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Question
Posted by: Pencil | 2005/12/12

He wants to get married

(just a note - weirdly enough, posting 11297 wasn't me!)

Hi all... hope the weekend was splendid...
I had a good one - things between bf and I are picking up and things were fine (except for the fact that I didn't see him Saturday - he spent the day with his brother (on short notice) and I felt a bit left out, but it turned out ok) - yesterday we had a lovely, relaxed day, and out of the blue he asked me if I'm ready to get married.

It hit me like a axe right between the eyes, and between the rooms of my heart! He wants to marry me - seriously. I mean, we've talked about this so many times, joking around, always talking in terms of "one day when we have our own house" or "one day this.." or "one day that"... there was once when he brought it up and (this was at the beginning of the year) asked me how I felt about getting married and settling down - I was so flustered, I didn't know how to react... And yesterday aswell - I dodged the subject like someone standing on very hot coles - He wants to marry me and by the sound of things he wants to ask me to marry him sometime next year... he mentiones "2006" a lot and smiles and winks and nudges when he says it...

My question is - I'm I begin totally silly in on realising what I have in this guy - YES - we have issues - but are they really big enough for me to pack my bags and go away to Europe?

I'm almost 26.. still young, I know, but - isn't it time to realise what I have and get engaged... and work really hard to make things work?

I know one has to follow one's dreams.. but is it worth giving up what I have? I sometimes think my expectations of life is a bit too high......................? If I leave for Europe I will have wonderful experiences... But I'll always come back to what I know, and it is where my roots are, here... with the same people and same things and same life... If I give up everything now... What then?

Confused. Highly confused. And indecisive. C'est moi..

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Frusty's observation is valid and could be significant. Giving up your dreams would be a very serious decision, needign to be made only for very major reasons. Isn't some compromise possible, if, as you seem to be saying, you love him and would like to be married but not exactly now while you have your overseas plans ? Could he join you overseas ? Could he understand the importance of this to you, and consider postponing the wedding he has in mind ?
Surely a discussion with him is needed, rather urgently ? If he already had known of your plans, this would have prevented this situation from arising. As ... wisely says, too, re-read your older posts, and check whether the problems you previously identified have actually been deal with properly. Maybe a session or two with a counsello would help you to clarify your thinking and make a better decision ?

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: lala | 2005/12/13

hmm it is a very difficult decision. but from my experiences with dating and men, i have realised hat you always know deep down in your heart what is right and what you need to do...but then fear creeps in and you end up doing what pleases every1 else but you...take time out and really think about this, bearing in mind all the issues that you have and how many of those are clearified. one thing you musnt do though is to settle for second best just cos he has asked you to marry him. do it only if you really want to and not bcos society sais you are 26 you need a man 2 marry you...think looong and hard about this, but personally i think you know what you have to do it just needs guts!!!!!!!!!!!

Reply to lala
Posted by: Dude | 2005/12/12

if uz go overseas,s uz will see new things, meet beautiful people an grow as a person... oo knows were ud end up in 5 years from now, uz only 26 ... god i wish i cud say that, an if uz hesitant then uz shud not be oldin onto eez dong no more ... if uz in love thats great but na fair askin eem 2 wait 4 uz if uz gonna go overseas... i think its a necessity 4 an individual 2 grow but if uz already set in uz life like a donut then do wot u mus ...

Reply to Dude
Posted by: Pencil | 2005/12/12

Thanks everyone. You're honest, and I appreciate that. And many of you are right - I take your advice to heart...

Can I be honest?

I'M TOTALLY CONFUSED.

I don't know what it is. One day I'm on this page, the other on the next page. A week later in another book... What's wrong with me? Am I experiencing the dreaded "mid 20's crisis", am I too analytical, and busy confusing myself? Am I too sensitive, too careful, too afraid to take risks? Some days it really feels like I seriously need to get a grip om my life.

I'm unsure of how to do that.

Should I go see a shrink?

Reply to Pencil
Posted by: CP MOM | 2005/12/12

I'm with "dot dot" on this one....

Reply to CP MOM
Posted by: Been there | 2005/12/12

...... could not have said it better.
You cannto marry this man until allot has changed - remember everything he has constantly put you through? What on earth makes you think that marying him will change any of it? Sweety fulfill your dreams gain your composure, realise yor self worth, if he is serious there needs to be change, and only he can change. You seem too desperate to get married that you're willing to settle - one shoudl never settle, if you always acce[t what you get then you will never get better - which you deserve

Reply to Been there
Posted by: ... | 2005/12/12

Pencil... just cos he asked you to marry him, now suddenly all the hurt and frustration seems to have taken a back seat... we all like a fairy tale ending... and it seems like so many woman, against their better judgement say yes to marriage because they suddenly start justifying things that have made them unhappy.......

I suggest you go back and read all your posts.... please only agree to marry him or get married once those issues have been resolved........ marriage doesn't magically change people or situations.....

If you follow your dream... you come back knowing that you did what you wanted to do... back to the same people... back to many things that might be the same... but you come back a "differen"t person.... a person who knows what it's like to have lived her dream... and with new experiences.... its better in my opinion than wondering for years what would have happened if you lived your dream.....

If this man is serious about marrying you.... and really loves you... then he would support your going away.... maybe you can shorten the time you spend overseas.... but don't make it so short that you actually don't fulfil what you want... but yes, compromise is important in a good relationship... but... from your posts... this man in your life... isn't very good at compromise is he?.... so will it be always you compromising?.....

please be careful... make sure this IS the man you do want to spend the rest of your life with... and keep in mind that just because he is now using the "m" word... doesn't mean he is any different to the man you wanted to leave last week........

Reply to ...
Posted by: Pencil | 2005/12/12

No, I haven't discussed my plans with him yet. Haven't had the guts, I guess... But this is the rest of my life I'm talking about here!!! So I'll have to sit down and talk to him and be completely and totally open! If he can't take it... should I then accept that he wasn't worth it.. ?

Reply to Pencil
Posted by: blompot | 2005/12/12

On the one side I am happy for you but on the other it’s a concern that he might not be willing to wait and give you the opportunity to do this thing that you feel you have to. That is selfish – don’t you think? And manipulative. Have you discussed your plans with him yet?

Reply to blompot
Posted by: shooter | 2005/12/12

hey pencil, glad to hear that ya luv him sooo much. I would go for it & get married. My wf & i met 4 months after we started speaking on the phone & within 6 months we were married, it was a good 6 years. we all have issues & if there are no arguments or little issues that "grate"& show that life is full of compromise then, what the, it won't be worth it. I hope you make the right choice

Reply to shooter
Posted by: Pencil | 2005/12/12

Love is a given on this one.. I'm very realistic and very... sensitive and sentimental - and a hopeless romantic.. of course I'll only marry him because I love him, not just for the sake of it! I'm afraid that, when I leave, he's probably not going to be willing to wait. Maybe if I only go for a few months... ?

Reply to Pencil
Posted by: Frusty | 2005/12/12

Hello Pencil! Ooooowee! Not once in your posting did you talk of love. Do you realise that? Don't get married for the sake of it! Bad move. Why don't you go to Europe as planned, for a specified time, and then see what happens when you get back. The other thing is, even if there is love on both sides, you will regret not having gone later on and end up blaming him and it will destroy everything. Think very hard on this one.

Reply to Frusty

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