Posted by: Foxy girl | 2009/06/30

How to tell them?

Hi, Please give me some advice. My husband and i have been married for 1 year - so we are basically newly weds. My husband has made a good life for us, we dont struggle. I come out of a back ground where my mother was a single mom and a small salary and looked after 3 kids - i am the eldest.
Anyway when my husband and i got married a few months later - my mom asked if she could move in with us for about 3 months. We agreed as she was struggling financialy. Then the same time my younger sister had a baby, she is 20 and her fiance is about 24 - they were also struggling financially - so they moved in with us as well.
It has been a year now, since everyone is staying with us. My husband is fed up as they dont help me clean the house, cooking is always an issue and my husband is a very neat person. And there is always fighting umong us. So the house is always in a mess - we have tried talking about this - it changes for 2 or 3 days then its the same issue again. I am 8 months pregnant, and have to do the house work for 5 persons - which i dont think is fair - my husband works late sometimes so he is not always there to help me, but when he is there - he does help me a lot. But we just think its not fair that we have to clean up after them? They are all grown ups.
I have told them about 2 months ago that its best for them to move out - so my mom got all emotional and made me feel really bad - how could i do that to her etc etc... So we said its fine they could stay.
But this sitauation is not getting better and its putting strain on our marriage. And they can afford finding a place now.
How do i tell them to move out and stick to my desicion without feeling bad? Please help !!!!

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Our expert says:
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It made sense to assist your mom, but your home is supposed to be your hom,e not a permanent haven for feckless people --- your sister had no need to become pregnant before she and her partner could afford to look after themselves. You need as a couple to sit down with them and speak pleasantly but very firmly --- this situation cannot continue in thie way. They MUST help in the house and contribute towards the expenses, and, especially the sister and her bf, must make plans to become self-suficient as soon as possible. They MUST do the cleaning and other chores, they cannot be privileged guests forever, and have no right to be lazy and expect you to pay for them and work as an unpaid servant of theirs. And they should do the cooking to whatever extent suits you. If not, stop cooking for them or providing food for them. They may be grown ups but they are behaving like spolt brats.
And don't allow them to make you feel guilty. You owe your sister and her bf nothing ; they chose to get pregnant, and have done nothing to help themselves except to use you like a group of parasites. And your mom should not expect you to support her and slave for her either. She has slightly more right to hope for some help from you, but that doesn't mean she shouldn't work in the house and make herself useful. Give the sister's bunch a deadline or maybe 2 months to make another plan and move out, and make it clear that nless they work well in the house, the deadline will be tomorrow. And tell them you will not allow them to make you feel guilty, and that you are surprised they don't feel guilty, as they should, for what they have been doing to you

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Our users say:
Posted by: Fed Up | 2009/06/30

U know the main problem with pple today is that they target our weak points &  use it to make us feel bad but at the same time get what they want. I would say u move out or if its ur house make them all move out. It may not seem right bcoz its ur mum &  family but as u said, no1 wants to help out &  play the part. U need to think about u, ur hubby &  ur unborn baby now. Forget about every1 else. If they care so much about u they wouldn' t be putting u thru this. My hubby &  i are newlyweds &  i told him we have to live along coz us being indian aswell, living with family is a big no no! When ever u mix family with a married couple, things are always gona go wrong. Please think about ur family now which is ur hubby &  baby. Thinking about family wont get u anywhere especially if they do what ur family is doing. They are all grown ups &  they should play their part. I suggest u tell ur sister to start looking for a place &  ur mum should consider staying with some1 else in the family. U can help out &  give her money but 4 ur sister... sorry to say but she is not 12 neither is she 70, she should get a job &  so should her fiance. If they all were mature enough &  appreciated u taking them in they would show it but from what u are saying they probably want to live a free life &  have u &  ur hubby provide which is very wrong. U are pregnant... do u want to lose ur baby to stress? u saying theres always fights among url, thats not right. This is a point in ur life when u ?&  ur hubby should be bonding with the baby &  doing other things that soon to be parents are doing. Come on now think about ur life since no1 else cares about urs. The whole emotional thing is only to get to u. U need to set the rules. If u dont want to hurt any1 feelings by telling them to move out then set the rules str8. Make it clear that if they living under ur roof they will help out &  play their part. Otherwise this will never end

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