Posted by: Yoda | 2004/09/29

How to fix my marriage

My wife and I have been through some rough times over the last three years. Just after we bought a house I left my job as it was not going anywhere. I started a business with a german collegue who needed to start a business to get residence. Things did not go well and eventually he went to London. I tried to carry on the business without success. I managed to keep paying the bond but my debt situation got worse and worse. I kept most of this from my wife as I new she would get angry with me. She was not happy with me leaving my job so soon after buying our first house. Things started getting really bad so I sold my car and used the money to pay off some of the debt and buy a cheapie. My wife started getting more and more withdrawn and working longer and harder. She was also writing exams so she was always stressed. She was also getting demanding saying that I should look for a job and close down the business as I was getting behind with the admin and tax stuff. After two and a half years of this, and still with no luck finding a job, and me once again in alot of debt she packed up, sold the house, told me to sort out my life .. I have not done my tax returns for two years. During the seperation she saw some photos of a woman on my cell phone and thought I was having an affair. I explained to her that it was nothing but she would not believe me. She told me to file for divorce. I filed the papers and started seeing another woman. I did not love this other woman and when my wife showed signs of relenting her demands on me I asked her to go out and we have been back together since. My wife asked me to go for an hiv test just to be sure and eventually I went. She then found an old letter I had written to her where I confessed I had slept with a prostitute. She is demanding that I go for another hiv test as we have sex unprotected. I still have not sorted out my business and my tax and she is nagging me about this. It looks like she is withdrawing from me again. The last few months have been wonderful, she has been very good to me showing me alot of love and I dont want to lose that. We have three boys and she is studying again, so perhaps she is just under stress again. How can I get her trust in me back and stop her from withdrawing again.

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Our expert says:
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Dear Yoda,
Apart from marriag counselling if you two can agree on it and arange it, it sounds like you badly need some organizational skills, and to draw on help where you can find it. Is there some financial advice and help available through your bank ? ( Generally, hey'd rather work with you to keep your head above water than lose loans entirely ). Can you call the Tax people and see if they can allocate you someone to help you sort out the tax mess ? Again, surely they'd rather you tried to work with them to sort it out, than to get into bigger problems ?
Go for the HIV test anyway, that should be easy to arrange at a government clinic. Check on how you can support and help her with her studies. Are there family members who can help you two share some of the burden and at least to talk through the problems and seek solutions ? And consider, after discussing this with your wife, calling a group like FAMSA, to arrange joint mariage counselling, to heal whatever can be healed ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: lady nina | 2004/09/29

hi there

you don't deserve such a "2 gether lady"

you are weak man and need to sort out your life, let her go she is still strong and knows exactly what she wants

all you can do is proof you are worhty of her love - get you act together -

a woman need security and while you are still in debt and having problems you can not give her what she needs.

you have one hell of a g8 lady and it would be hard to fill her shoes, grow up and be wise


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