had that question mark WHY? And I asked him the other day and he said he doesn’t want me to see things that will hurt me. He has close female friends and the sms’s they send him I might misinterpret them because they are very close and sometimes confide in him. It’s something I just will not understand.

Doc, what do I do………my life is falling about because of one thing TRUST! And his nerve……..for not talking to me. Where is justice in all of this?

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Our expert says:
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Hello Mandy,
This really doesn't compute. If he has been cheating on you, and for as long as a year, and if he is truly regretful and repentent, then surely ho would see that it is his task both to end all contact with the woman he had the affair with ( whether or not they had previously been friends ) and to prevent his woman acquaintances from sending him any daft messages that might seem more affectionate than they really were ( why DO so many people waste money and stir up problems for others by sending daft flirty emails and SMSs ? ). There is no excuse, if he is being honest and faithful, for him to hide his phone and otherwise keep any of it from you --- he should, if anything, be wanting to let you see that he has nothing to hide.
As kasandra and others say, he is not being at all respectful of your feelings in this. As Orie says, he's making a fuss about your reading messages in his laptop as a smokescreen, and to avoid facing up to his own, much larger, responsibilities.
It worries me that you are giving away far too much power to this guy, as when you say that your life revolves arounf him --- it shouldn't. In a wholesome relationship you don't need to cede so much power to the other person, or to feel so incomplete and lost without them. If, as I guess you have, you've signalled this to him, he knows he can get away with pretty-well anything and you'll still hang around --- that's not a good idea. At least discuss it with your own personal counsellor. If you believe he is genuine here ( and that's a bit like believing in the Easter Bunny ), then get him to join you in relationship counselling, and see how he handles that.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: sweetcakes | 2004/09/20

hi mandy!
i honestly think this guy is not worth it...
i went out with a guy a couple of months ago and i found a g-string on his floor...his excuse was: it's an ex girlfriends (it was in his cupboard), i thought maybe it was his sisters cos he had two older sister's (he could of used that excuse,it would of been more believable)...he cheated on me and i ignored it, he would go out to clubs without me and sleep by his friends houses when there were women/girls there! my friends said he was "using" me cos i was the perfect girlfriend, i would do things for him, i wouldn't go out without him and they said that he didn't deserve me! and that is what i'm saying to you! HE DOESN'T DESERVE YOU and YOU DON'T DESERVE WHAT HE'S GIVING YOU!

Reply to sweetcakes
Posted by: Jasmine | 2004/09/20

Oi, Mandy. You are just prolonging the process! I dont think you are going to feel any better after tolerating 5 more affairs and add 5 more years to your life. Remember, time stands still for NO man. We knoe Its not what you want to hear and it awakens all your deep fears - be careful of the ostrich in the ground syndrome. Good luck.

Reply to Jasmine
Posted by: Kasandra | 2004/09/20

I think as long as he knows you would not leave him , he will continue doing what his doing cause his got no reason to change.

Reply to Kasandra
Posted by: sss | 2004/09/20

Mandy, i dnt understand why you dnt want to dump this guy. he has betrayed you, he has done the worst thing possible. and what i dnt understand is that it has been going on for a year. remember this saying: if sum1 hurts u once its their fault and if some1 hurts you twice its yours. the way i see it he is definitely going to do it, if he hasnt already! dnt let him take ur self-respect and dignity. be strong.

Reply to sss
Posted by: Dick | 2004/09/20

My tickies worth: the celphone behaviour is a dead giveaway....I should know because I was guilty of the same thing. My GF and I were "on a break" because our relationship was troublesome and I became involved with another woman at that time. While deciding which path to chose I had to keep both relationships going. I chose to go back to my old GF and had to let the other woman down gently. While doing this I was terrified to be out of reach of my cell. It went everywhere with me and I could not leave it alone. After I broke it off and weathered the breakup storm for a few days I could breathe easily and now the cell phone is harldy ever with me - in fact, my GF has to remind me to take the damn thing with me.

Just goes to show.......he is hiding something.

Reply to Dick
Posted by: Shaun | 2004/09/20

Hi Mandy,

The justice in this all is that you are being given the chance of taking charge of your life back. Why do you feel you are so lost without this person?
I have learnt, the hard way, that a rewarding relationship is one where you are allowed to be independently dependent. Put in another way, is where you can totally rely on the support of your partner, to be who you want to be.

Take care Mandy,
Regards,
Shaun

Reply to Shaun
Posted by: Mandy | 2004/09/20

Thank you very much for your valuable advise. The thing is I don’t want to break up with him. I just need advice on how to deal with the situation, how to take care of myself within the relationship because in a way I think I have become too attached to him. My life basically revolves around him. What Orie is saying is so true; sometimes it’s not easy to just dump someone. We have something very special btwn, I love him and I know he loves me too its just that right now I’m hurting and I need to nurse that.

Reply to Mandy
Posted by: Inc | 2004/09/20

Mandy, this is unfortunately what happens when you decide to stay with someone who has already been caught cheating. You are the one that has to live with all this anxiety... the trust has been destroyed. Maybe he doesn't want to tell you things because you will jump to conclusions (with every reason given his past)... or maybe he is up to something behind your back. Whatever he is doing, you have no control over... but you do have control over your own life. Are you going to stay with him and go on feeling like this? Or, are you going to move on with someone who you can trust?

Reply to Inc
Posted by: Orie | 2004/09/20

Mandy , I can relate to you in many ways , your story is very very similar to mine . I've been thorugh the cellhone issue, contacts with ex that I dont know of . I'm still with the same man and things are much better now , we spoke and I told him what I think and it stopped . I will not suggest that you dump him , it's easy for people to suggest that . But dont take any hasty decisions yet , Sit down , talk him through the issues you're unhappy with . He's betrayed and hurt you . You've snooped around his personal stuff and he's making an issue out of it . If there was nothing increminatig in his laptop , could he have made an issue out of u reading his documents. Most probably not . he's looking for an excuse . Sit down and talk !

Reply to Orie
Posted by: Kasandra | 2004/09/20

Mandy

I think you do realise that you are in a situation that is not good or healthy for you, you are addicted to this person who keeps on hurting you and dont have any respect for you.

I have been there and Trust me I dont take break ups very well - even if I wasnt to blame i keep on bringing the blame on me, what did I do wrong, why couldnt I be enought, what what what ....

This was negative thoughts that was the root of very very low self esteem and what I thought about myself.

You said you went for councelling which is a positive and good step why not use this session to learn more about loving yourself having respect for yourself and to forget and forgive this bf of yours and move on MOST of all to learn to trust your judgement cause most of the time our instincts about something is right.

It hurts like hell but everything in life is a stepping stone for growth.

Reply to Kasandra
Posted by: Jasmine | 2004/09/20

Im sorry to say but the cell phone behaviour is a dead giveaway. 99% of the time that is atypical behaviour of a deceitful person. You need to decide whether you want to tolerate being the person you are with this bf or whether to set yourself free and be with someone who deserves your trust and with whom your fears are set at ease. Its that simple.

Reply to Jasmine
Posted by: sweetcakes | 2004/09/20

he's not worth it! i think he's hiding something, if he takes his phone with wherever he goes then he must be hiding SOMETHING! if that was my boyfriend i would of dumped his ass long ago, in my books ...ONCE A CHEATER ALWAYS A CHEATER! if he really cared about your feelings, he'd talk to you about these things, he's obviously thinking about himself! i'm sorry if i was a bit harsh, but thats how i see it!
good luck!

Reply to sweetcakes

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