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Question
Posted by: Klippies | 2004/11/18

Hoe vertrou jy weer?

'n Tyd terug het ek geskryf dat ek mense gaan verwoes ens. maar het toe nie daarmee voortgegaan nie. My vraag vandag is hoe vertrou ek weer? Soos ek vertroue sien is dit iets wat ek weer in my vrou moet kry en ek wil dit bitter graag terug kry. Maar hoe? My psigiater sê dat ek dit nie kan terug kry nie, sy moet my vertroue weer terug wen. My bietjie breins wat ek het vind dit nie so eenvoudig nie. Sou sy probeer om my vertroue terug te wen deur vir my goed te sê, hoe gaan ek haar glo as die vertroue nie daar is nie? Indien sy iets doen buite die gewone wat sy altyd doen, gaan ek nie die vrede vertrou nie. Ek weet ek moet my attitude verander maar dis nie altyd maklik nie. Ek probeer hard maar net somtyds sê ek nog dinge wat ek nie moet nie maar die vertroue is nog nie so sterk dat ek alles kan aanvaar nie.

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I agree with your psychiatrist

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Our users say:
Posted by: Klippies | 2004/11/18

Not so sure that it is the right time to discuss the things that annoys me. I did tell her what I like about the changes.

Reply to Klippies
Posted by: Not sure | 2004/11/18

So there were two times when she changed. I assume you like the changes after the incident. Why don't you discuss this with her. Tell her about the changes you like. Also about the ones you do not like. She may not be aware of the things that annoy you.

Reply to Not sure
Posted by: Klippies | 2004/11/18

Not sure, she changed a lot before everything happened and I did not give much attention to this. After discovering the whole mess and confronting her, she did change in such a way that I told her that maybe I am falling in love with this new woman. She doesn't believe me or doesn't want to believe this. Some of the changes is why I am falling in love with her again but some of them I do not like.

Reply to Klippies
Posted by: Not sure | 2004/11/18

You said that she changed a lot. Was this before or after the incident for which you sre not trusting her?

Reply to Not sure
Posted by: Klippies | 2004/11/18

To Not sure, She did change a lot and the extent of what she did was forgiven, truly forgiven(twice). I pray that I can get rid of this feeling of not trusting her. Very true what you said that if I keep on not trusting her she might say, what the hell, so this is why I want to get over this.
Kernel, I feel that it will take a big effort from my side to win her trust because I also made mistakes. The efforts I put in and the changes I am going through, you can see. On the other hand, I cannot see the changes, I must believe her in what she says and that is not always easy. I will give greater attention to believing her and I hope that this will come right.

Reply to Klippies
Posted by: Kernel | 2004/11/18

Trust is not like a light switch that you could switch on or off as you like. Once broken it is almost impossible to regain it.

It would take great effort from the other party to win back lost trust - a radical change in attitude and behaviour is required. Trust should be unquestionable and reciprocal. If she does not trust you - you won't be able to trust her.

The effort required to regain trust is most of the times too much for anyone to handle, hence a very low success rate.

Reply to Kernel
Posted by: Not sure | 2004/11/18

I do not know the extent of the problems you are experiencing with your wife. If your wife does not do the things that have caused the problems any more or totally change her behaviour to what it was before the problems, would it not mean something? It is true that trust must be built again, but if you do not believe her when she says something, she will eventually feel that why worry, he does not believe me so I might as well do the things he is accusing me of.

Reply to Not sure
Posted by: Klippies | 2004/11/18

Thank you SH. I am also to blame for the things to go wrong but I have made a big effort to correct this by getting help. This is why I want to get the trust back and I love my wife very much and it breaks my heart that this trust was broken. Like you say she has to work on it to help me to get the trust back because I do want to stay married to her

Reply to Klippies
Posted by: SH | 2004/11/18

Trust once dead, always dead.
You will never be comfortable / secure. Can you be happy this way? Can you be ok if she goes anywhere on her own, can she pursue hobbies that do not include you? Can she go to lunch without you suspecting.
My husband broke my trust and it's gone.
I know you wnat it back - wow, wouldn't that be the most amazing feeling, to have it back?!? Reality, it's gone.
Your choice - do you accept her, or do you leave and move on?
Either way, good luck.
If you stay, she must realise that she has caused damage and that she will have to drastically for the rest of her life try to make it back up to you... I'm thinking the female has some major work to do... Wounds will heal, no doubt, but the risk of them being re-opened by this cheating woman is great too, and next time round, maybe they don't heal.
Think of this from every angle and see what you can deal with.
I have no more feeling for my husband, it was taken away, cutt off - just like that. But that's me.
You sound like a hopeful soul, and I wish you the best in figuring out what your heart is telling you.
Cheers and power be with you!!

Reply to SH

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