Posted by: Debs | 2009/01/16

how to get a life!!!

CS I have been married for many years (20+) we are in our early 40' s. we basically have had kids from day one. we are happily married in general. We have 3 kids - two have left school and are young adults and one has just started high school. My problem is, is that all i have ever known is being a mom and a wife ( i do work but am not a career girl - just to earn a living) my hubby feels that he is the bottom of the list and that I am obsessed with my kids. I am very involved with the two adults although they dont live with us. they both work as well. My youngest obviously been a teen at home still needs attention and an involved mom. In my heart i know hubby is right - he is neglected although i love him very much and try very hard to keep him happy. my question is how do i change it - how do i become less involved with my adult children?

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Our expert says:
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Having kids early on, tends to create one very absorbing form of life for you, but to make it hard to develop other dimensions of life for a time. And you are wise to recognize that someone who has for so long only known the role of Mom, can suffer the Empty Nest Syndrome when their youngest matures and leaves home, rather than recognizing and enjoying the great opportunities now to develop other aspects of their life. And as you se, it can lead to your extending the nest, and trying to continue to mother people who no longer need it.
Maybe some mariage counselling would help you both to enjoy the marriage more, and set you both at the top of each other's lists. See a personal counsellor and work out what else you can do and enjoy in life. Maybe use some of your spare "mothering" energies in volunteer work with children in need, hospices, old age homes, etc., helping people who really need and deserve help, rather than pressing help on people who, however greatful, no longer need it exactly because you did your job as mom so well

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Our users say:
Posted by: dakota | 2009/01/16

I understand how you feel and how your husband feels as I was in a similar situation. Start by making time for each other every day - even if it is just half and hour, sit and talk to each other about the day. Cuddle in bed on a weekend morning, even if you only get up at 11am!!! Go to movies together or to the beach or hiking or doing a hobby together. If you can afford it, go out to dinner once or twice a month - just the two of you. Rather than make an effort to spend less time with your children rather make an effort to spend more time with your husband.

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