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Question
Posted by: Nony | 2007/07/12

How can I be a better mother - pls help

Hallo CS

I have really been looking at what I am doing as a mother lately and I know there is no such thing as a perfect mom- but I really think I need some help.

I have absolutely no patience - My older child must think I am a monster because I am constantly repremanding him about everything or anything, big or small - - in the mornings I struggle to get him to finish for school on time and its things that I know he can do because he has always done it - but for some reason its like he has become "rebelious" and just wont do as I ask of him. I cant help to get impatient with him. All the while I am busy with LO washing bottles, making homemade foods, doing washing ironing and cooking and working full time at a job where I am really not happy anymore (and we also have so much financial trouble at the moment that I dont know which way to turn anymore) so it feels like I am constantly busy and dont have time to really spend some quality time with them. If I do, it always end up with my son misbehaving in a small way and I just loose my patience with him for no reason. If baby wakes up at night or starts crying I want to run away and hide, I just cant handle it anymore. I am feeling so guilty and bad, I have even thought maybe they would be better off without me. (me dissappearing - not them)

I mean I am their mom and I love them more than words can say, why is so difficult for me to be this loving mother to them that I feel inside but cant show. I must tell you that I suffered PND after my 1st born - I have been wondering if this could be a repeat (LO 4 months) and could be a contributing factor to how I act and feel at the moment?

Please help me - Am I a bad mom and person or is there help for me

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Beyond doubt, Nony, you are NOT a bad mother, and NOT a bad person, and there IS help for you.
You are a good woman trying to do far more than any good woman can manage without strain --- working at a fulltime job AND as a fulltime mother. There's surely a good deal of stress which nobodyn would find easy to cope with, and this could very well also be a return of the PND. Irritability, and difficulty in concentrating and coping are very typical aspects of depression, PND or otherwise. Fortunately, this can be sucessfully treated, both with medication and, if available locally, with CBT counselling, and the combination is probably even more successful.
DO get help soon, as there is no need for you or anyone else to suffer in this way without relief.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Another young mother | 2007/07/17

Nony,

I feel for you, i am a single parent with two kids, a 13 yr old and a 9yr old. Also had my 1st at 19 and my 2nd at 23. My 9yr old has mild autism and it does get very stressful working, being a mom and having to deal with life in general.

but try some of these, When you cook, make a little extra and freeze. This will give you at least 15min with your son in the evenings while he has his bath. When your son is ready for bed, spend 10 min reading to him or just sitting on the bed with him. Stroke his head/back and talk to him. All he needs is to see you still have time for him, It is more than likely a case of jelousy, he is not the only "baby" in your life anymore and now he is playing up. Kids feel any attention is better than nothing at all, even if it is "bad" attention...Good luck and remember you are not alone in all this, there is hope for all of us!!!!

Reply to Another young mother
Posted by: Nony | 2007/07/13

Thanx Tess - saw your posting re the PND forum - also think that will be a great help.

I am another young mother - 1st child at 19 and my second now at 24.

Anyway will be going to the dr today to get a reference for a councelor and maybe some meds.

Reply to Nony
Posted by: Tess | 2007/07/12

Hi Nony,

I know it is not easy to try and adjust your rountine....it sounds like your hours are hectic! (and too few)

PND is the best kept secret in the universe, i dont know why though....it is becoming so common and one of the best ways to get over it is to talk about it with other moms in the same situation!

When i had my first child, i was the only one i knew with PND and i struggled with it badly....with my 2nd child, i knew straight away what i had and sorted it out...BUT also with my 2nd child...i have found so many other moms that also has it so it has been easier this time around now that i get to talk about how i feel and to share my experiences!

We all have different reasons why we develop PND, some moms get it becuase of the stress, some because of "past issues that have not been dealt with", i got it becuase i was very young when i had my first child (i was 22)...i have only just turned 27 and have had my second child now....so im still a young mom in todays world!
I was lonely and scared and developed PND....

Anyway, chin up....your kids love you and you will find a way to balance everything out!

Reply to Tess
Posted by: Nony | 2007/07/12

Hi tess

Thanx for the advice - just feels like time is such an issue - I leave home at 7 then only get back at 6 - then I have to cook while my son baths (and hubby looks after LO) - then at 7 or so we eat and at 8 he goes to bed. It just feels that there is not enough time in a day for me.

I am just so sick of my life at the moment - I know what you mean about not keeping up with them - he is also very busy - always up to something or hopping and skipping around somewhere. Its exhausting just looking at him!

I am so glad some moms can admit suffering from PND because apparently its the best kept secret in the history of motherhood!

Thank you for sharing - I should try to adjust my routine in the evening

Reply to Nony
Posted by: Tess | 2007/07/12

HI Nony,

I had PND with my firstborn and my 2nd one too. My second one is now 10 months but i am still on my anti-depressants to help me cope.
Being a mom is not easy to say the least....

Everyone that has kids feels the same as you do. We are all just looking for that coping mechanism.
My first child is 4 years old, and she constantly annoys me! She is like an energizer bunny and i cannot keep up with her.
My 10 month old is now crawling and getting into everything, he touches everything and puts everything he finds in his mouth....

I cant even remember the last time i got to go to the toilet on my own! (i stay at home with the kids...and try to work from home)

Im not depressed anymore (due to the anti-depressants) but i am frustrated on a daily basis. BUT despite all this...i know i am a good mom. I love my kids, i give them the best i can afford, i make sure they are healthy, happy and fed all the time....

My suggestion>> and this works for me but every situation is different.
Give your first child 45 minutes in the evenings....just one on one. Your husband can watch the LO whilst you are with the bigger one. He may not be so demanding of you if you just give him the attention he is wanting.

If you dont have 45 minutes, run a nice bath for the older one and have one on one time(fun) whilst he is bathing.....
Your LO is still young and all he/she needs at this stage is sleep, food and a cuddle....the older one needs more.

Reply to Tess
Posted by: Nony | 2007/07/12

Thanks CS and Apple

I had such a hard time with PND last time and only went to the GP about 6 months after it started and this time I promised myself if it did happen again I would get help immediately - but it just feels like it creeps up on you untill you crack and then you realise something is wrong.

CS - last time I was on Cipramil (I think) low dosage for 6 months - I didnt go for counceling and I always wondered if it was a bad choice not to do counceling aswell. I will do it this time.

Thank you

Reply to Nony
Posted by: Apple | 2007/07/12



sounds like yuo have PND.Get some help. It is natural to feel like this but your doc can advise you on coping. dont do this alone. U are not a bad mum..

Reply to Apple

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