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Question
Posted by: Wife | 2005/12/05

How does everything get back to normal?

Hi All,

My husband cheated on me with a prostitute and has since confessed because he couldnt live with himself. I am not trying to make excuses for him. but he feels bad and also suggested that we go to a marriage counsellor to work things out. Its been more than 2 months and I can honestly see the change in him. He only used to pay things in the house and give me money when I asked for it. But since then he has given me all rights to his salary to pay everything in the house and he asks me for money .

He didnt used to do that especially with money. I dont know if he is really and truly sorry he cheated. We have to kids. My only problem is that I cant seem to be able to make love to him anymore. Whenever we try I just keep picturing him with her and I turn cold.

WHat do you think?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Well, it does indeed sound as if he IS ashamed of what he did and trying hard to put things right. What more would you expect him to do, right now, to chow that he is truly sorry ? Have you taken up the offer of marriage counselling ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Not using my usual nic | 2005/12/05

My boyfriend use to go to prostitutes before me and after his divorce.

He said that all prostitutes wear condoms at all times.

There was only 1 that once gave him a bj without a condom.

Just thought it might help you to know.

Reply to Not using my usual nic
Posted by: Helena of Troy | 2005/12/05

Hugh Grant's g/f Liz Hurley forgave him and they tried for a while after that. But it did not work. Today they are still best of friends.

Maybe you can be his friend but not his lover ever again. And if that is all you have to offer he must accept it.

After all it is his doing not yours.

Reply to Helena of Troy
Posted by: Frusty | 2005/12/05

What do I say here. Well, I have been on the receiving end as well. I know all about the "guilt gifts" and compromises. All I can say to you is that you have my sympathies and be very, very careful about being lulled into a false sense of security again. If there is ever a next time, he will think it is fine, as long as he gives you something or compromises something on his part again and then it will be fine. I sound like the profit of doom here, and I don't like it.

So, to change the tune, I doubt he will do it again, as you had been together for a long time before his "slip-up". Things will never be the same again, no matter how hard you try, but if enough effort is put into the relationship by BOTH of you, you can still have a good and healthy marriage. But all of this is going to take time, patience and lots of hard work from both of you.

Good luck.

Reply to Frusty
Posted by: CP Mom | 2005/12/05

My Dear as I said you are a better person than me.

I would NEVER be able to stand that. When I left my husband of 11 years he had just spent a weekend with a bar lady and I could not get over it, so a prossie ? A Nee A!

Reply to CP Mom
Posted by: Friend | 2005/12/05

Jakes

If, and this is a big if, the couple can get through this obstacle together and work through the emotions and pain, and if real forgiveness can take place, they can become even closer to each other than before. Sometimes an affair or something like this can make a couple evaluate themselves, think about what they mean to each other and if they can put everything in the past and forgive each other, their relationship can grow.

Reply to Friend
Posted by: Jakes | 2005/12/05

Friend

I said in my case that things will not be the same again. How can it be better in time?? The same applies here.

Reply to Jakes
Posted by: Friend | 2005/12/05

I don't think your relationship will ever be the same again, but in time in can become even better than before. I think you need time and it is important to find out why he cheated, was it influences from his friends, maybe he felt neglected or perhaps there is something in your sex life you can work on. I know it is very difficult for you. Good luck.

Reply to Friend
Posted by: Wife | 2005/12/05

Thx CP Mom and ...

My problem is I cant seem to get past this and I think I obsess if I may call it that. He is giving me all the space I need, even when I dont want to share a bed with him, he sleeps in the lounge.

But I somehow this is not enough. We took vows you know and yes I have asked him to get tested and for HIV as well. He will go again after 3 months, but we shouldnt have to go through this in the first place hadnt he cheated. We have been together for 10 years and 5 married. I get so resentful towards him sometimes when I just look at him. Will this pain ever go away?

Reply to Wife
Posted by: Jakes | 2005/12/05

i think it must be difficult to know he cheated - not to mention with a prostitute. Did he ever say why?

Hats off to him for taking the initiative to try and remedy, but you need time for the intimacy to start again - something special to happen.

Reply to Jakes
Posted by: ... | 2005/12/05

make sure he gets tested for STI's.... you have to protect yourself.... things will never be as they were before... but that doesn't mean they can't be good.... he has let you down... and you will need time to rebuild the trust... and he is possibly over-compensating for his guilt..... it's going to be hard to get through this alone and think his idea of marriage counselling is a good one... and shows his willingness to resolve the issues.....

Reply to ...
Posted by: CP Mom | 2005/12/05

You are a better person than me to do this.

I can very well understand why you cannot have sex with him, he has to understand this and accept it and HE is the one that has to work on it. Nothing wrong with you dearest, it's not you, don't ever think that it is, okay?

He has to give you the time you need to get "over" it if I may put it that way.

Good luck.

Reply to CP Mom

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