Posted by: Lesedi | 2013/01/08

How do i end this nightmare marriage

I had been in a marriage for about full two years but it feels like 200 years. The problems i have with my husband occurs different daily, i came to a point where i realise that its either our marriage will never work and it must end. We had so many fights, differences and mistrusts. He has lots of friends that he spends time with out of home with them, he will always accuse me of cheating, he will never assist me with any tasks in the house. I must be home on time where as he is roaming the streets with friends at times arriving 03h00 in the morning (i once wrote about it here). He never compliments me, my hair, clothes, food or just to say thank you. Things must always be for him and he must be appreciated. He is very selfish and he is a pathetic liar. We separated last year August and reconsiled around November after long family meetings and he said he will go for counselling he stopped after we reconsiled. He promised to change to be a better husband. Now when i complain about his friends he says i make his life difficult, when i complain he says if i have plans to leave him i must just go. I dumped my friends and social clubs to save my marriage and no luck. He is a physchopath and can threaten of killing me at times, that why i fear to say its over. I am just wondering if there is a perfect marriage or is all marriages like this i just need to be strong. Inside i am dying daily and i pretend to be okay outwards. I just wanna go with my child and leave in peace, please help how to. His family told me they can see he will never change, my fear is we married in community of property and i might lose some of my pension money to him, he is also employed and i earn more than him. I have a child and he has one as well, we dont have a child together.

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Our expert says:
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Sounds like a lazy, irresponsible and selfish guy and a lousy husband. Is it worthwhile to raise with the family that intervened that he dropped out of the counselling and went back to his bad old habits ? His threats sound illegal and potentially dangrous. GEt advice from groups like POWA that help abused women find safer ways to leave such a brute.
Fortunately, all marriage are absolutely not like this, and there's no excuse for his selfishness and cruelty.
And consult a good lawyer ; whatever the law says about community of property, in a divorce on grounds of his cruelty, neglect and threats, a court might not agree that he should be rewarded. That goodness you don't have a child with him.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Lesedi | 2013/01/10

Thank you for the advice, i will do that. At the same time I will need be safe. He has this obsession with me cause he uses me a his way of survival. I can''t take this anymore. I have to get support, and counselling for my child and we both need to be safe.

Reply to Lesedi
Posted by: Dee | 2013/01/10

You have only been married two years, so please leave. You also don''t have a child together, so this is a great advantage. It''s better to lose out on the money and start fresh. And you only have one child, If you had more one, I would understand your hesitancy in leaving him and losing out on money.

You are working and you earn more than him, so make a choice to start fresh, leave all this unhappiness and misery behind you. He is bringing you down. You will always be depressed, lonely and miserable with him, and very neglected.

Does your child stay with you? You and your child can find a flat or even a garden cottage to rent out, if finances are a problem. Once you are doing well again, you can make changes. Leaving may necessitate some lifestyle changes.

Reply to Dee
Posted by: Liza | 2013/01/09

Rather lose out on some of your pension money than lose the rest of your self-respect and self-esteem. Also - the sooner you divorce him, the less he''ll be able to claim!

You''re right - you do need to be strong. Strong enough to leave him behind and make a happy life for yourself. To stay with an abusive husband is not strength. It''s weakness. It''s about letting others take control of your life when you should take control yourself.

You''re also very lucky that you haven''t had a child with this man-child yet. No strings to further complicate your life once you leave...

Good Luck,

Reply to Liza

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