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Posted by: Vicky | 2006/11/14

Help with daughter

Doc, wonder if you might have some suggestions. I have a beautiful 10 year old daughter, which had the last months stop studying. More and more I stumble on notes where she has not done any homework. We have tried talking to her, threathening and even taken away her pocket money, stopped friends visiting and just about anything we can think off. Again this morning I tired looking for her celphone which she lost (again) and stumbled on a letter from school where she did not complete yet another assignment! What should I do. I am about to strangle her! I am not even joking I will strangle her the way I feel right now. I simply dropped her at school and decided that i will not talk to her until she has decided what she wants. What can I do?

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Our expert says:
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Take her to see a good local child psychiatrist or child psychologist for a proper, full assessment, to get a clear idea of what is going on, and what best to do about it. I understand that you are finding this situation very frustrating, but youre not handling it in a way that is useful to her or to you. She probably can't tell you what she wants, becaus eshe may not know what she wants. get proper expert help for her. She is, clearly, communicating that she is distressed and not coping.
And incidentally, I also agree that 10-year-olds do NOT need cellphones. Good responses all round !

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Our users say:
Posted by: lady nina | 2006/11/14

hi kat

my baby is one that can talke and talk and talk, most of the time i don't even listen,

i'm trying to get her to realize it not WHAT you say but HOW
that she has to treat other with respect at all times

for years i only had two rules ( the kids didn't realize it cover everyhting lol ) honestly and respect
hopefully one day they will have care but wise hearts

nina

Reply to lady nina
Posted by: lady nina | 2006/11/14

hi gf and kat

no you have it all wrong, i'm not a brilliant mom, i'm learning by trail and error it's hard, spesially being a single mom, you can't be there all the time, im a tough mom and it's easy for my kids to fear me, something i never want, i like all parents feel guilty for not doing enough or doing to little, i'm blessed to have WONDERFUL teachers and friends who is there for my kids, i just need to pick up a phone and say help, we all have the same values and i'm sure they love my kids more than i do

being a parent keeps you humble and on you knees
there is no guarentees only promises

take care

nina

Reply to lady nina
Posted by: kat | 2006/11/14

i agree with with GF Lady Nina how do i deal with a 9 yr old son that is so full of shit he is agrumentitive and always has an answer for everything. i dont want him to loose that talent i just want him to stop useing it at home and actually listen. any ideas?

Reply to kat
Posted by: GF | 2006/11/14

Lady Nina, you sound like a brilliant mom!

Reply to GF
Posted by: lady nina | 2006/11/14

he there

allow me to put your mind at eazzzz, what is happing is quite "normal", i've have 2 daughters and found that both of them took a dip round about that age...

after 2 years of fighting my eldest, i've come to the following conclusion:

every age is a "window of opportunity" to teach them diffrent skills, i believe that from 10 -13 they need to learn that there is consequences for every action, for years we've tried to teach them to behave or keep out of trouble or just good manners, around 10 they get to the age where they have to see what good there was is learning all those skills, so they put whatever we taught them to the test, which is a good thing ( but painful for us) we don't want to raise kids who do whatever others, ( even us parents,) tell them to do, they must be able to choose to do the right thing and the only way we can train them how to do the "right" thing is to allow them to suffer the consequences. being good or bad

what i also found to work well is that we agree on the consequneces before hand, without emotions involved, set up a meeting , explain to her the new faze that is happing ( it will comfort her to know that it's "normal" and you are aware of it and in control) the purpose of the next 3 years will be for her to see how life works, every choice and action has a consequence and she is now grown up enough to make choices

keep the rules few because you will have to be consistent in the enforcement of all "consequences"
they must know that things like a phone, cd player, computer, tv ex is previledges and can be enjoyed if they act responsibily, they are not rights,( not in my home anyway)

show her that freedom and responsibility always has to be in balance for her to be happy, tell her all the freedoms you like her to enjoy, sleepovers, movies at the mall, friends or whatever

she must realize its her own choice of how adult she wants you to treat her and how much "freedom" she can enjoy, the more responsible she is the more
freedom" you'll add to the scale to bring balance in her life, you are not the enemy but only acting on what she provided you to work with

be greatful that you child is "testing" the world around her, now you can train her to be wise


the bad news for you is that you need to focus on this for the next 3 years, every day.... its hard but nessecary for the next faze in her life 13-16 when you need to know that you can trust her, you are building a very important foundation, imagine if she is 15 and you can't trust her - hell...

nina

Reply to lady nina
Posted by: LJ | 2006/11/14

When I was growing up my mother use to help us with our homework and she checked it every day to make sure that we have done it. Maybe you should do the same...

Reply to LJ
Posted by: FR | 2006/11/14

I agree with Kat. Why the cell phone????? She is 10!!!!

Reply to FR
Posted by: kat | 2006/11/14

what the hel does she have a cell phone for????????

at that age she has no reason for having one, if you and her father are not together he can contact her on your phone besides for her age she has not earned the right to have one not only has she lost it twice but she isnt putting in the work at school to be allowed that type of reward.

Reply to kat
Posted by: Joanne E | 2006/11/14

I was the same -- you know what triggered my dont care episoide? A teacher in Standard four losing her cool with me and telling me I was stupid.

Not saying that is the problem -- but why would this change so suddenly, there must be something wong somewhere.

And if you have DSTV and she is at home while you work, take the card to work with you each day as well so there is no TV.

I know lots of people say that you should not reward kids for school work etc or they will never learn to appreciate hard work?? Well I have realised that I get bribed to come to work each day for my salary.

Good luck

Reply to Joanne E
Posted by: Echelle | 2006/11/14

She is only 10 years old and you need to show her that you love her and treat her in a different way. The way you're treating her right now will NOT help!

This is what I think you need to do:
Everyday after work you sit down WITH her and go through all of her books. Ask her teachers to write down her homework in her book so that you'll know what homework she has. Help her with all her homework and don't yell at her if she can't do something right, help her until she gets it right! And after you helped her, let her do everything on her own while you sit with her. Be patient and make it fun for both of you.

Like I said a few times, buy the book "mind power for children" and try to do what they say in that book. It helped lots of children!

Reply to Echelle

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