Posted by: Girlfriend | 2007/04/23

how do I do these????

Hi CS,

My boyfriend is a free lancer and he's been involved in a car accident recently and by the looks of it he won't be able to work anytime soon. I have been supportive of him, I have moved in with him to take care of him and give him moral support. I basically support him financially you know - food, rent, clothing etc etc. Now my problem is that he has financial obligations eg. He saves an X amount of money on a monthly basis with a certain group and he's unable to do so currently and has asked me to carry on with his savings and I agreed and now I have second thoughts about this whole matter! Our relationship is only 5 months old and as much as I love him - i don't think it's safe for me to do so unless if there's a legal way of doing this - what guarantee do I have that I will get my money back? and another problem is that I have an expensive taste when it comes to personal belongings eg: perfumes and clothing! I have something like 5 bottles of perfumes that I have bought for myself and I bought him 1 expensive perfume and I somehow feel as though he wants to compare himself with me at my expense! Whenever I buy myself something it's like I am expected to buy him something too - I have recently bought him jersey's each worth R700 (I am not exaggerating) I am being as honest as possible about this! and I feel that I am doing way above what other women would do for their "unemployed companions"... and he still demands more and more!!! (money for this, money for that)

CS, sometimes I feel as though I am selfish but how do I handle this! and what upsets me the most is that he will sit up and watch tv until the mid-morning hours forgetting that I have to wake up in the morning and to put the cherry on top I am EXPECTED to massage him every night - I AM TIRED REALLY I AM!!! His entire body!!! and some of the "practices" are against my religion and I must participate for his sake!!!! I just want to cry now!!

I love my boyfriend and I want to be there for him but I don't know how to handle all of this!!! Is there a way??????? Pls help - I know that moving back to my place is unacceptable but what options do I have??

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Our expert says:
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Sounds like when it gets to paying into his savings, you're going rather far for such a new relationship --- already you're being raely kind and helpful. Surely he can talk with whatever this savings arrangement is, and explain what has happened regarding the accident, and make a plan that avoids the need for payments right now ? You're right, you have no certainty of getting any of your money back. And its sheer rubbish that he insists on expensive perfumes --- if he's too sick to work, he's too sick to wear perfumes, nor does he need ANY new clothes, let alone expensive ones, and he shouldn't indulge in other expensive tastes he can't afford.
Just remind him calmly that ANYTHING he demands is something he absolutely can't have. and that you are already being enormously generous, owe him nothing, and can't spoil him in this greedy way.
Youi're being too generous, and not selfish at all. And the masage and "pother pratices" ? HE IS USING YOU AND EXPLOITING YOU. And from the sound of it he is probably exaggerating his disability --- why on earth would he want to get better and return to work, with a live-in lover, slave and masseur who buys him expensive gifts ?
Moving back to your place is NOT unacceptable. Tell him you need to speak to his doctor about just how handicapped he actually is, and as soon as he can fend for himself you ARE moving back ; and NO more presents or needless luxuries. And the massage etc stops now. If he has the energy and strength for other practices, he can manage to work, as well. Stop feeling sorry for him and look after and protect yourself.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Girlfriend | 2007/04/23

He is busy with the paper work - concerning 3rd party - and he is talking about some perfume that some doctor was wearing - that's for when he gets his money!!! Sometimes he irritates me and I just lash out at him and then feel bad about it!

Reply to Girlfriend
Posted by: Shae | 2007/04/23

did he not get any money from the road accident fund? If the accident was not caused by him he should have received funds for damages (including loss of income).

Reply to Shae
Posted by: rose | 2007/04/23

isnt this why we have savings?

Reply to rose
Posted by: Girlfriend | 2007/04/23

thank you all, now I feel better - can you believe that he went to the extent of telling his parents that I will be paying for his savings in advance? I am tired of all this but I will politely say no to things that I don't want to do or participate in!

Reply to Girlfriend
Posted by: rose | 2007/04/23

cs said it all, sometimes im too scared being THAT honest :).
everything he said is true, please listen to him. i wasnt implying youre buying him, more that HE seems very comfortable with the situation..

pleasetake care of yourself, nothing you are saying about him seems quite right dear.

Reply to rose
Posted by: RMC | 2007/04/23

Most of these saving places allow you to take a payment holiday for circumstances such as these

But he sounds like a whiner?

Reply to RMC
Posted by: girlfriend | 2007/04/23

Hi Rose, I am definitely not buying his love - I mean come to think of it, he has nothing to offer me except for "love". I buy him stuff when I buy myself only because I feel sorry for him or rather I don't know what to do for him to make him feel better. The relationship was never based on materialistic things from the beginning - rest assured! He can't do anything for himself currently "financially" that is - that is why I feel as though I am responsible for his well being! I have wondered several times that had it been me - would he do the same! I am a good person by nature and I hope that I am not being taken for a ride here! All this happened too soon - but hey talk about unforseen circumstances! I feel as though I got a raw deal here

Reply to girlfriend
Posted by: rose | 2007/04/23


dont think it's unacceptable to move back...
he cant take advantage of you like this, although his situation is very unfortunate. 5mths - a bit short for you to feel secure in this situation. maybe someone here has better 'legal' advise.

ps. hopefully you are also putting some money away to support your expensive habits/tates in rough times?

pps. you dont have to 'participate for his sake' if you feel it is against your religion. seems like you are just easily allowing him to manipulate you. respect? mutual religious beliefs?

girlfriend, to love someone doent mean you have to go this far in such a young relationship, do you think he will be so enthusiastic about you if you had to stop giving materially? how old are you?

im sure there's people out here who could warn you about loosing a lot after a relationship like this.

im not sure what else to say, but i just feel he is expecting far to much. perhaps you have your reasons for 'giving things' due to experience/past, but you have to differentiate between giving love and giving things and receivng both.

im also not sure, maybe he's so used to it that by now he doesnt even consider that he might be asking too much. do you know for a fact that he will still love you without your money? what if YOU had to loose your job/business/income now?

Reply to rose

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