Posted by: Helpless | 2005/12/12

How do i do this without kicking a man when he is down?

Hi Everyone,

I have a major problem, my boyfriend used to hit me we were going for 6 years and i always thought he'd change, it never happened and when his family got involved it got worse, we had some really good times and went overseas twice together. I know he tries but for me it was not hard enough eventually 2 months ago i built up the guts to leave, i made a friend in September and he helped me through the break up alot. As for my ex boyfriend he had no-one. After all the beatings and ill treatment i have totally fallen out of love with him. I had gotten a protection which i had cancelled because it was ruining his chances of getting a job, i did not want to destroy his life i just wanted out.. I still do. Since then he said we should be friends which i agreed to, then he found out that i slept with someone else, he said he is will ing to forget that if i gave him another chance. So we decided to be boyfriend and girlfriend not because i love him but because nobody cared for him and everyone dropped him. I dont feel it is fair to string him along i dont love him at all and he loves enough to want to die for me, he tries so hard but it does not impress me at all. I have decided to go back to Durban, end of January and live with my parents because i need to focus on me and not on making everyone else happy, and he insists that i come and stay at the house we bought together and it will mean alot to him, especially help him with the fact that i will be living in Durban. I dont love him, how can i tell him this without destroying him. No one cares for him and i dont want him to throw away his life because i dont love him, he will find someone else i am just not that person for him. How do i do this without kicking a man when he is down? I also know that my relationship with the other guy will be a constant topic whenever we have problems in future i dont want my faults thrown into face everytime we have a problem. Tell me how i can do this and do it right???

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Strange, isnt it, how the victims of abusers always feel sure that the abuser will change ? They NEVER succeed in changing properly without engaging seriously in proper therapy with a specialist shrink. I;m not clear how you having a protection order forbidding him from approaching you, would interfere in any way with him getting a job, except perhaps in the same company you work in.
But what on earth business is it of his, what friends you have or who else you sleep with. Isn't he supposed to be your Ex ? Do all your other "friends" insist on controlling these details of your life ?
STOP giving him another chance --- it never helps either the abuser or his victims. Don't you dare feel sorry for him --- and why on earth let him be your bf just because he's so unpleasant that nobody else wants that gruesome role ?
Moat abusrs say they love you, but they don't act consistently lovingly. It will NOT destroy him for you to say NO and to do what is good for you rather than so pathetically struggling to make him happy. It is HIS task in life to make himself happy, without involving you in the process. If he choses to "throw away his life" that's his choice, and not your task to prevent. If nobody else likes him, that's his faulty, and if you stopped rescuing him, he might face that fact and stop being so unpleasant to people. he is NOT down, and you would NOT be "kicking him" by simply looking after yourself rather than perverting your life to always do what pleases him. And your having had a sustaining relationship with a kind man was not a "fault" it was a brief episode of good sense !
You have not ben helping him to stop being an abuser --- you have been helping him to continue as an abuser. Don't meet with him, and DO call POWA for advice from one of their customers about how to preserve your safety, now and in Durban.
YOu are in a most unwholesome co-dependent relationship with an abuser --- this has nothing to do with love.

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Our users say:
Posted by: nkosinati | 2005/12/12

Helpless, wena kanti ufuna ni? what do you want?

Do you want to continue playing caring or do you want to love him?

What I sense is also probably that you are still in love with him BUT you are angry due to the physical abuse you suffered. And if that is the case, then why not try what CS would refer to as CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy)?

Either way you will need it to get over the abuse.

And surely he will need therapy too.

So, why dont you do couple's and individual therapy. At couple's you can have a safe space to both express and explore your feelings including what you just said about him now.

Reply to nkosinati
Posted by: figured it out | 2005/12/12

It cant do any harm. Deubel is right in many respects, but there is no reason why you cant be nice from your side if its not going to cost you anything and will give you peace of mind.

So do it, but keep strong, and maintain your disposition. If you feel there is a chance of you being swayed by his side to life, then dont do it, because you could end up going against your better judgement.

Reply to figured it out
Posted by: Helpless | 2005/12/12

I have told him that i dont love him but he wants to meet me. Is that a good idea, i know he is human and he needs to resolve it to move on, do you think it is good idea to meet him?

Reply to Helpless
Posted by: Deubel | 2005/12/12

You don't owe him anything. Not only has he abused you physically, he is also doing it emotionally. What happens to him after you walk out of this abusive relationship is entirely up to himself.

You are not kicking him when he is down by just walking away, which is in YOUR best interest. It is also not an good idea to stay friends with this guy, He is already trying to manipulate you.

Make a clean break and let him sort out his own problems which he brought onto himself. You deserve BETTER.

Reply to Deubel
Posted by: figured it out | 2005/12/12

By not getting out, you are also delaying his process of rebuilding his life, and of course he is living under a false sense of security with you.

So you hav ot leave him, to give him a chance, and yourself a chance, even though you know its going to hurt him.

How do you do? You explain the truth to him, that you love him but are not in love with him. You care about him, want the best for him, but too much water has passed under thebridge, and what has been lost cannt be regained. Its a lousy lesson for him, buthopefully this will pave the way for him to get his life sorted, through counselling if need be, and build a new future with a new woman without any of the baggage from the past.

Basically he needs to understand your caring and love, but what you are doing is best for both of you in the long term. be totally honest with him, people can deal with truth, its lies and deception we cannot make sense of and deal with.

Reply to figured it out
Posted by: Jakes | 2005/12/12

You seem to be a very caring person - but u must start looking out for yourself.

I do not have any sympathy for a man who hits his woman especially if it is repeated. He goes for therapy and u go your own way. You do NOT have any responsibility for him.

Reply to Jakes
Posted by: Jillybean | 2005/12/12

Hey Helpless,
There is no easy way to do this... best is just to do it and get it overwith. Because the longer you wait the bigger issue it will become and the harder it will be for you. I think it's time that you start thinking about yourself. He is probably partly to blame for not having anybody who cares for him. Nobody deserves unappiness, and it sounds like you are a very caring person putting your abusive bf before yourself. It won't be fair to be friends with him if you decide to leave him, he will never accept that you are only friends and he will always have hope. Know the saying "Friends can be lovers - but lovers can't be friends"? I hope everything goes well. Good luck!! :-)

Reply to Jillybean

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