Posted by: Amanda | 2013/01/09

Hubby wants a baby, I don''t

Hi, I am hoping you can shed some light... my hubby has been wanting a baby for a couple of years now, I haven''t. There is a slight age gap, but he is going to be hitting his 30''s this year and feels it''s now time. I am a couple of years younger, but don''t feel fully mature enough for a baby. I would love one too... in a few years. I would be a great mother, he would be a great father (we are very loving people and are very doting on other people''s kids- but those are OTHER people''s kids). We also have quite a few animals, and we consider them our children.

But hubby wants a REAL baby, not a furbaby or anything. I don''t know... I''m just not feeling it yet. To top it off, we can''t ACTUALLY afford one either (again, in a few years when some more of our debts are paid, then we will have more disposable money). He''s also just started a new job, we are looking for a better place to live... things are just too unstable at the moment.

I say I''m not fully mature yet because I can''t help but think what will my family think (because our relationship had some major ups and downs). I know my mother doesn''t want grandkids as she doesn''t like children, my mother in law hates me... it''s not a great environment. My father and my father in law aren''t fussed, my father loves kids so that would be OK. I also, and please forgive me for saying this, have seen what babies do to people''s bodies. I work for a plastic surgeon, I''ve seen the pictures. I already have a bit of a battered body (weight problems in my teens) and I am still not comfortable with my body as it is. I KNOW not all people are the same, but I saw what happened to my mom, and my aunts, and my grandmother... it''s not good. I know I have an advantage working for a plastic surgeon, but still.

I KNOW babies are a gift, and I would love to have one, but again, in a few years time when I am happier and more comfortable.

Hubby understands, of course, but this morning he mentioned it like 3 times. He even said that the dress I am wearing is nice, because I can still wear it when I get bigger! How do I get him to understand without being too selfish?

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Our expert says:
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Do you understand what you mean when you say "mature enough" to have a baby ? ( you don't mention your actual age ) Are there aspects in which you feel some sense of lack AND which you feel confident you will somehow develop in the next couple of years ?
When you married your husband, did you feel differently ? If not, did you frankly tell him how you felt about not wanting children ?
Affording a child financially is of course a valid and important reason for some caution, but you seem to be talking about not affording one emotionally, an issue which might not be so easily solved.
Children are to be had for the child's sake, above all, and then your own desire to love and care for it ; whether or not your mother or mother-in-law want grandchildren is hardly relevant.
Many things can affect the appearance and attractiveness of a person's body, and children are very far from universally degrading the mother's appearance in the manner you seem to be assuming. And your experience in a plastic surgeon's office is biased and misleading - why would any woman NOT damaged in some way go to see a plastic surgeon at all ?
Your arguments with yourself are, as you probably notice, contradictory. If the main concern is that having a baby will make your body look ugly, that wouldn't be different in a few years time, would it ?
Maybe seeing a couples counsellor together would help you to understand each other better, and work towards more useful decision-making ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Mummy | 2013/01/09

Oooooh I had the exact same concerns........... we''ll not with regards to my family... but with regards to my body. I was petrified, bought all the stretchmark creams I could get my hands on, worked out until the time came where it became too dangerous to do the things I was doing, really, I understand.

And after that, I still wound up looking like some tiger/ zebra. My husband... bless his sometimes foolish heart... made a comment once about them and I wanted to DIE!!!!! I told him he wanted the baby just as much, if he''s unhappy with me then he must pay for some kind of treatment for me. I was also desperately unhappy with how I looked... people constantly commented on my great figure becuase I got back to exercise the minute I could but believe me once the clothes came off it was an insult to my eyes.

You learn to live with it... I guess. My baby girl is now a three year old busy body and I love her dearly. The stretch makrs have gotten a bit better over the years, I still want some kind of treatment. Plastic surgery won''t get the stretchmarks off the obscure places they formed...............

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