Posted by: leanna | 2009/01/19

how do men see us?

hello all i am a single mum and would like to be in a relationship again. I would like to get a perspective of what my chances are, in real terms. Every guy i have been on a date with in the past 3.5 to 4 years has not gotten back to me after I revealed I am a mother, which i always do on the first date as i feel its only fair. If a man has seen me again, the emphasis has been on sex and not a relationship.

I am now wondering if i am wasting my time and shd rather be at home playing with my child than trying to get into the dating scene. Is it a basic truth that men do not want to go near women with ' baggage' ? We are called ' trucks n trailers'  I hear that one very often.
Its one thing if u r a single mum called angelina jolie  every man still wants to be near you. What if u r just an everyday single mum living in Jhb?

I once asked a counsellor friend about it and she said the majority of men understand a single mum to have been rejected for some reason or another and they worry about what this reason might be. That alone makes them wary of you, the fact that someone out there chose not to be with you and his child. My counsellor friend says a single mum is by default a rejected woman and this is what puts guys off. She also said the divorced women are usually as eligible as single women but never-married women with kids are the least desirable of the pool.

is all this true?

any opinions?

thank u

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Our users say:
Posted by: V | 2009/01/20

A man has a left brain and a right brain. In the left brain fokol is right, and in the right brain fokol is left......

Reply to V
Posted by: J | 2009/01/19

Just talking in general: it is obvious that one will prefer a lady with no kids, but if you meet her and she has kids, then it is still a case of how you find her, so if you just act yourself and be normal and somewhere along the line the relationship will develop because the two of you like what they see in one another.

Reply to J
Posted by: Jason | 2009/01/19

Hi Leanna,

As a divorced man without any kids, I would have no problem dating a single mother or divorced woman.

I think the guys you have met are:
a) either worried about the connection you have with the ex when it comes to your little one, or
b) scared that they' ll have to play second fiddle to your child, or
c) unsure of how to deal with kids.

You would probably get a different response if you met a single father.

When it comes to divorced people, one just has to dig around to find the real reason for the break-up. Was someone unfaithful or is that person just difficult to please?

Hope that helps!


Reply to Jason
Posted by: me | 2009/01/19

Thanks leanna for bringing this up, I' ve been pondering over this question myself for the past 3 or so days. I' m only recently broken up and I was beginning to panic with regard to what chances does a single mother really stand in the dating game. Thanks for the responses, very encouraging. Phew!

Reply to me
Posted by: jske | 2009/01/19

i am reading your post and surprisingly i find it strange that a grown man has a problem with someone who has a child to take a of, I have absolutely now problem or whatsover about someone with a child and mind i have no child of my own..

I don' t think, i t is because you are a single mom that you have been so unlucky lately, you just happen to have met jerks or somepoeple you don' t connect with...

Honestly,if i was to advise you, stop will probably meet someone, or you have you are just busy looking for him while you have him in your hand.

It is not so bad to be alone, would you rather date a psycho than be alone....someone will come..just take your time and enjoy it with your baby..

Reply to jske
Posted by: How | 2009/01/19

Men see us in the same way we see ourselves. If we feel rejected and scorned we carry this out to the world. Lift your chin and look life in the eye.

Reply to How
Posted by: James | 2009/01/19

Finger troubles - My personal opinion

Reply to James
Posted by: A friend? | 2009/01/19

Wow, and she calls herself a friend? All men are not brain-dead (although we sometimes feel they are- hehe) and some of them are also divorced. How come we don' t think of them as rejects? No, I think your friend gave you the wrong idea. Anything could have happened to break up the marriage and no one automatically thinks that if you are divorced or a single mom that you have been rejected. If this were the case we wouldn' t have second marriages. Unfortunately I think you were in a relationship with someone who did not care as much as you do - and this happens - it' s a part of life. If he does not like the idea of you having a child - well then it is his loss. Some men can handle it, others can’ t. I know lots of women who are quite happy in their second marriages and the men in their lives love their children. People have different ideas on this issue. Get out there and on to the dating scene again. Who knows, you might meet Mr Right and learn to love his children too.

Reply to A friend?
Posted by: James | 2009/01/19

My perosnal apinion (as a male) is that those guys were shallow and immature. The same logic applies when they expect the body to remain the way it was before babies and breastfeeding. If their emphasis is purely on sex then what do they expect when that fails? People should understand that as one travells on lifes road that you pick up baggage (not just women) and that it is part and parcel of the package.

Me I personnally have no issues with a single mother, have dated one or two and I cant find fault with it. I myself am a dad, should I also now be discarded, deemed to be lesser than those tha have not walked in my footsteps.

Ultimately, what I trying to say, is dont let shallow people and their opinions worry you. You might not find the right one straight away but I wouldnt rush into anything.

Reply to James

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