Posted by: Peter | 2004/10/08

How to tell if it is PMS?

Dear CS
I have been married for 27 years - my wife is 47 old. Our two elder kids have left home and the youngest is 12. To everybody else, she appears to be the model wife and mother. Yet, at home it is a diffent story - I have to dodge and dive all the time. At times she is sweet and compliant, yet mostly she gets verbally abusive and it is progressively getting worse. I feel inadequate and I really can not tell her (as she demands I do twice per day) from my heart that I love her anymore. I am sick and tired of having to bite my tongue not to reciprocate the verbal storm she unleashes on me.

I am not allowed to have friends outside of her circle of friends or to switch my Cell phone off when I am home. I have learnt that keeping quiet or trying to argue, have the same effect - so I just keep quiet as it is easier on the brain-cells. As she is still not menopausal, I initially thought that this might be PMS.Do I need to fight her, do I need to leave her - and what must I do to understand her? She is embarrasing me at work with her ravings over the telephone and accusations in her view I have slept with all the women that I work with and she would not hessitate to phone them and level these accusations at them.

If it weren't for my yougest son, I would have left her long time ago.

Thanks! (just getting that off my heart already helped..)

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Hi Peter,
If she didn't have PMS with her periods earlier in the marriage, it'd be a bit odd for PMS to start up at this late stage. Does she recognize at all, in any way, that she does have some sort of a problenm ? Would she consider seeing a shrink for assessment and advice ? WOuld she consider joining you in marriage counselling ?
It sounds more like some other sort of condition has supervened here --- maybe paranoia, maybe an odd variety of depression, whatever. Does she have any physical ilness that could have got worse and be causing complications ? IS it possible that she is abusing drugs and/or alcohol ? Overall, this sounds more like an abusive spouse, than one with PMS. See a lawyer. Maybe try calling POWA and see if they can advise, as they deal with spousal abuse.
However many lawyer pals she has, shouldnt affect the outcome. Get a good lawyer yourself. And as Paul suggests, maybe collect some evidence in advance.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Peter | 2004/10/08

Guys - CS , Paul, Hart..- thanks for the solid advice, especially the one re. the dictaphone. It has started something I wanted to do for the past 10 years..

Whenever I hint at Councilling or that she seeks help, she launches into a tirade, just to be Ms Congeniality at the next outing with friends... Nope, I'm gatvol and will be taking your advice. I'l be e-mailing the soundtrack to all her friends just for good measure.

Thanks - and have a great week-end.

Reply to Peter
Posted by: Paul | 2004/10/08

so be sly my mate, get a dictaphone and start recording her screaming and freaking out, it'll make for some interesting conversation in court, show the world who the bad one is, then you wont lose it all.

Reply to Paul
Posted by: peter | 2004/10/08

Hart, thanks! I suppose it is a case of denial on my part- you have hit the nail on the head - my life is hell and I am willingly accepting it. I have tried to reason with her - man, it is like talking to a brick wall!

On a positive note: I am now 'gatvol' and will be seeing a lawyer before the month is through. Worrying thing though is that she has a few attorneys as friends and I'll walk out with only the clothes on my back.


Reply to peter
Posted by: Hart | 2004/10/08

Peter, you are only making your own life hell to add to what your wife is doing to you , only you can stop it by not allowing her to manipulate you, her verbal abuse and things is no PMS if she pretends in front of people she is messing with you dude, I was in a marriage like this man you cannot allow her to control you it is a two way street with communication love etc as for saying you are only there for your 12 year old lad you kid yourself the harm the arguments/ abuse your wife gives you will affect your boy just as much, go read up on this I did the same, take a deep look inside and see for yourself , try stepping out your life and look back in and see, I hope you can see and try and make your way to sanity and out of an abusive relationship you describe you are no slave or lackey to your wife you are a individual with needs and rights.

Reply to Hart

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