Posted by: Dont wanna be selfish! | 2007/12/07

How to tell if it's love?

Dear Cyber Doc

All my previous relationships have been unhealthy abusive ones, in some way or another. Most of them have left me being the one head over heels in love, constantly swooning over the men and getting very little in return.

I have had a huge change of events in my life this year, leaving my boyfriend of 4 years who was emotionally unavailable, selfish and as deep as a rock pool and have had to face my share of demons, like being alone, accepting my own company and being my own friend.

I have recently met this guy, he's the stereotypical "nice guy". Always wants to do things for me, always opens the car door, runs after my every need and desire. I obviously had an attraction at the beginning and we're very sexually compatible, in fact sex has never been this good. But, and here's the but, we're living together (after only 1 month of knowing each other) and in the mornings when I wake up he's staaaaaaring at me, absolutely smitten with me. Its a real turn off.

I dont know why i would feel this way. Maybe cause I've been engaged 2ce and have hardened myself?? Maybe cause its more of a companionship than a "gaga" kind of relationship? I dont find myself missing him, and I dont find myself gazing into his eyes ...

Please help me doc, I dont wanna lose him, he's a great guy, would make a great dad, a great husband and is such a honey, I do feel there is sexual compatability but I dont know if what i'm feeling is a sign of a normal, healthy relationship and because I dont know any better can't handle it, but I feel so guilty, like he deserves better. I dont wanna hurt him Doc!! He misses me so much and I really like him but I just dont know why I dont see or feel fireworks like I did with all the others?? I keep saying to him as a joke " beat me, beat me! Treat me like a whore" It's almost like I enjoy being the hunter rather than the hunted.

Please advise
Thanks for giving of yourself this year and have a merry Christmas!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Sounds like you may have made useful progress this year. I hope you are seeing a realistic, CBT-style therapist to help you work through all this realistically and effectively. Maybe the problem with Mr Nice Guy is that you have developed the habit of feeling that you don't deserve things to be as good as this, and that he's maybe too good for you ? Though living together fter just a month sounds desperate, needy and over-hasty.
And to find him appearing to be hopelessly in love with you is a turn-off ? Why ? Aren't you worthy of such love ? If you are really finding it so hard to accept and enjoy such love --- don't you both need and deserve to see a therapist to get this sort of thing straightened out ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: LL | 2007/12/07

Good is hard to find. Take him.when you older you will wish for the good guy not the exciting guy. take him.

Reply to LL

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