Posted by: Sue | 2009/04/02

He cheated

Last year my husband cheated and the results were that the woman fell pregnant. At first he dinied it and later admitted. We have two kids 4yr and 6mnt. We’ ve been to therapy and all but I still find myself four mnths later being upset about it. The thing is my hb swears he used a condom, but the woman says a different story. Chances are she is not pregnant which is whats driving me made (not knowing if she is or not).
Everytime my 6mnt old cries uncontrollably she just takes me back to those days that I found out. I suppose the fact that while I was trying to raise his kids (especially the young one) he was busy riding someone else. I dont like feeling like this but I just cant help it. I don’ t trust him anymore, I’ m not even sure I love him or if it’ s the comfort of staying with someone I’ m used to.
I don’ t even like talking to him about it, cause it ends up bigger than was suppose to. How do i deal with this situation?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Sorry, folks, for the delay in responding. I've spent an anxious day in the dark, as Tshwane City Council can't keep the lights on, and this is my third power-cut this year.
Surely after 4 months, it should be clear whether or not she is pregnant ? And your husband should insist, if she does indeed have a child, on a DNA test to be sure of who the father is ( or isn't ).
Sounds like your counselling hasn't worked yet, and more such work is needed, with both of you taking part earnestly. And this should include a serious review of the advantages of you leaving him, and having him pay appropriate support for you and the children

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Our users say:
Posted by: Betty | 2009/04/03

I agree with Boblina. Nevermind if the child is his or not. The main point is that he slept around. You will always wonder how many times. You will always wonder where they had sex. And if the child is his what then. Yes divorce is not easy! BUT neither is staying with him. The choice is yours. Whatever you choose. Good luck and God Bless!!!

Reply to Betty
Posted by: Anon for this | 2009/04/02

It' s been a year and a half, I am still battling to come to terms with my hb' s cheating. I honestly think that it' s over, it' s just a matter of time.
You will wonder about all the things that Boblina mentioned and it becomes less frequent, but when you do, you become more angry. I speak from experience, it is not easy. It also isn' t a healthy environment for your kids.
No one person can tell you what to do, that choice is yours. But the hurt stays for a long time, even after you divorce someone and they come back!
You don' t have an easy decision to make, either way...IT HURTS

Reply to Anon for this
Posted by: Boblina | 2009/04/02

Very sad - you must be very desperately lonely to want a cheating husband back.

There is no reason to stay with such a man and you will never EVER get over this.

You will always wonder:

what sweet little nothings did he say to her
did he touch her in this way
this they do this
were they at this restaurant
did they come here

and and and - it' s not something all of us can get over, I think very few can.

Just think about what YOU want right now not about what he wants or needs - he fcuked up and he must now take what is comming to him. If you need him to move out for a while so that you can re-focus then you tell him that, or you can go stay with your mum or whomever for a while - and then decide what to do with your life and your childrens lives.

Nevermind the " condom"  part - do you realize that he could have brought home AIDS ? HIV? GONNOREA? SIFILIS?

You can never ever change a cheater - once a cheater always a cheater. As to whether this girl is or is not pregnant as to whether its his or not is not your problem. This will all take a very long time to play out as well as the paternety tests afterwards - do you REALLY think you can do all that? And if it is his and if she is pregnant this child will be part of your life for the rest of your life if you stay with him, can you see yourself with weekend visitations from this child etc?

We can all start over. Yes its hard, Yes your heart will break. But in time all wounds do heal - they might not go away and we put them in a dark place and they come out every now and then but we do succeed in putting it behind us.

You and your 2 lovely kids deserve peace and quiet, trust and love.

Good Luck

Reply to Boblina
Posted by: Striker | 2009/04/02

Sue, do u know the saying that there' s a crack in dam wall? Well this is what happened here. There' s a crack in the dam wall. Ever heard of someone that could fixed a cracked dam wall? No there is no such thing. Its crackerd forever. Solution is build a new dam or keep on fixing the cracks, but eventually the wall will give way and break. Just give it time. U cant keep up fixing the cracks.

Reply to Striker
Posted by: Sandy | 2009/04/02

Do you really think her husband thought of all this b4 he banged another person and knocked her up??? NO. He didn' t think of his Wife' s feelings, why should she NOW think of HIS feelings.
Listen to ME. You will NEVER get over this. For the rest of your natural life you will think of what he did. Each time he bangs you, you' ll wonder if he isn' t thinking of his mistress. How do you know he isn' t?? Leave the Sleg Bum and move on.
Let him raise his bast*rd child with his mistress.

Reply to Sandy
Posted by: Anon | 2009/04/02

leave him and move on! damage has already been done and you will NEVER EVER be able to trust him again, not even 20 years from now. Now, surely you know what you have to do.

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Very sad | 2009/04/02

Hi, the exact same thing happened to me. My ex husband cheated and she fell pregnant. Same story, believe it or not, swore he wore a condom. Anyway, I tried hard to forgive and forget and managed for about 1.5 years. Eventually I couldn' t deal with it anymore and I left him. Please listen to me carefully - that was the worst mistake I ever made. I miss him dearly and only now that I' m not with him anymore do I realise just how much I love him. When you' re in that situation, yes your judgement is clouded and you start feeling like you don' t love him anymore. Divorce is not a solution, not until you' ve exhausted all options. I wish you all the very best of luck and I really hope you can work through this. Divorce is no plain sailing and it' s heartbreaking.

Reply to Very sad

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