Our expert says:
" I always have a feeling deep down that no one could possibly love me " --- this may be the core of the problem, including a lack of self-esteem and self-confidence, which good CBT oriented counselling / therapy could help. Re-read your own message, about feeling so sure you are never good enough, and "disgusting" --- you're not, but feeling like that about yourself will create such problems. You probably already make more people happier than you give yourself credit for --- and you seem to see your sole purpose in life to be that of making other people happy, not feeling anyone has any duty to help you to be happy. As you recognize, suicide or even an attempt on your part could leave him damaged and painfully bothered for a very long time.
SOunds like the first step needs to be seeing a good shrink for a thorough assessment and probably treatment of your depression and negativity towards yourself, maybe with CBT counselling and perhaps medication as well.
Then, if there are any remaining issues between you, joint couples counselling could help sort those out, too
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