Posted by: Daisy | 2009/07/13

He doesnt know what to do with me

Hi, I have been in a long term relationship for over 5 years and we are getting married in a few months. The problem is that his very shy in the bedroom. In the beginning of our relationship I thought he would become more comfortable with me but it appears after all these years he still doesnt know what to do with me. I crave for passion, been grabbed and ravished. I want it from all angles, in strange places, with dirty words, the whole lot. I thought I could put away my needs because he is an amazing man, but I find myself constantly aroused, but not for him. And since I have let this go on for so long I dont know how to approach the subject since he wont understand where its coming from. In the midst of all this I did sleep with another man.. and the guilt is killing me. I have an amazing man that I want to spend the rest of my life with, but feel so unsatisfied and now guilt ridden. Can I fix this? First, can I overcome this affair to make my relationship work - since the guilt plagues me. And along with guilt I constantly fantasis about this other man (since he is the type to throw you round the room and have his way with me which is what I love)? Second, can I get my partner to become more adventurous? Third, how on earth do I approach the subject with him? Feeling confused and hurt because I cant live the rest of my life not having fun in the bedroom, yet I love him with all my heart.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist

You are very eloquntly describing a very common problem in relationships. Disparity of sexual appetite. Normally its men that complain about this but its very refreshing to see it being articulated by a woman. As you have found out, these feelings do not go away no matter how much you want to seppress them. You will be able to do it for a while but eventually it will get the better of you - so suppression is not a long term solution. However it is now a good time to discuss this with him - before the wedding - if he does not know where its coming from - you just inform him that you have been suppressing this but feel you need to discuss it before the big day.
This also brings tot he fore the one single biggest mistake that we as humans make - we mix up love and sex. Theya re two completely different things and one can happily exist without the other -and its great if they co-exist - but one should not bank on it - not in the longterm.
perhaps he needs to come to grips with his sexuality and remove some if his own insecurities before he can venture out and explore planet sex. Depends on his upbringing. A sex therapist is the ideal person to facilitate this process.
do contact SASHA on our helpline if we can be of more assistance to you 0860 100 262

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: XXXX | 2009/07/16

I had the same problem with my bfd. except sex was great in the first two years of relationship and this past year he just lost interest. now we not together anymore..I told him how i felt and he dumped me :( I loved him but I don' t know why he would do that. we had so much in common, and this thing was mainly the cause of the breakup. After he lost interest I kept on asking him what' s wrong and how it makes me feel, eventually he just dumped me instead of trying to sort it out. Why do guys run away from problems instead of facing them? I feel like I' ve been cheated and wasted 3 yrs with him after seeing how he treated me at the end...

Reply to XXXX
Posted by: B | 2009/07/13


Speak to him but dont say hon id like you to check this other dude and copy ..........he will overload and pop.

Dont mention the other dude.

Get a rough movie and role play with him with you not to much in control ,otherwise he might think youre a domanatr-who.e in your off time. He will come around if he sees you enjoying more than the normal. Thank him ,and after something new tell him how much you liked it and reward him, like with a puppy it wil work.

If you want him in the not so polite place wait for him to relax with giving your bad arse a slap and eventauly requests will be in the order of the play.........

I know no NORMAL man that wil not be gratefull to get feedback if pride is considered.

On the down side if he is rejecting it and gets offended RUN RUN RUN it will not get better and you will always have an itch.

Work on it but stay in touch with reality, if you get maried unsatisfied you will live unsatisfied.

Best of luck

Reply to B
Posted by: P | 2009/07/13

Please! Just don'  t even consider telling him about your other fling and think you owe it to him or that you will feel better. Us men do not want to know about stuff like this! Our ego cannot deal with this. 10x more because he is not into you like that, so he will not understand and also always think he is competing against what this other oke did to your body. But even if you were both sexually alive and compatable, us men can handle this, just dela it with yourself, he did not look after you in this regard, so it is only natural that you found another way out.

If you talk to hom about your sexual cravings and he cannot understand it or cannot be moved to satisfy you then you will have to leave him, your sexual frustration will just boil over in time.

Reply to P
Posted by: XXX | 2009/07/13

All I can suggest is that you sort it out before you get married.If not the chances of you getting divorced will be high.
Never forget,sex is not so important in a relationship when you are getting it often but becomes all consuming when you are unhappy with your sex life.
I wish you the best of luck

Reply to XXX
Posted by: Kerry | 2009/07/13

Oh no, I really really do feel for you. See posts above.

I am in the exact same boat. Amazing man, poor sex life!
Teach him - at least I' m trying to... and hoping it works.
Your story has actually frightened me, because, like you... I know that this is the man that I am going to marry, yet I am so afraid of our sex life never improving...

Best of Luck!

Reply to Kerry
Posted by: Lady man | 2009/07/13

Take him to the bedroom. Close the door. Take a peace of rope and bind his hands and feet to the bed. Strip him and then you strip yourself, make him watch you as you play with yourself and watch him get aroused and then have your way with him, or you can then have him watch you another man are makeing love to you.

Reply to Lady man
Posted by: topdog | 2009/07/13

hi,do u have a e/mail add.

Reply to topdog

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