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Question
Posted by: abby | 2007/08/22

help needed... soon!

Hi CS

Hope you are well, I just need to talk without someone judging me, I’m so confused and don’t know what to do. I’m a total head case at the moment

Ok I’m 23 and still live at home – my mother is divorced (from 3 husbands) and is struggling, I live with her to help with the rent and bills. I cannot afford to support 2 house holds which is why I live with her and don’t live alone and help her out. I am an only child so have no siblings to turn to, my mother has no family her sister died as a child and her parents have both died. She says her and her father had a fight before he died and that he never forgave her which I don’t think was true, he wasn’t that kind of person. She was never very close to her mother they fought like cat and dog and what she’s doing to me is what her mother did to her.

She is a mostly an amazing person but can be a control freak and won’t let me do anything I want to do and when I confront her about it she looses her temper totally, threatens to kill herself or threatens to throw me out, sell my stuff, often she even slaps me across the face for being disrespectful, she says that I am lazy and selfish and treat her badly – which I do not think is true, I do chores and my entire salary goes into the house, but this is usually her line when I want to go out or spend time with my boyfriend.

She only seems happy if I’m miserable

My bf has asked me to move in with him, he can see what my mother is doing to me and says I need to get away before I have a nervous breakdown, he has said I don’t have to pay rent, but I feel bad not contributing to his household. I also thought he was just asking me to get me away from the situation but he has since told me he loves me and wants to marry me and grow old with me etc. but for some reason I am scared to make the move. I thought at one point it might be because of my past, I was raped by my ex and 4 of his friends. My ex also used to hit me around.

CS I don’t know what to do I spend more time in tears then anything else, I can’t take my mother’s mental abuse anymore but for some reason I can’t move out. I feel that I am totally useless, a waste of space and oxygen and that everything that goes wrong is my fault and that the only way to sort everything out would be for me to commit suicide, I thought seriously about that about a week ago.

Is it her or me that’s the problem? Please somehow try to help me, I want to get out of this space and be happy but don’t know how to not send my mother over the fence, loose the one guy that means everything to me.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

This must be very confusing for you. If you were to stay with you mom, surely you'd have to choose a good time and have a calm discussion, about how IF you are to stay there and contribute so much towards the expenses, you need to be respected as an adult, not controlled, and to have your own rights there. Or you can explore the option of moving to your bf, and, perhaps in counselling, try to work with your concerns about trusting people.
You are very far from useless, and suicide would be a terriible uidea, aas well as solving no problems.
Is it her or you ? With her history of 3 failed mariages, there's a pattern --- it's her. You deserve a good life for yourself--- move out. and maybe while with your bf you can save some money towards having the option of getting a place for yourself.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: mack | 2007/08/22

abby,
i am sorry about your moms situation.life is sometimes rough and seemingly unfair.BUT.
You must ask yourself - 3 failed marriages- why ? a dad passing on after an argument without making peace - why?
a cat and dog relationship with her mother to the end - why ?
she abuses you physicaly and mentally - why ?answer-maybe she is just not a nice person !
NOW-you sound caring ,loving and giving.(sure you could also have mistakes -we all have !)BUT , you deserve a life.you have a loving b/friend ,who wants to build a life- I SAY GO FOR IT-YOU'RE 23YEARS OF AGE AND DESERVE A LIFE!!!!.You have survived rape and more ,give yourself a chance and live a little.CHARITY STARTS WITH ONESELF.WHEN YOUR'E O.K. AND SETTLED ,MAYBE YOU CAN HELP OTHERS.SUICIDE IS NEVER EVER AN OPTION.
make things right-choose life ,move out and move on.
GOD BLESS

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