Posted by: Kim | 2009/03/30

How do I stop putting my boyfriend down?

My relationship with my boyfriend is almost perfect, we hardly ever fight and he treats me like a princess. The only times when we do fight is because I, for some unknown reason, put him down (or make him look bad) in front of his friends. I often don' t know that I do this and it' s only afterwards when we' re discussing it, that I see how I' ve insulted him. I feel awful about it and want to stop doing it. But how? I tell myself every time before we go out that I wont do it, but somehow a snide comment seems to always escape my lips. He also says that I have become very jealous lately, but I don' t understand why as I have never been a jealous person and what constitutes as interest in his life to me, translates to jealousy to him. Is there anyway to bridge this gap? Or for me not to come across as jealous?

His ex apparently always ran him down to her friends and was an extremely jealous person. Could this be ruining our relationship? Could it be that it might just not be entirely my wrong doing? How do I handle this?

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Our expert says:
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Couples counselling, and maybe some individual sessions form you, to help you recognize how and when you do this, so as to stop before you've belittled him. You can learn to curb your snide comments --- and how can what you choose to say, "not be entirely my wrong-doing" ? Is someone else writing your scripts ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: jcat | 2009/03/30

- agree with anon. And understand what you meant when you were saying that maybe it isn' t always what you have said, but also how he interprets it based on his past relationship.
But yes, if you can go for counselling together so that you start being able to stop the negative stuff and so that he can help by understanding that it might be based on your insecurity rather than his wrongdoing....

Reply to jcat
Posted by: anon | 2009/03/30


I think the others were a little harsh here - I do the same things to my man sometimes and the other day he asked me why I am always so mean to him.

That was when I realised how much I hurt him. I looked at myself in the mirror and I thought, you know I am relatively pretty but thats not why he loves me and thats not why he is staying with me and its certainly isnt going to last - I am going to age and get wrinkles and put on weight.

This man loves me when I am unlovable, he supports me, and he has never ever said anything about my weight (I am a little chubby) and he has never commented on my skin (I get breakouts every now and then and he has always had perfect skin) and yet I am nasty to him sometimes.

I sat down and thought about why I was doing it and I realised that there were a few things I was angry and resentful about and instead of talking about them, I would lash out and make a stupid comment.

I am jealous of the relationship he has with his dad because mine left when I was only 3. So when he wants to watch rugby with him instead of watching it in the flat with me I am angry. Thats not his fault - its my issue.

I am resentful that we live in a granny flat on his parents property. We do this because he works from home and runs his factory out of their garage - we dont have enough money to have our own place and rent factory space or rent a house with a garage to do this. So I feel trapped.

There are a few more, but I realised that they are all my issues. Think carefully about why you put him down - you will be suprised at what you come up with.

I have spoken to him about them and I feel better and so does he because I have stopped making the coments now and I tell him I am frustrated about whatever it is that is upsetting me instead of attacking him personally.

Try it kim, it could save your relationship - good luck

Reply to anon
Posted by: candy | 2009/03/30

try putting yourself i his shoes sometimes.
you are lucky to have somebody who treats you well.ajust remember that we all have limits. if you carry on with this bad treatment he will find somebody who will treat him with all the love and respect that you cant.

Reply to candy
Posted by: Kelly | 2009/03/30

Yah.. You are evil.
Poor guy, how can you do that to him!
You don' t do that to someone you love and you are in control what the things you do and say.

Reply to Kelly
Posted by: faceit | 2009/03/30

your evil :(

Reply to faceit

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