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Question
Posted by: mimi | 2004/10/18

here I am again

Hi all
Here I am again , same old story , it was weekend , what a disater , every single weekend is a disaster , every weekend my dh drinks himself to a pulp , pasing out on the couch , even worse when we visit some where he ALWAYS get drunk beyond and then we are stuck , I normaly drive but lately I refuse to drive home becuase it is my dh responsibility to get us home safely , this weekend was worse , he starts to get verbally aggresive swearing at me because one of my family members had his birthday , I asked if we can sleep over (I know how it goes) and he started to swear and kick and scream becuase he does not want to pack etc etc, one word follows another , he even called me a F-en crazy bitch , all because I asked a simple question , and the best is if he swears at me and I swear back at him he asks why I am swearing at him (he can not remember what he said), we've been to marraige counseling,I beg, I write letters to explain to him how it makes me feel, nothing helps, it will go o.k for about 3 weeks , the drinking never stops , he is just so irresponsible, I can not handle it anymore , I have 2 kids and I do not want to bring them up like that . Am I being unfair , am I over reacting? I feel nothing , I could not even say good morning , it was as though my voice is gone, im tired and hurt

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Our expert says:
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Call POWA and consider leaving him and protecting yourself and the kids.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Shaun | 2004/10/18

Hi Mimi,

I like that you still refer to him as dh (hopefully that means dear husband?).
Mimi, have you read that posting by Jasmine to BT? If you haven't then please do. The stress is on the part that if the person doesn't want to be helped, there is not much you can do.
The need/want to change must be by own choice. Or you will find a recurrence coz the change was probably just effected for the sake of others & not self.

Maybe, just maybe, have you tried leaving him to whatever he wants to do? I mean, if he wants to stay home & get drunk, then leave him to do just that. Kinda tough love if you know what I mean...
Hopefully that if you show him that you've kinda lost interest in his supposed self-destruction, he may start taking steps to take charge of his life. Given the right chance Mimi, everyone has the capability to change, but the need/want must come from within the individual.

As I said before, I do admire your determination to keep this relationship. But I'm also certain you do have the knowledge at the back of your mind that there is only so much you can do.

My opinion is, If he hasn't been violent or abusive, then I sincerely hope your perseverance shows positive results. There is things that seems to be really stressing your husband out, I hope he comes to the realisation that he seriously does need help.

I'll say again Mimi, even though I admire your determination to stick it out & do your best, know when it is time to cut your losses. Just as he has to come to the realisation that he needs to change, I hope you will know when it is time to let go.
Also keep in mind that in the right circumstances, tough love is required. Be strong & don't deviate from your choices of action.

Good luck Mimi, & please keep us in the know.

Regards,
Shaun

Reply to Shaun
Posted by: The child | 2004/10/18

Dear Mimi,

People can change... if they want to. He obviously doesn't, and most probably never will. He is in a comfort zone and has all he wants. I grew up with an abusive alcoholic stepfather, and I'm still having problems. Emotionally and physically. My mother has never left him but she now suffers from Lupus, and every other imaginable desease under the sun, all stress related of course. Mimi, you have the choice to stay or leave ... if you wish to, you hubby has been given enough chances, don't you think? You and the kids deserves better. Please seek counselling and stick to your decision.
Best of luck, God bless .... it aint gonna be easy.

Reply to The child
Posted by: mimi | 2004/10/18

Dear Paul
I've been married to the man for 7years , Ihave 2 beutiful kids , my dh looks after us -financialy but that is it ,I think I am scared , I am scared that he will maybe change ,if he could only stop and listen , and realise what he is doing , he always works very hard in the garden and at work , but weekends are the only time we spend together

Reply to mimi
Posted by: Paul | 2004/10/18

Why do you stay with him?

Reply to Paul

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