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Question
Posted by: Concerned Husband | 2007/04/11

How do I get my wife to trust me again?

My wife used to financially support me and my business, when I was at the lowest point of my life. The thing is I used her money irresponsibly, making wrongf choices etc.

She borrowed up to R70,000 from the bank, to support my carreer and I used the money to buy a car to show off to my friends who used to tease me about me not having anything etc. I told my wife that I need the money to buy stock for my business etc and I assured her I ll pay the money to the bank monthly, which I today cant afford to pay, but she does.

She really did not want to borrow money, as she felt she cant afford to pay back the bank as I default, but I REALLY ASSURED HER, all over and over that I ll pay monthlyinstalments.

Now here am I , my business is finished, I have a car that she pays and I m not working. Now she dont trust me anymore. She tells me she ll only take care of the kids not me. She dont give me money, and dont treat me well.

I asked her to give me another chance, and trust me again but she cant. Every time I see her going to work , and her taking care of everything in the house I feel like crying. I feel useless.

I only see this now, but before I never used to care about taking care of the family. I know I was selfish

Sometimes I think she dont loves me anymore, as she is rude to me etc

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

As you seem to realize, you acted stupidly and cruelly towards her, and you don;'t deserve to be trusted by her. Get work --- even if it's stocking shelves at a supermarket, whatever, to earn at least SOME moeny to start paying her back --- apologise in your deeds, not so much in words, which seem to come cheaply to you. Don't expect her to trust you again unless and until you can prove yourself trustworthy by what you do in the coming yeasrs. BE trustworthy, rather than asking her to assume that you are. YOu don't need to be useless --- take over as many as possibl of the chores and work round the house, and be energetic about looking for any sort of work --- once you're in work it's easier to upgrade to better work than if you try to start with bigger jobs from no work at all.
And as others point out, now you know that your "friends" were not friends. Wait to find genuine friends.
Get a JOB first --- you've shown that you had little talent at starting your own business ; get a job where you can learn more about how businesses work, and earn moeny from the start, rather than expecting ohers to lend you ntheir hard=-earned money on a shaky scheme.
What genuine skills do you have ? Can you work as an odd-job man, doing repairs, etc ?
And don't over-dramatize it all --- you know that killing yourself wouldn't solve anyone's problems. DOn't try to impress ANYBODY --- look what happened the last time you tried that. Don't aim too high at the start, but work your way back up the ladder again.

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Our users say:
Posted by: RMC | 2007/04/12

seeesh, what did you expect - that she would say "that's all right" and jsut go on with life as normal. You have probably also made her name g*t as far as getting credit goes. Go get yourself a job - even if it is security or packing groceries. Only way she might ever trust you again is if you prove it to her. Give her your salary each month as well - perhaps then she will belive you are committed.

Reply to RMC
Posted by: jenny | 2007/04/12

Don't pay attention to the nasty comments posted here - just stay positive and begin to get your life in order - it is entirely possible. Jeez you have'nt committed a crime - just made a few mistakes which you want to rectify - money can be paid back even if it takes a while. Your wife will be willing to forgive you when she sees you taking control of the situation and trying your best to correct matters. By the way - you are a couple and I think that the main thing here is that you are in a position again to take over the repayments of the loan which your wife took. Paying her back for what she's paid should'nt even come into it at this stage. Maybe when you're in a position to do so - and only then - compensate in some way for the time that she had to burden the loan out of her salary. Your a family and there will always be good times and bad times. How about you think about the goal at the end and maybe one day you'll be in the position to help her - be it financial or otherwise - the day will come you know.

Reply to jenny
Posted by: PINKIE | 2007/04/12

YOU ARE USELESS YOU IDIOT IF YOU FEEL BAD WHEN YOU SEE HER GOING TO WORK WHY DNT YOU GET YOUR STINKING ASS A JOB I HOPE SHE THROWS OUT OF THE HOUSE

Reply to PINKIE
Posted by: Curious Husband | 2007/04/12

Thanx everyone for your comments,especially Jenny.

I know I ll make my family proud one day, I know I ll get there! After I read some few encouragements, I had a visit from my sister.Had a chat with her, and looks like she ll help me look for something in her company as they are looking for drivers. Who knows! I m feeling proud that I did something good for myself for the first time ie Opening up for help and I m holding my thubs

Thanx a lot

Reply to Curious Husband
Posted by: jenny | 2007/04/12

Some harsh comments being received here. Ok so, we all make mistakes - thats life, but if a person is serious about rectifying matters then its a step in the right direction. It might take time, but I'm pretty sure you've learnt your lesson and obviously regret your actions in the past. Financial problems are so destroying for a relationship, and the saying "when poverty comes through the door, love flys out the window" is a true one. Finding employment is the first hurdle to accomplish so that you can contribute to the expenses - keep it legal and don't get into anything you'll regret. I know when we ran into financial difficulties myself and my husband also lost affection for each other - it happens, but when you can see the light financially - feelings start to come back so it is possible to rectify your relationship. Forget about impressing your friends ever - the important thing is you, your wife and your kids - much better to impress them with your contribution to the family. Good luck - take it step by step

Reply to jenny
Posted by: More debt | 2007/04/12

You'll kill yourself and she'll have to find money from who knows where to bury your sorry ass! IDIOT!

Reply to More debt
Posted by: Minki | 2007/04/11

Stop wallowing in self-pity and find yourself a job - you brought this on yourself. Don't worry about money for cosmetics dammit, worry about more important things. If one flies too high too fast, one is likely to fall very hard. I cannot say I feel sorry for you 'cos I don't - it's your wife I feel sorry for her - imagine the burden she is carrying at the moment - don't talk about killing yourself - it's the coward's way out!! My brother in law shot himself last year and all he left behind was heartache, misery and shit that my sister had to sort out! Stop your "Jannie Jammerbal" behaviour, pull yourself together, admit to yourself that you are a selfish arsehole and find a job so that you can help your wife - sometimes one has to be cruel to be kind - get on with it now!! And stop trying to impress others!!

Reply to Minki
Posted by: Echelle | 2007/04/11

No man, don't be stupid, that will be even more selfish!!

Reply to Echelle
Posted by: Delene | 2007/04/11

hmm, the question is if you would kill yourself...would she miss you?

listen, if you want to make a change for the better, stop feeling sorry for yourself. Stop being the victom, you are not.
And dont try to make her feel guilty for what she is feeling - she has enough to cope with. (i.e forgiveness)
Look after yourself, and then only you will be able to look after your family.

And the last thing she would want to hear is another business thing. Its not about you. Everything is not about you

And if you want to get into something bad - go ahead, but dont drag people who you claim to love in the middle of it.

she is only probably asking you to get an honest job - the way all people do.
You can post here - So post your Cv - email etc.
Stop with the ongoing excuses & come up with at least one solution by yourself!


Reply to Delene
Posted by: Concerned Husband | 2007/04/11

I know I messed up big time, I do take responsibility for my actions!! I ve asked for Forgiveness , and sometimes she ll tell me she forgives me, but when money pressure comes on her ie paying bills, maintainance for kids and food she ll remind me of what I did, and what I ve put her through and sometimes she'll cry

I m trying to stand up on my feet again, but I need money for every move I take. i.e Transport costs to look for a job, buy myself cosmetics , and I have a good business prposalI want to start that dont need much capital, She won't even listen to the idea.

I dont know what to do. I thought about hooking up with someone who offered me to sell something illegal in return for money, and I refused. I m so scared of going to jail, and hurting my family again.

But what do I do?. I do cook, clean...and she ll be happy for few days then it starts again.

I know she has too much on her plate ie debts, kids , me etc but what to do? Should I KILL MYSELF TO PROVE TO HER HOW SORRY I AM?

Reply to Concerned Husband
Posted by: g | 2007/04/11

I agree 100% with A WOMAN!!

Reply to g
Posted by: Delene | 2007/04/11

What do you have to offer her that she can't live without?
Can you name anything?

If you want her to stay with you, you gotta have something to offer her - and im not talking about money.
give her a reason. and please, not words........nothing more annoyiing that to listen to words that she most probably have heard all before....she wont trsut anything you say - only what you do.

Reply to Delene
Posted by: !! | 2007/04/11

You are bad!!!!!
Childish and stupid......
sorry, no sympathy from me..... !!

Reply to !!
Posted by: A Woman | 2007/04/11

No one is in any position to judge you or your wife. We all make decisions that affect us either in a good or bad way therefore we are here. Your wife loves you, and believe me if my husband did that to me I would find it hard to trust him as well.
All along you've known what kind of decisions you were making and still you went ahead... "you made your bed and so you must lie in it". Give your wife a reason to trust you again. Get out there and find a job. Search the web career junction, pnet etc. Do something that will show her how desperately you want her trust and her love. Nothing is for free in this life mate. You have to take the good with the bad (You felt good showing off - you felt like a man again - now you have to accept the bad) Ask yourself where are your friends now that you are in this predicament? Have they shown any support for you or do their lives still carry-on as normal and you are left out in the cold? You've gone from bad to worse now they have a reason to mock you. Your wife is a strong woman to have stuck around for so long. Alot of other people would have "kicked you to the curve" by now.
Marriage is about standing 100% with your partner. Your wife has done that so far for you... how about you do something for her.

Reply to A Woman
Posted by: Echelle | 2007/04/11

She still loves you, but she's hurt inside! What you can start with doing, is to cook for them when they get home, help her with chores and that sort of things.

And who cares what friends say, they don't really sound like the kind of friends I would like to have!

Reply to Echelle
Posted by: Good | 2007/04/11

Well you kinda deserve it mr Concerned Husband! She should treat you as badly as she possibly can and you should feel useless as you are!

Reply to Good

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