Posted by: Peny | 2006/03/31

how do I move on??

There are days where I feel very low. Thinking about my husbands infidelity that happened last year around february and ended in Oct.
I still ask myself why he did such a thing to me. It was the worst period in my life ever. I got so hurt.
I'm trying to move on and forget about it but I can't. He's trying very hard to move on but sometimes it's just too much for me.
I feel I've lost the man I married, I now have someone I know can be heartless and selfish.
I don't trust him.The worst is he doesn't want to go for marriage counseling.
It's really hard for me, I'm unemployed and sometimes spend the whole day with tears flowing from my eyes.
I've been to indivial therapy which helped me a lot.
How do I put the affair behind and move on.

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Our expert says:
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Sounds, to some degree, like an anniversary reaction ; we can to a remarkable extent, sag in mood on the anniversaries orf especially unpleasant events. But try not to expend too much energy chasing sterile questions. Why did he do it ? Probably unanswerable, even to him. It wasn't your fault. Working with a counsellor could help you to work through these issues and set yourself free from these aspects of the past, making you more ready to move forwards. If you are sure you two should continue as a pair, then he ought to join you in marriage counselling. If he doesn't want to do that, in part to make up for the needless hurt he caused you, then that counts strongly against ideas of continuing a relationship with someone so uncaring. Then he's not genuinelyy trying to kove on or to make it up to you. But then individual counselling for you yourself would still pay dividends.

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Our users say:
Posted by: GH | 2006/03/31

You are grieving for the marriage you had/wanted. Your question how do you move on? Well begin by working on yourself. You must do things for yourself that make you feel stronger, confident, etc. You mention you are unemployed. Don't know how old you are but try and update your skills, sign up for a short course in something, that will improve your self image and self esteem which in turn will give you confidence. Then visit an employment agency will your CV. You will not be moping and crying around the house as you will have a reason to wake up in the morning and the reward will be being employed and earning a salary, having your own money. You will be empowering yourself. In a calm manner try and communicate your feelings with your husband. If he really loves you and respects you, he will do anything to try and save the marriage and repair the wrongs. You cannot change him only yourself and your actions will speak louder than words. Its hard to see light at the end of the tunnel right now, but little baby steps along the way, believe me, focus on yourself right now, you are the most important person here. Surround yourself with supportive people who can uplift you. Don't blame yourself for being abused and mistreated. Wishing you well.

Reply to GH
Posted by: lady nina | 2006/03/31

hi peny

crying is not going to help you at all

he treated you like S&&^^ but he stopped and is now trying to make up, however you are still treating yourself like s&*(&^ everyday by not taking care of yourself
so who is doing you the most damage - you are your own worse enemy... stop feeling like a failure and acting the victim
sure you got hurt but now is the time to heal and that not going to happen if you keep on holding on to the pain

let go and lift up your head, start being good to yourself again, find a hobby or anything that will make you feel good

sure you can't trust again but you can trust in your own ability to get up and get better and not let anything get you down, have faith in yourself

come on girl, if all of us who had a raw deal would cry all day and eel sorry for ourselve, nothing will get done in this world, the world need you but not the cry baby, they need someone who allows the pain of live to turn her into a stronger and beter person

he hurt you yes but you are doing yourself much more damage than what he every could

take care


Reply to lady nina
Posted by: Clueless. | 2006/03/31

Well, if you don't put it behind you, it may very well result in a broken mariage. Learning to trust again is very hard. Specially someone who was supposed to give you stability and security. You feel alone even when he's there. If it could happen once though ... I know these are horid times for you and share your frustations and fears. How? Seems only mariage counseling will work, and if he really wants to work on the mariage, he will. Otherwise he's basically saying screw you. He doesn't want to work things out and that's a crying shame.

Reply to Clueless.

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