Posted by: Hopeless | 2008/05/22

Help needed


I need some help. My fiancé and I of 7 years broke of our relationship mutually. She moved to her mother and is going on with her life. I stayed behind in our flat and only moved out now 1 1/2 months later. I have however realized that I want her in my life and wanted to get back together again. She does not want to as she feels too much have happened between us and we need time alone to find ourselves again.
She has always maintained that we did have love in our relationship but it was not enough. We did have problems but nothing I believe we could have fixed. We did have trust love and respect.
She tells me that she is very confused and does not know what she wants in life anymore and she will only be able to do this when she moves into her own place away from her mom in two months time. And if I push for an answer now it will be no.
I feel like a fool because I keep on contacting her and I keep getting the same answer. I told her I wanted to move on and she said to me I don’t have to until I am ready. She tells me if I want to I can as she knows how it feels to wait for someone and to find out that person has moved on leaving you stuck. I am very confused. She can’t tell me if it is over between us forever.
Now I am stuck having to deal with these feelings and I don’t know how.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Face facts. If she really does not want you in her life, for reasons that seem reasonable to her, that's it. No amount of wishing on your side will bring her back. But the situation sounds more fluid than that. It is sad when someone gives up on a relationship without making any realistic attempt to fix it, as with relationship counselling, and apparently this is what she did. She sounds confused, and pinning her hopes unrealistically on geographical solutions. Having her own place away from her mother won't make it any easier for her to decide about your relationship. But that claim enables her to postpone the decision.
When she says : "she knows how it feels to wait for someone and to find out that person has moved on leaving you stuck", this doesn;t sound as though she is talking about you --- has something else happened to her, earlier on, that matches her description here ? If so, she may be unrealistically judging her relationship with you on the basis of some other failed and hurtful experience.
Counselling, for each of you, and perhaps eventually for both of you, might help clarify matters and sort them out. But she sounds at present reluctant to find a solution

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Hopelesss | 2008/05/22

Yes she is basing her “don’t wait for me” on a previous relationship she had and the anguish she had when she realized he was not coming back. She is trying to protect me it seems. She is reluctant to meet this head on it seems and that is why I am worried about her. I don’t know how to let her know that we need to go and see someone. In the past she has told me she does not want to be the broken one in the relationship but I am also broken and told her I would like to see someone as well.
We did go for counseling before the above statement, but it was because she does not want kids. We did not finish with this because of financial reasons. We had problems in our relationship because she felt I was not making her feel happy and she had all kinds of demands and they became bigger and bigger and I was becoming more complacent because I was not able to make her happy. This was true for our whole relationship. I was feeling complacent as I was trying to keep us afloat so to speak and I felt her demands was unreasonable. My question is: do I try and convince her to go and see someone and how or do I put this behind me. I am hurting a lot at the moment . Where to from here

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