Posted by: Jaded | 2009/03/02

How am I supposed to feel?

Hi CS,

A while back my man started acting a bit strange regarding his cell phone. He would take it everywhere with him &  i do mean everywhere.When I asked him about it, he just said that its what he wanted to do.The alarm bells started ringing &  I went (against my better judgement)& checked his phone. I found that he had subscribed to one of these sites where you can chat online with other women &  there were nude photos for him to see. I was really upset &  i confronted him about it, he said that he was drunk when he did it &  that he would leave the site. I trusted him on this-trust doesnt come easy to me-a few days later he told me he had left the site.To show he could trust me, I didnt go through his phone again. A few days ago I accidentally left my phone in a friends car after getting a lift and asked him if i could use his phone for the alarm as i am the one who gets up first in the morning and he was very hesitant.He then told me he switched it off " incase someone should phone, like his mom"  and again the alarm bells rang because he had spoken to his mother not even 20 mins before this.Eventually he switched the phone on &  again, i found myself going through his phone. I found that he has been visiting porn sites, has subscribed to yet another site where he can chat with women &  view photos &  has set up a profile on Mxit.I have not spoken about it with him, i am much too angry &  hurt.I dont think i could ever be initmate with him again, how would i know that he will be thinking of me and not one of these other women?I have really tried with this relationship-I know I am not perfect but I would never betray his trust to this degree.We have two daughters aged 6 &  2, i am finding it so hard to keep this in? Please tell me what I must do, I feel like I am going to explode.I feel that i would be wasting my time talking to him because he doesnt talk, he just clams up &  says nothing, we have had problems in the past but he doesnt want to go the counselling route.I feel like i am at a dead end,this has shattered me. I would appreciate any advice you may have.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I am seriously considering a ban on questions concerning cell-phones, as they cause so many problems, and I can think of nothing new to say about them.
Why don't cheaters ( and other paranoid people ) realize that being fiercely protective of their cell-phone, is ingerently suspicious and wiol convince most other people that they have something to hide ?
Why do cheaters not delete the incriminating messages, etc, rather than keep them as grisly trophies of bad behaviour ?
Although men's relationship with porn is complex and different from that of women, in general, active involvement in firty and cheating sites inherently says there are problems in relationships, and its the hiding and lying about it that establish that he feels guilty about it, and therefore does NOT have wholesome intentions.
What is his excuse for not wanting you join you in marriage / relationship counselling ? Is he scared of what would emerge, and how bad he might look ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Dineo | 2009/03/02

It is cheating to visit a porn site?

Reply to Dineo
Posted by: IKnewAllAlong | 2009/03/02

theres no trust in your relationships with men, either because of you or because of them. or both maybe?

Reply to IKnewAllAlong
Posted by: Sandi | 2009/03/02

Hey Jaded - check out my post just below - 962.
I think the two of us should get hold of these cellphones, burn them and BAN them from our husband' s lives permanently.
If you can' t use a cellphone for what it' s SUPPOSED to be used for, then you won' t have one, PERIOD.

Reply to Sandi

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