Posted by: Raduscka | 2007/02/23

His Kids

I'm in a sitaution that I don't know how to handle and need an objective opinion and advice.

My boyfriend, G, and I got involved in 2004 but we were never a couple - it was just an on-and-off-relationship for 2 years. The 1st time we seperated was bcoz I found out someone else was pregnant by him. [I was living and studying in Cape Town at the moment and he was back home]. I then decided to accept the child and took him back. But after this I never really fully trusted him. After things went well for a while he cheated on me in February 2005 again and had a 6 month-relationship with this girl. I was SO hurt and couldn't believe he did it to me again. But I eventually accepted his decision and went on with my life. I've always had a soft spot for him though and he knew that. In July 2005 he broke up with the other girl and we got back together. I honestly thought this time it was for real becoz I was looking for commitment but in November 2005 I found out he made ANOTHER girl pregnant. I was devasted. He never had a relationship with either of his children's mothers.

By some miracle we worked through this and he's been faithful to me for the whole of 2006 and still is. We ARE a couple now and trust him - I honestly don't know I managed to do that. We are both happy - I know he loves me and I love him. Our relationship is just great at the moment.

I'm 22 (G is 24) and is at a stage in my life where I want to build a life with someone and now it feels like I want to build my life with him. I don't understand myself: I love his oldest girl - she's the cutest.
The other child is now 9months old but I can't find it in my heart to accept that child. Everytime he talks about, it hurts me so much.
If I build a life with him and have his kids in the future: How special will my kids be to him? I told him this and he said our kids will be special to him someday becoz none of his other kids were conceived out of love.

PS: He's a great father and loves his kids very much.

But I just dont know how deal with the situation and I cant see my life without him.

Can you help me please?

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Our expert says:
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Is a year of fidelity enough to assume he will remain faithful ? He has recklessly impregnated at least two other women during brief affairs, which is unpromising, to say the least. As the fathering of these kids doesn't seem to have been special for him, why would kids he had with you be likely to be different in his eyes ? You sound decided to trust him, whatever the evidence, and to believe what you want to believe. Good luck

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Our users say:
Posted by: Foxybrown | 2007/02/23

An alarming one.

Your boyfriend is or was, in the habit of having unprotected sex with women he alleges he feels no love for, if indeed his kids are born of nothing but empty lust. What does this say to you? He meets an attractive woman and is so consumed with passion he goes skin to skin. What does this say to you; what does it say for your health, what does it say for his consideration for you?

You took him back after he had unprotected sex with another woman. Fine, millions of women the world over do this. You took him back when he did it again. Yes, millions of women again do this. I just question why you have to be one of them. You love the fella yes I understand. But he has things he needs to deal with, like his propensity to get people pregnant and then leave them to raise his kids.

I am glad to hear he is a good father. But he has it easy because when he gets someone pregnant, two things appear to automatically happen.

1) He abandons the woman
2) You take him back

Of everyone involved in this issue, from you to his baby mamas, he has it easiest. At the end of the day he knows you are unable to leave him and that he need not commit to anyone he gets pregnant. It is this very security which puts him in situations where he is busy getting people pregnant.

I once dated a man who it turns out began dating me because he had just gotten his ex pregnant for the 2nd time. I found a letter from her. He hadn’t said anyone was pregnant but I found a letter. I took him back. Then guess what? I myself had a child with that man years after. When I was pregnant he took off with another woman the same week. Should I have seen it coming?

But ofcourse my dear. In retrospect, ofcourse. Ever heard of the term hit and run?

Anyway we are discussing you. If you want to stay with him, understand the new dimensions in his life. He is a father of two. The child you 'cannot accept' is no less his flesh and blood than the one you like. Where do you expect the baby to disappear to if you marry this chap? That baby you can't accept is expected to come spend time at your house, sit on her daddy's lap whenever she wants… you understand that you will share this man with his kids for the rest of his life? You yourself say he is a good dad. So then you need to accept that you cannot ask him to turn his back in any way on his children, including the one you say you can't accept. If you have rejected the child you are rejecting a part of the man and some day he will not be able to cope with being asked to choose between the two of you.

I am pretty sure he will indeed love the children you may one day have with him. However I am worried because I sense you will constantly be comparing your kids to his first two. How much money he spends on your kids, as opposed to what was lavished on the first two. Who he picked up and cuddled ‘more’. Who he gave pet names and who he didn't. Who is pictured more often with him. Who looks more like him.

Do you know what utter misery lies ahead if you are going to marry and have this man's kids, and then spend years comparing his affection for one child versus another? It is the kind of misery I am unable to express adequately here.

Its time for brutal honesty. You have an issue of loss of trust. You have an issue of jealousy - you are inadvertently jealous of a 9 month old baby whose father adores her. You are probably jealous that you were not the first one to give this man children. You will then be overly anxious and nervous if you do marry him and have his kids because you will forever be doing an inventory of his love.

These are issues which cannot be dealt with 'somewhere along the way' It is either they are dealt with now or you cannot continue to date this man, you cannot marry him and you most certainly cannot bear his children.

Counseling would be great esp if you can both go. Its either you leave him and find someone in a less confusing situation or you accept you have been dealt a particular card and make your peace with it.

There are children involved so it is time for the adults in the situation to get serious. Time for him to control his urges for unprotected sex - he could kill you with this act - and time for you to decide what it is you want in life. If he cannot offer it be honest with yourself and move on with your life. If you cannot accept baby number 2 be honest with it and don’t prepare yourself for a life of misery, being forced to stepmother a child you resent.

So what will it be?

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