Our expert says:
Strange, isnt it, how the victims of abusers always feel sure that the abuser will change ? They NEVER succeed in changing properly without engaging seriously in proper therapy with a specialist shrink. I;m not clear how you having a protection order forbidding him from approaching you, would interfere in any way with him getting a job, except perhaps in the same company you work in.
But what on earth business is it of his, what friends you have or who else you sleep with. Isn't he supposed to be your Ex ? Do all your other "friends" insist on controlling these details of your life ?
STOP giving him another chance --- it never helps either the abuser or his victims. Don't you dare feel sorry for him --- and why on earth let him be your bf just because he's so unpleasant that nobody else wants that gruesome role ?
Moat abusrs say they love you, but they don't act consistently lovingly. It will NOT destroy him for you to say NO and to do what is good for you rather than so pathetically struggling to make him happy. It is HIS task in life to make himself happy, without involving you in the process. If he choses to "throw away his life" that's his choice, and not your task to prevent. If nobody else likes him, that's his faulty, and if you stopped rescuing him, he might face that fact and stop being so unpleasant to people. he is NOT down, and you would NOT be "kicking him" by simply looking after yourself rather than perverting your life to always do what pleases him. And your having had a sustaining relationship with a kind man was not a "fault" it was a brief episode of good sense !
You have not ben helping him to stop being an abuser --- you have been helping him to continue as an abuser. Don't meet with him, and DO call POWA for advice from one of their customers about how to preserve your safety, now and in Durban.
YOu are in a most unwholesome co-dependent relationship with an abuser --- this has nothing to do with love.
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