Our expert says:
Lordy, what a long one ! I need another cup of cofee, quick !
You may have had high hopes for a dream relationsip with this guy, but it really doesn't sound as though he was sincere on his side, and he sems to have used you till he found the right trophy wife, who he may, in turn, discard at a later stage.
And surely at last, at the very latest, when he got married, you should have realized what he was and that he would NOT form the relationship with you that you'd hoped for ? YOur pain probably stems NOT so much from the understandable and inevitable ( but not usually long-lasting ) sense of grief at acknowledging the final loss of the dream you banked on, but from a persisting indulgence in fantasies about how it might still happen, or could have happened, or should have happened.
You gave him far, far more power over you and your life than anyone should ever give to anyone else - that's not a love relationship, that's emotional slavery. He has absolutely no power over you except what you choose to give him - and you are still giving him that.
And your status as a lover usually has no contractual provision for a pension, financial or emotional, yet you signed up for it. For him to still ask to see you is outrageously callous and cruel.
YOu do need to work on this with a counsellor - and you absolutely MUST discuss this relationship and its implications in detail - there's no room for shame in talking with a counsellor, who has heard far worse than anything you could reveal and is there to help you feel better, not to help you feel ashamed. Otherwise it's like goin to see a surgeon when you have appendicitis, and neglecting to mention the pain in your belly.
You get sexual partners because you make yourself available and hold to such a low opinion of yourself, and feel as though giving sex is the only value you have ( not true, but it might feel that way ) - but you don't find romantic relationships because you have chosen to remain pre-occupied with this heel. Do see a realistic counsellor soon and work frankly from the start with what is actually troubling you, and you can get through this, leave the bad guy behind, and start a clean page of more fruitful and happy life.
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