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Question
Posted by: Beyond Tired | 2006/04/04

Homes and all

Hi guys,
Thanks for all the encouragement and the info. Yes, I know he won't change but it just feels so wrong to leave him in the street, he is still the father of my baby. I know I am trying to justify. I know it won't work but the guilt is eating away at me.

CS,
His family no longer wants to help him. He went to a friend the friend gave him food and told him to leave, also telling him to pull himself right and said he would not give him money, because he will buy cigarettes or booze. I believe that is a real friend.
The other "friends" he has don't want to help either. He has burnt all his bridges so to say. He now works on me, making me feel like it is all my fault, he still loves me and promises to change, etc. etc.

I can feel I am starting to falter....... damnit, I wish I could be harder than this. I will loose my own friends if I help him, but if I don't.... he has threatened to kill himself again. What if I give him a roof over his head only, do you think he will worm his way back, even if I am tough and say there is nothing more between us and I will not help him in any other way, or am I being naive?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Hello BT,
The reacions you describe, from his other friends, and family, confirm that your view of him and his problems , is nothing unqiue or idiosyncratic, but one widely shared by others who have tried to understand and care for him. DO NOT FALTER. If it was all your fault --- how did you manage to be so brilliantly malignant as to foul up his relationship with all his family and other friends ? If you're that tyalented, why aren't you a politician ?
Notice the irony in your comment that you feel if you don't give in to him, "he will kill himself again" ? That's up to him, and his choice --- it is NOT a reason for you to sacrifice your happiness and freedom to enable him to return and compound your own problems AND HIS. It would not help him. There's no way you could give him a roof over his head and nothing more --- he would already have wormed his way back in, by then. He does have alternatives, like the Salvation Army and other church groups, for instance, which he is choosing not to explore, because he is confident that he can force you to give in to his wishes.
He is your baby's father by accident of biology, but does not seem to have managed to be any real father in terms of providing, emotionally, financially, or in any other way, for the child. If he thinks it's so easy for you just because you have a job --- then let him get himself a job, and have it easy for him, too.
You are allowing him to have far too much communication with you, allowing him the means to manipulate you further. Cut off that communication. Giving in to him now, giving him a place to stay, will reinforce all of his refusals to take proper care of himself. As Chelle says, it will confirm to him that you will always f\provide for him, is he whines enough and if he becomes violent --- those lessons would be bad for him, and you, if reinforced. He HAS to take responsibility for his own life and choices.

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Our users say:
Posted by: K | 2006/04/04

I have no problem....just no patience for women such as BT who convey the message that women are weak and dependent and needs to have a arsehole around rather than being alone.

Reply to K
Posted by: Karla | 2006/04/04

What is your problem, K?!

Reply to Karla
Posted by: K | 2006/04/04

i agree....she will take him back....and carry on moaning here.

what is it with this type of women? you never get men acting so pathetic and needy

Reply to K
Posted by: Chelle | 2006/04/04

BT, you can do this - what did he do before you were in his life? you didn't create him, he created himself, and his monstrous ways. He says he can find work but can't get there - exactly what did he do about working whilst you were together? He hasn't done anything except sponge off you, and while he does that, he is taking away from your children. Your children are your no. 1 priority - never forget that.

He will find somewhere else - just give it time. Giving him a place to stay will be a big mistake. This time he is going to threaten more and become even more violent. The lesson he has learned is that he needs to be "tougher" on you to break you down even more.

I understand that he is the father of your child, but you know, being a biological dad isn't the be all and end all of everything. Whatever he decideds to do, whether he kills himself or not, it's not your fault, and it's not your responsibility.

Stop thinking about the "if he changes" scenario. IF he changes, you will only know those changes are for real in a couple of years time - even a month without alcohol doesn't mean he has changed. These things take time. And for him to prove he has changed, he needs to find a place for himself, get a job, contribute to his child, regularly, over a period of time, and treat you with the respect you deserve. Only then can you consider the possibility that he has change. Change isn't about words, or a look in his eye that seems like he means it, or his physical demeanor. It is about ACTION!

Right now the only action he is taking, is that of making you feel guilty - don't let him do it. Cut him off for awhile. Don't see him, or talk to him, until you get stronger. Your son isn't going to suffer any ill effects from that.

Be strong okay?

Best wishes

Reply to Chelle
Posted by: Anon | 2006/04/04

Ag, you know what - in a couple of days you will take him back because you are weak - he will beat you up again and again, but this is what you want, so do it! Sorry to sound harsh, but if you think that is what you deserve, then so be it. You are not considering the future life for your children?

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Beyond Tired | 2006/04/04

He said's that it is easy for me, I have a job, etc. He can get work but can't get to it. He hasn't got anything and he makes me feel like it is my fault. I have explained to him that when he does work and makes a bit of money he doesn't give it to the family, he spends it on booze and when it is finished he actually expects me to buy him cigarettes. He said's he never ever saw it that way. I know he has threatened to kill me, I know all this, yet my heart feels hurt, like it is breaking. He is begging like you said he would. He said's he doesn't have anyone else and realises what he has done and is very sorry.
I noticed I have bruises again and these are making me stronger. I am trying real hard.
Thanks

Reply to Beyond Tired
Posted by: Delene | 2006/04/04

This is the hard part.
If you let him back, you will be back where you started..........

he threatened to kill you. Dont ever forget that.

Reply to Delene
Posted by: Carli | 2006/04/04

BT, it is normal to feel guilty, but dont you think he has damaged you enough??? he is a big boy now and what makes you think that you need to "save" him. as far as i understand this, you have been good to him and he has literally kicked you in the teeth? come on now, stop justifying that he is the father of your child? do you want a father like that for your child? stay strong and try your utmost not to let him back into your life - he is bad news!!

Reply to Carli
Posted by: Butterfly | 2006/04/04

I can understand how you feel, it is heart breaking, but he is only manipulating you BT. He needs to find his own feet.

How is he proving any changes if he is a) unemployed b) homeless c) manipulative

He sounds exactly the same to me, he knows which buttons to push to make you crumble. Don't do it, get a court interdict to prevent him from contacti9ng you. You say he is your babies father, be that as it may, what has he done for his child? Can he provide for him in any way - financially, emotionally etc - NO HE CANT.

Please don't let him get to you like this. Give him the jobmail and tell him its not your problem.

He beats you up, drinks, threatens suicide - he is not a good person.

Reply to Butterfly

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