advertisement
Question
Posted by: Sad | 2010/08/13

Hurt in relationship

My fiancé e &  I broke up over a year ago. After I''d waited for him for six years to return to South Africa permanently, he promptly started treating me badly on his return by humiliating me infront of his friend, disappearing at weekends, avoiding me, getting his friend to lie to me &  deliberately making plans to socialise with his friend in front of me, whilst leaving me out. It was like his personality had suddenly changed. At times I was terrified of him because he was irritable &  mostly just in a bad mood. I couldn''t take being hurt anymore &  took the painful decision to leave him. For weeks he played with my emotions by promising to meet with me so that we could at least talk, then making a lame excuse at the last minute. He could never explain why he could so suddenly crumple me up &  throw me away, but he did promise to write me a letter explaining everything. The letter never came. On occassion, we still have to work together &  he chooses to simply ignore me flat. At a recent event, he hogged a shady spot &  happily left me to sit in the sun on my own. It kills me to have him treat me this way &  I inevitably end up in a state. I know I''ll never trust again &  have simply buried myself in work in an attempt to escape the hurt. Counselling made me feel worse. How do I move past the hurt?

Not what you were looking for? Try searching again, or ask your own question
Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

OK, he behaved like a heel. But if he was overseas for so long, presumably you didn't see much of him during that time - how do you know when he changed ? And why, now, do you care so gratly about a guy who fairly obviously does not care for you and treats you badly ? I'm sorry to hear that counselling made you feel worse - unfortunately it sounds as though the counselor wasn't skilled enouh to deal with this relatively frequent type of problem. He can only hurtm you if you choose to care about him and what he does. You don't HAVe to choose to care about him. Clearly you expected much during the time you waited for his return, and he cared much less than you assumed.
Kelly's comments make a lot of sense. His cold and heartless approach may be mainly due to HIM and whatever is going on within him, and is probably much less about you than it feels as though it is.
And as you yourself wisely say, it may be sad that he is behaving like this, but far better he showed his true self now than after you had married him.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

7
Our users say:
Posted by: Sad | 2010/08/22

We saw each other every three weeks, so it wasn''t like at the start of the relationship when we only saw each other every three or four months. The change was easy to detect. He became irritable &  distant, all but completely shut off communication. Whenever we walked together or sat near each other, we would always hold hands. All of a sudden, he would take told of my hand and then promptly shake his hand free, there were no more long hugs, just a brief hug before he would push me away from him. That all neatly coincided with around the time that his ex would have fallen pregnant.
I do still care about him, even though he so obvioulsly cares so little for me. After all that time away, it just feels like I''m still waiting for him to return &  I don''t know how to cut myself off &  stop caring for him.

Reply to Sad
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/08/15

OK, he behaved like a heel. But if he was overseas for so long, presumably you didn't see much of him during that time - how do you know when he changed ? And why, now, do you care so gratly about a guy who fairly obviously does not care for you and treats you badly ? I'm sorry to hear that counselling made you feel worse - unfortunately it sounds as though the counselor wasn't skilled enouh to deal with this relatively frequent type of problem. He can only hurtm you if you choose to care about him and what he does. You don't HAVe to choose to care about him. Clearly you expected much during the time you waited for his return, and he cared much less than you assumed.
Kelly's comments make a lot of sense. His cold and heartless approach may be mainly due to HIM and whatever is going on within him, and is probably much less about you than it feels as though it is.
And as you yourself wisely say, it may be sad that he is behaving like this, but far better he showed his true self now than after you had married him.

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Kelly | 2010/08/14

Glad I could be of assistance :-)

Reply to Kelly
Posted by: Sad | 2010/08/14

That''s exactly it! I''ve been beating myself up over it, even though I know I did nothing but wait faithfully for him &  gave every bit of myself that I could to him. At least he showed his true colours before I made the mistake of marrying him. Thanks again :-)

Reply to Sad
Posted by: Kelly | 2010/08/14

I know what you mean because even though you''re the innocent one, you''re the one that feels bad and like you did something wrong so you live with the pain. But one morning you''ll wake up and feel a whole lot better.

Reply to Kelly
Posted by: Sad | 2010/08/14

Thanks, that''s actually the most reasonable explanation I''ve heard &  offers me a whole new insight into what might have gone wrong. I''m moving on with my life &  don''t really think we''ll ever be together again. It''s just the hurt that I''m struggling with &  his cold-hearted approach that has left me reeling.

Reply to Sad
Posted by: Kelly | 2010/08/14

Well, to me there are only two reasonable explanations-
1) He got a taste of the single life while he was away and he liked it too much or
2) Something happend while he was away and now he''s scared of commitment or scared for you/ scared of hurting you, so he''d rather push you away.
Either way, for now you are wasting time and energy on him. If you start treating him like he''s treating you (except with a bit more decency) then he might wake up and open up OR (if option 1 is correct) he just won''t care, in which case it would be time to start moving on.

Reply to Kelly

Have your say

Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
advertisement