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Question
Posted by: Abby | 2003/03/24

How?

I've always tried to understand how can someone you love watch porn and then after that look you in your eyes as if nothing really happened and tell you that he loves you, I don't understand...to me it feels like he just cheated on me...it's driving me crazy...why do men watch this and then feel disgusted when some woman doesn't appear appropriate in public?

How can men be like this and then even be normal in public, I would feel strange in a way...don't know what's becoming of the social structure.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Dear Abby, Well, let's see what our readers have to say about this one. It seems to me that you may be reading rather more into the act of looking at porn than do most of the people who look at it. Our neighbour's dog chases cars, but he doesn't know how to drive one. Some of what you see as contradictions may be revealing --- when he looks in your eyes and says he loves you, may he not be telling the truth ? He may look at porn, but he doesn't in the least "love" those posing in it --- he probably "loves" the members of his favourite cricket, soccer, or rugby team, more than he loves the anonymous posers ; yet you don't feel he's cheated on you if he gets excited about what happens to his favourite team when he's watching a match.
When he carries on afterwards as if nothing has happened, it may be because, for him, nothing much HAS happened. He might have become very wrapped up in a kung-fu movie he was watching, but would carry on, afterwards, as if nothing had happened --- because indeed nothing had happened, except for a brief period of something he found entertaining.
And, indeed, how anyone finds kung-fu ( martial arts ) movies in the least bit entertaining is a mystery to me ; which may explain why some folks watch them, and I avoid them. I don't understand how people find Rap music entertaining, when it's a boring old-fashioned form that hasn't evolved or changed in some 30 years --- but other people seem to enjoy it greatly.
I understand that when "he" has been watching porn, you feel betrayed --- that is probably a genuine feeling that deserves respect. But the feeling doesn't mean that you were actually betrayed. He probably gave nothing, even in the depths of his heart, to the porn performers, that belonged to you or which you would value or appreciate.
And why shouldn't such men later "even be normal in public" ? Indeed, there are more problems with soccer hooligans and some rugby thugs being unruly after their team has won or lost, than there are problems with post-porn pranks. It's simply not such a big deal for those who choose to watch it ; and when their watching is over, they're no more bothered with it than they are, after an orgasm, with their usual sexual partner ; indeed very much less so, as there is no emotional involvement concerned.
As to what's becoming of the social structure, I see many trends in society and social structures that bother me much more, such as increasing callousness and cruelty to others, less caring, and a very low threshold to crime.
Porn existed and was popular at least in ancient Greece and Rome, and ever since. It's presentation has varied according to the technologies available, so in the days when production of naughty stories required a scribe and a large pile of vellum, it's circulation in that form was limited ; but there was probably far more telling and re-telling of ribald stories. What I'm saying is that it has been around for a very long time, and may not be responsible for the phenomena some of us see as a relative decline in the standards of civilization.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Captured Angel | 2003/03/24

Hey Abby

Well, there you go, you actually know what the problem is. It's not the porn, but the fact that you're afraid of being rejected. It's good to be honest about what the real issue is - many woman hate porn for the fear of not measuring up to the women in the porn movies. So, you're not alone, but just remember that there are many other kinds of "temptations" other than porn, and many other women out there who might be considered as competition. Don't do that to yourself. Accept yourself as you are. Accept your lover for who he is, and enjoy what you share.
Of course if you lover lives for porn and watches it day in day out and it affects your relationship in other ways then you may have every reason to be concerned.
The bottom line is to always be honest about why it is you don't like your partner doing something. Is it out of fear or is it a moral issue for you. It helps with many decisions you'll have to make.

Reply to Captured Angel
Posted by: The Moral Fibre | 2003/03/24

It's just porn, no big deal. Almost everyone I know has watched porn from time to time. some people use it as a type of fore-play although I understand that many women don't like this. My simple answer is - deal with it. If this is his most serious vice, then you got lucky.

Reply to The Moral Fibre
Posted by: Abby | 2003/03/24

All so confusing. Maybe I'm affraid he'll reject me, my BIGGEST fear in life - REJECTION -. Yes, we spoke about it and I gave him permission to watch but told him my likes and dislikes...no strip clubs or so...I rather would let him watch at home...maybe I just need to see it as simple as you do and not as a complex thing. Maybe I'm wrong to be upset, for one - I gave permission and two - he also compremise some things which I do that he dislikes...I love him with all my heart, but don't want anybody to steal him from me...

Reply to Abby
Posted by: Captured Angel | 2003/03/24

It's just a difference of moral standards. A man looking at porn does not see anything wrong with it. (I personally don't either and I'm female) - but the point is that he can look into your eyes and tell you he loves you as though nothing happened because the porn isn't linked to his love for you at all. It is two totally different things and he is quite shocked that you even put the two in the same category.
It's all a matter of how much the two of you are willing to compromise, and whether it's acceptable to impose your own moral standards on each other. The only thing you can do is talk about it to each other and get to understand each other's views as much as possible and then decide from there.
Porn has been around for ages and it always will be. I think far too many women believe that they are supposed to be the one and only source of "horniness" for their partner, but it will never be the case.


Reply to Captured Angel

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