Posted by: Bks | 2008/11/21

how do you get over unfaithfullness?

My wife had an affair and I found out about it. I did end up in hospital because of the shock I had. I asked her why she did it but up to date do not have a straight answer.

We have children writing their final exams at Varsity and I said that we keep it from them for we do not need to destroy their futures. I am staying in the marraige at this moment for I feel I cannot make a rational decision now because of what happened and I hurt to much.

We went away for a weekend totry and get things going again and speak about what happened. For her it is just something that happened and thats it!! She tried to initiate sex but I cannot have sex with her knowing that another man had sex with her.

I need to know, how do I get over this and what can I do to get rid of this dead feeling inside me?

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Our expert says:
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Somtimes you don't get a straight answer because she / he doesn't HAVE a straight answer, and doesnt HAVE a straight answer to give. See a counsellor to help you deal with the immediate hurt and to more calmly make sound decisions for the future.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: anna | 2008/11/24

I am sure that one does not go out there and purposefully seek an affair. It is the result of things happening between two people. Yes, both should be strong enough to resist the temptation, but that normally does not happen. I am also not so certain whether they can really give an answer as to why the affair happened. The person that he/she had the affair with may not even be good looking or what you would regard as a worthy person.
The best option is that your wife must break all ties with this man and never see him again, if you have not asked this yet.
To trust and love is something that would take very long to be restored. This apply to both parties.
If you want to divorce her, then you will have to tell the children of the plans and give a reason for this. It seems as if they are grown up, therefore they might be understanding of the whole situation.

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Posted by: anon | 2008/11/23

I know how you feel my husband had an affair with a woman who he works with and only known for 3 weeks and he answer was it was not looking for it it just happened - that he had feelings for her. we are married for 35 years and my whole being is devestated - i dont trust him - and i dont really know what he wants now - he does not want to talk -he probably has still has feelings for her. i want to give it another try but i am not getting too much of a committment from him - sad but true.

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Posted by: Nozi | 2008/11/21

Trust is gone pity settles in and don' t stay out of pity, your life will be questionable at all times. I know it' s hard to even touch one, your skin feels dirty thereafter, don' t do it for the kids, mine swore me when I divorced their father after finding out he was cheating on me.I hadn' t told them anything and divorced him, they thought I was wrong.

Reply to Nozi
Posted by: Anon2 | 2008/11/21

Sorry boet, but you will NEVER trust her again. And just the thought of what she did will another man is an absolute killer!
You will always throw it up in her face.
I would leave her if I were you.
This is going to be the hardest thing ever for you

Reply to Anon2
Posted by: amzing | 2008/11/21

sorry abt the spelling mistakes.i ws just so excited.

Reply to amzing
Posted by: amazing | 2008/11/21

Bud, you are trully amazing. said like a true man that knows her purpose. im not married and have never been cheated on or cheated but if all man thought like you and took their places the way they should, relationships wold be so much easier. man nees to know that no matter how strong or rick the woman might be, at the end of the day she wants her man to be a man and take his place. love her, care for her, protect her and do all those things that he dad sis to make her feel safe.i wish my man had read your statement and stop feeling so insecure about my success coz honestly i dont care how much he earns, i just want to be with him as i enjoy him as it is.

Reply to amazing
Posted by: bud | 2008/11/21

Gents, yes it is hard!! Myself it is now 5 years since it happend to my wife. The answer is hard end sometimes not what you want to hear. In my case the guy was one of those that caught her with friendship. You see in my marrage things just came to a point that what he offered was persived to have been better than I had to offer. In reality I worked hard and gave her things that made me feel like I had done my part. The but in this story is that it was not, communication, passion and a relationship. See I got so use to our life together that I messed up bad. Yes that does not give her the right to do this but you know it was bouth our fault. If you want this to get better then you need to change yourself before you look at her. The sex thing is a mind thing because you feel inferior to this guy. Look at her as a differant person because this affair has changed her and restart from scratch your relationship. It takes time to rebuild trust but believe me it gets back there again and my marrage now I will not change for anything els. The fact that she is still with you means you have one the battle now take your place as the victor and claim your prize and sweep her of her feet!! Good luck and my God heal your and her wonds!!!!

Reply to bud
Posted by: Anon | 2008/11/21

If you decide to stay in the marriage you will have to find a way to deal with it or forgive her, or it will never work. People make mistakes, and regret it later, but they cannot turn back the clock!!!!

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Darkie bra | 2008/11/21

i knwo exactly how u feel its been two yrs for me and i stil cant move past it even after couselling
I cant touch her at all.,
Pray hard you forget cos forgiveness is ellusive especially when she pathetically down plays the whole thing as if all she did was flirt

Reply to Darkie bra

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