Posted by: Not my nic | 2005/12/12


Please do not judge me on this, I just need advice.
I am from a very ‘perfect’ family, my mom is a perfectionist and even in school 80% was not good enough. So I am a perfectionist.
We are a family of 5 children, I am no4 I don’t have any kids and my 2 older sister also don’t, my brother got married before his son was conceived, my moms rule is ‘marriage first, kids later’ now my younger sister who is still a teenager is pregnant – my mom still doesn’t know and she is almost 3months now, I want to be a sister to her, not a perfect sister. My problem is how? I don’t want her to feel like her 2seconds worth of mistake is appreciated but I also don’t want her to feel like I am discarding her because I know my mom will! How do I act around her, we never talk about the baby, I only told her once to take her folic acids but she refused and I let her be!

I don’t know what to do or say when we are together,
Please advice me on how to act around my sister even though she made a mistake.

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Our expert says:
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As you've noticed, pregnancy isn't something that can be kept secret for long. Far better that you be a real sister than a perfect sister ( perfection is often not useful, and makes people uneasy ). Hard to know for sure how your mom will respond --- sometimes they can surprise you in a nice way.
But what worrries me is that it sounds as though you are all in denial, pretending that this isn'tm happening. You need to talk about the baby, and plan for how she is going to look after it. She needs to take her f9olic acid tablets --- why on earth not take them ? You're right that there's no point in making a huge fuss about the mistake she made ( though if she tries to ignore it she would be at risk of repeating it ) ; but you all need to face facts, and speak about what's happing. None of you can cope with something which you are pretending isn't happening. You need to sit down quietly with her and talk through all of this. If you dont talk about it, you don't know what she needs, and don't know how to be helpful

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Our users say:
Posted by: shooter | 2005/12/12

not my nic, the advice from fio is good. i would follow that path & be as supportive as possible under those circumstances.

Reply to shooter
Posted by: figured it out | 2005/12/12

Tell her quite simply, that in times of crisis, this is when true love shows. This is a time of crisis for your sister, and you understand this, and want to put all differences aside, and be there for her in every way possible. Your sister may ask why? It seems starnge ot me that she is already rejecting your advances, so my question is why is there this distance between you that should make it difficult for you to support her?

How to act around your sister - as a friend. As a sister who cares and understands, and as someone who your sister needs ot learn to trust. And trust is something you earn, so the responsibility lies with you to earn your sisters trust, and best you honour that trust should she give it to you.

Reply to figured it out

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