Posted by: Jade | 2004/03/09

How do I tell him?

Since I separated from my hubby a few weeks ago, (with my intension to divorce), he calls every day (about a zillion times ), which he never used to do when we were still together. Sometimes we have small talk – other times all he can talk about is sex, and what and how we should do it etc. I took the advice to let him “court me” again, and to tell the truth, it makes me feel good the way he now treats me opposed to when we were married. We meet and cuddle and pet, and on one occasion we even made passionate love in the car like 18 yr olds! Yes, it felt so good – like the good old days, before marriage and children - so no complaints there!!
My problem is that I left him because he used to verbally abuse me, and even threaten me with his gun; so I know he will not change his ways, no matter what anybody says – been there already!.
Even if this courting thing goes on for a while, I’m scared the topic of me moving back will arise, and I know I do not want to go back to the life I had for more than a decade. I’m fine the way I am, I come and go as I please, talk to whom I want, etc. I’ve even met someone who wants to date me, but I don’t want to go that far yet.
How do I make it clear to him, that all this courting stuff is good, but I do not want to get back together? I do not want him to think that all is fine, because we are “dating” again; I want him to move on, and not blame me in the end for giving him false hopes How do I break this news to him, without getting him angry?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Dear Jade,
I think you're being really realistic. This new courting, re-courting phase may indeed be enjoyable. But you also need to talk with him seriously, in a safe place ( like a restaurant or coffee--shop, about the realities. That it is his verbal abuse, and the threatening with a gun, that you very rightly fear and cannot subjct yourself to, again.
whether or not he can hear what he needs to hear, without anger, who knows ? That's why it's usually wisest to choose a setting in which he won't want to cause a scene. But he needs to know what has caused the separation, and that your fears are realistic and sensible, and that no amount of wooing will remove them. And unless he can come up with something unusually convincing about how he will prevent those threats from ever arising again, perhaps entering serious therapy to deal with it, he needs to know that you can't put yourself at risk again.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Been There | 2004/03/10

Jade... You are not too precise on the fact of children. Do you have any? Where children are concerned, it is not always the right thing to just walk away other than make an attempt to sort the problems out, but this attempt has to come from both parties, and not just one.

I am currently in a similar situation, where my wife (who is still with me) has gone into a depression and a large part of this depression is being blamed on me. This, according to her, is due to a verbal abuse from my side in which I have "eaten" at here for the last decade of marraige. I have never abused her physically. I have never abused her sexually. I have never threatened her with a gun or any form of violence. As far as I am concerned, I have not even abused her verbally (or so I think). The way I act, is the same way I acted when I 20, 15, 10 etc. IT is how I have grown up, and what I have learned from the way my parents have been towards me and treated me - but is this my fault. This is question that only a qualified person can answer.

Please talk to your husband (as the shrink has said) in a place of safety and tell him that although the courting is great and is making you feel special (like you did some time ago) that you have these fears and that it is important for him to go for counselling. He has a problem and it is not a shame to admit that he has a problems. Whether this problem stems from his childhood, while growing up, an insecurity of sorts or whatever, he needs to sort it out. Woman and wives are supposed to feel special all the time and reciprocate with those feelings to their husbands.

I know that in my situation, I am wrong, and have admitted to it and agreed that I will go and see someone, even though I can't fully understand why it has affected her. Afterall, I grew up with that kind of "way", why can;t she handle it. I have also told my wife that it is important for her to tell me when I am verbally abusing her, so that I can take cognisance of my wrong doing's and learn from that.

Don't just give up on a marraige with children. If there were no children, hey no problem, but there is so much of that happening in today's times, that the only people who are affected are our children. This does not mean you must stay in an unhappy or fearfull marraige, but you must have the right and not be fearfull when excercising that right, to demand your own happiness, by way of talking to your man, without the fear of any form of retribution. Try help him see what he is doing wrong and in so doing that, encourage him to seek counselling.

Good Luck

Reply to Been There

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