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Question
Posted by: Carefull | 2003/02/26

How do i

Hi i am a 25 year old male. My question is that i have a girlfriend, but she can just not satisfy my sexual drive. I have spoken to her about this, but her reply was that sex is just not that important for her. I mean, i buy her flowers at least once a week, see to her every need, give her all the love i can, look after her financially, so it cant be that, is this just the way some women are, or do you think i have a problem ? I have never cheated on her even once.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist

If you are hungry and your partner is also hungry, there will be little disagreement over what to eat and how often to eat it. Both having a desire for satisfaction allows comfortable cooperation in the planning, the preparation and the consuming of the meal. Just as two hungry people are both eager to eat, when both partners have similar sexual appetites they are both likely to be eager to make love.

When one partner is hungry but the other is not, the hungry one's invitation to eat may not be enthusiastically accepted. Talking of pizza may fall on deaf ears and presenting a cookbook may not promote a keen interest in eating - or even reading about food. In fact, trying to force food would likely backfire, stirring resentment and avoidance, rather than awakening a desire to eat. Pressure or coercion have never stiired an appetite. In similar fashion, pressure fosters sexual avoidance, not sexual passion.

With a biological hunger for food, we may invite our partner to eat with us and, if he or she is not interested, we might say, "If you are not hungry, I'll just eat alone and satisfy myself." This is reasonable. The one making the statement usually feels OK saying it and the listener is usually OK hearing it. However, when it comes to biological hunger for sex we may not feel so good about saying, "If you are not horny, I'll just play alone and satisfy myself!"
Furthermore, many partners would be appalled that their ravenous mate would even think of such a thing. If you are hungry, it is OK for you to eat alone, but if you are horny, it may not be OK for you to orgasm alone!

The difference between thinking of satisfying an appetite for food and satisfying an appetite for sex is most dramatic when it comes to satisfying the hunger somewhere else. We might say to our partner, "Since you are not hungry, I'll have a meal with my friend." That's usually OK with everyone involved. However, if we say, "Since you are not horny, I'll just go have my climax with my friend!" the reaction will be quite different.

We need to understand sexual desire as a biological hunger, but as an appetite with some very interesting psychosocial limitations and interpersonal implications!!

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: woman | 2003/02/26

Carefull, i am gonna be staright with you. I was in exactly the same situation before i got married and we did alot of talking, she always said it would improve once we where married. Now years later i was almost lead into temptation and my world seems to be crashing. Make it work before you think of getting married !!!!

Reply to woman
Posted by: Carefull | 2003/02/26

Lancelot, youre an a-hole, you know that, if someone gave good advice they are nice, you on the other hand are so full of sh-t you cant even make decent conversation

Reply to Carefull
Posted by: Lancelot | 2003/02/26

I am continually amazed at the tremendous amount of insight and perception the readers of this forum have. From a two line post and/or reply they are able to tell if a person is 'nice' or not.

Some people are even able to determine the personal characteristics and qualities of third parties (i.e. the poster's girlfriend in this case).

Reply to Lancelot
Posted by: Carefull | 2003/02/26

Heita, i wish i had all the answers , you sound so nice and sincere, wanna be friends ?

Reply to Carefull
Posted by: Honest | 2003/02/26

Heita , are you still single, cuase i have friends thats like me, and they ask me all the time where to find, honest loving women.

Reply to Honest
Posted by: Honest | 2003/02/26

You dont find them, they will find you, i promise you they will

Reply to Honest
Posted by: heita | 2003/02/26

Hey sweetie
I am not trying to be harsh r rude but it is clear that this woman is using you - how do you know that she is not busy with someone else here. Sorry love this lady does not deserve you like BOOBS said there are so many women out there that would love and appreciate you allot and also make sure that they keep you happy in ALL aspects of your relationship, it is sad that all the good guys out there always end up being taken, married or family.....damn, where do we good women find men like you???

Reply to heita
Posted by: Male | 2003/02/26

BOOBS you seem like you are in need of a bit of action.

Reply to Male
Posted by: Carefull : | 2003/02/26

Boobs, thanks i love her to much, but i still wish i knew you as a friend. I m in the romantic city of paris at the moment, and i am bringing her over here for a 2 week holiday. But is that a good idea ?

Reply to Carefull :
Posted by: heita | 2003/02/26

If you say that you do all these things and she does not satisfy just your sexual needs - work on it - talk to her and try and work things out, but if you are unhappy in many other aspects of your relationships then I suggest that you start looking for a new life partner you might just be wasting your love, time, money and effort. And sometimes wasted love is a wasted life. Hope this makes sense, you goota learn to bring out the sex animal hiding inside her, trust me we all have it - it's just about releasing it. GOOD LUCK

Reply to heita
Posted by: Carefull | 2003/02/26

No im not trying to buy her, but trying to make her feel special, yes i mean the quantity. I do talk to her about they i feel about sex, but mostly i tell her ( and this is how i really feel) that by sharing this special deed between us, is making me feel closer to her, in so many ways, is this also wrong ?

Reply to Carefull
Posted by: Boobs | 2003/02/26

Dump her and find somebody else like me, because I dont think that she really loves u.

Reply to Boobs
Posted by: Male | 2003/02/26

By trying to "buy" her you are treating her like a hooker, especially if you tell her like you are telling us. Decide whether you want to treat someone well because you care for them or whether you want to "buy" love. If you choose the latter it is probably cheaper to rent hookers.

Reply to Male
Posted by: Simple Mind | 2003/02/26

What do you mean she does not fulfill your sexual drive? Do you mean in terms of quantity? ie. that she doesn't want to have sex as often as you would like? If this is what you mean, then the are two possibilities.. you are still not pushing the right buttons, or what she says is fact. That she is just not interested in sex that much. Everyone has a different libido level. And sometimes there are incompatabilities. There is no magical answer to your question as far as I can see. You need to communicate with you partner though. This is the most important thing. Tell her how important sex is to you as well. Make sure you have a mutual understanding of each other's perspectives on sex so that you can make informed decisions about your future etc.

Reply to Simple Mind

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