Posted by: Tina | 2009/09/18

Huge guilt over my ex

Hello " Cyb' s" 

How are you doing?

I am the lady that wrote to you about my fear of having so much baggage i.e. the R260 000 debt and so, that I had broken it with my ex who is still living with me.

I made a big step in that I am now giving up the house we live in (me, my mom, him) and am looking for a place for my mom, myself, my dog and cat.

I feel so tremendously guilty (and worried about my ex) because he does not have stable employment, his bakkie was re-possessed (but then they suddenly just left the issue so he has it) and he is doing building when he can. I have been supporting him through his unemployment and so on for years. He is 46 and foreign.

On the other hand I feel that he has family overseas and he recently renewed his passport. I have no family at all barring my mom. He also has friends (some foreign some South African). I don' t know that they will pick him up because they did this after his marriage collapsed.

Everyone tells me that its not my problem and he should have moved out when we broke up some months ago. But I knew very well that he had nowhere to go. I sent him an E-mail telling him that I am serious about moving and letting the house go because I feel that he thinks I don' t mean it.

I am kind of looking forward to still having him as a friend but I want my own life with my own pretty things around me, peace for my mom and I. We have been through a lot of drama as she has been very ill and the debt thing and so on.

I sometimes feel angry and I think good that I am doing this because I am Asthmatic and he smokes in his room although we have told him not to, begged him not to, I gave him an ultimatum. He burns incense to cover it up. I have been so sick, I had swine flu, then bronchitis and then I started pneumonia due to the underlying asthma and he carried on smoking!

So, please say something to get it into my head that he has to take care of himself. I just have visions of him sleeping in the bakkie whilst he has it. The house and garage are also full of his building stuff which I will be glad to see the back of.

I did say to him that I am quite willing to share out things like dishes because I have too many, that I can keep the garden stuff where I am going.

I am purposefully looking for a 2 bedroomed place and no garage because I was asked if I was interested in a place with 2 bedrooms and one study and I said no because that is like a sign to him that there is a spare room.

What is wrong me? Hell, I am no angel and we had terrible rows and so on.

He is a nice person but as he said he is just not successful.

I have a really good job and I have friends helping me find a place even though I am on the credit bureau.

I think I could move on if he moved out.

Also, the house I' m in is too big and expensive anyway.

I have a man that is interested in me but I know in my heart no man is going to be happy with the ex living in the house. I would not date a guy if this were the case.

Have a nice weekend.


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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Phew !
How am I doing WHAT ?
Don't feel guilty --- that's bad for you, and absolutely no help to him or anyone else. He needs to have shown much more initiative for years, and now may have to. If I understand you, you will move to a saler and more afordable home with your mom and pets, and he now MUST find himself somewhere else. An ex ought to be sufficiently Ex.
Maybe he sees himself as a builder, but meanwhile should get ANY job --- even packing groceries in a supermarket, so as to earn money and self-respect. Too often people decide they are "a builder", a dancer, whatever, and ignore all other more suitable and profitable opportunities, insisting on persistently losing in something that just isnt working. If he is not successful at one thing, he could be successful at others, but apparently doesn;'t try them.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. If you still don't succeed --- try something else.

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Our users say:
Posted by: almost mad | 2009/09/18

I have asthma too and my fiance makes an effort not to smoke around me. your ex doesnt sound like a very nice person to carry on smoking around you...espesially after all youve done for him. You could have died, but he didnt care enough to not smoke around you, doesnt that tell you something?

Reply to almost mad

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