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Question
Posted by: minime | 2004/10/14

how do i break free

Hi
i am 27 and have been married for 5years now. my husband is a wondefull guy most of the time but when it comes to talking about things that matteres most to me i freeze and then suffer from a sortage of words to express myself and more time than not i end up in a situation that i hate and i feel that i let myself into it. generally i am very free when it comes to expressing how i feel, my likes and dislikes but when i am around him i tend to hate myself for not standing up for myself.
somehow i think that he play on my emotions to avoid owing up to things and then i end up being the one how feel bad about a situation when i really feel as if i was not wrong.
we bought a house last year and on the same day we moved in he brought his parents to move in with us. ones he mentioned that he wanted his mother to live with us but she is still married and his father is working so i could not see the need why she has to be our responsibility. i agreed that they could live with us one day provided that we build a seperate flat or somethiing for them because we have a very big stand and we only have one child.
the point is that we never reached an agreement on it and i was not willing to share my house with anyone even if it has four bedrooms.
when i spoke to him about it he start telling me i dont want his parent in my house and that i am free to tell them to get out. i dont mind people visiting us but moving in has become to much for me. as it turns out we are carrying all the responsibility of the household and it is like we work only to make endsmeat.
i asked him to talk to them about contributing but he feels it is his parents and that he connot ask them money for a place to stay. now i have to cook and clean after them.
i work shifts and so does my husband so even when he is at work i have to come home from work and see that people eat and then they dont eat this or that because his father has gaout. things gets abused in the house and my husband dont see anything wrong with it because he buys the food and pay the electricity and water but that money could be used for so many other things that we still need.
beside all these things i just need my space and to enjoy being a wife and a mother in my own house. am i being unreasonable because i hate being in my house and i feel that if it was not for my child i would go anywhere after work than having to go home. can some please give me some advise on how to solve this in a peacefull manner because i feel trapped and i need to got out of this before it breaks me.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Hi minime,
See a counsellor to work in your particular problem with regard to talking about yourself and your emotions.
And get him into marriage counselling. He is being wholym disrespectful of you and of the idea of marriage to a wife. I agree it's nonsense to bring his healthy and emplopyed mom and dad into your house --- how dependent on them is he ? Did he never get round to growing up ?
And while they are living with you, you should have no responsibility whatsoever to feed them --- they have their own income, and if mom isn't working, she has plenty of time to cook, indeed she should be cooking for you and your husband, in appreciation for the free accomodation. You're not being unreasonable, your husband and his parents are.

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Our users say:
Posted by: phumi | 2004/10/14

Hallo lady, wake up here and catch the train, how can your hubby treats u like dirt, he married you not his parents to stay with, i once had that same problem with my hubby but i told him there and there that there's no way i'm staying with your parents. then he understood . now we have place of our own and i own my own house as a wife.

tell your hubby that if he keeps on doing that u'll move or get another place t stay, coz these men like their parents so much that he can't even listen to you when you talk, until a problem comes that's where he'll see that it was wrong stying with tour parents, get you freedom lady an dtalk to him make him understand your situation, if he loves he must understand.

by the way you must cook and do things for your parants in law , no that's not your duty girl, you've been married by him only not them.

ohhhhhh it;s very bad get out of that situation before it getss worse, coz next time your mother in law may tell hubby wrong things that you did to her even ie you did nothing, act now before it's too late

Reply to phumi
Posted by: always b positive! | 2004/10/14

Wow that is a tough one...
I would have cracked by now! Well there is only one thing to do.

Take your husband out on a coffee date or so, just the two of you like a special time thing, otheriwse at home the in-laws can interfere. Mention how much he and your child mean to you and that you have a few things you need to talk about as you are very unhappy. The best way to make a marriage work is for both of you to talk , be honestand to agree on the same things!!!

Dont be scared that you may be sounding selfish as its not, a wife needs her home to blossom. Your mother-in-law need to move out its the only way. She can rent a place for example and come over for meals/babysit ect but that as far as it goes, she too needs to wake up and realise that oyu are still a young married couple that needs there own space to grow!!! Tell him that Shes had her time with the two of you but you are needing space now as a married couple - nothing personal to her!

Really try this as if you dont do something fast you will soon start to resent your husband and that could lead to something bad! Marriage is a precious thing so fight for it no matter what or who comes in the way! DONT GIVE UP- there is always hope...you are just as apart of this marriage as he is!



Reply to always b positive!
Posted by: Breakthesilence | 2004/10/14

Hey speak to your husband about this. He is taking great advantage of your nature. There is no way in hell you can live your life like that you are far too young to be subjected to these kinds of living conditions. You have a right to live the peaceful kind of life that you deserve, more so if you had not consented. Ask him how he would feel if you were to do same to him, i.e bring your parents to stay with you without the two agreeing. The way I see it you have two choices, stand your ground and express yourself, even give him an ultimatum if it calls for that OR stay with your in-laws for the rest of your life! All the best!

Reply to Breakthesilence

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