advertisement
Question
Posted by: ricky | 2004/09/23

he blames me for his unemployment

im in a 8 yrs relationship with my boyfriend. its a distance relationship. he used to visit once in 2 months, just for a weekend.
he lives 250kilometres from me.
in december 2003, he told me that he is resigning from his job because of the following reasons,
1. to start his own business
2. to come and live with me, and marry me within 3 months. in this way he can also see our baby everyday.

this was the first time that we lived together, under the same roof. as time went by i learnt about the positive and negative things about him, and decided not to marry him.

now he blames me that i dont want to marry him and that its all my fault he is unemployed. his small business did not succeed and now he expect me to support him financially. is this really fair? i didnot mind to support him at first, but now he is relaxed--does not bother to look for a job. please give advise mr Shrinky and readers

how do i get him to move out?

am i overeacting or what? i feel hepless



Not what you were looking for? Try searching again, or ask your own question
Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Hi ricky,
I supose it is one of the hazards of a long-distance relationship, that it can be raher unreal, and you don't get to discover some of the irritating chaacteristics of your partner. And you are not over-reacting. It's sad that things did not work out. But apparently you did not instruct him or force him to give up his job and come to live with you ; and it certainly wasn't you who made his small business plans fail. For you to have helped him for a short while was kind, but it's outrageous for him to decide to stay with you at your expense for as long as he pleases, not bothering to seek a job, and blame you for his mistakes.
DC says it just right, and I agree with kernel --- he must be told that unless he can become financially independent, he can't expect any competent woman to marry him. I agree with your mum. You are wise to have suggested that he join you in counselling --- and of course, if he really thinks he doesn't have a problem ---THAT is the problem !

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

6
Our users say:
Posted by: ricky | 2004/09/23

thanks to you all. i appreciate your comments, now i will work on this problem.

please note that i have suggested that we go for counselling together, he refused and says he does not have a problem.

also, i asked him to apply for positions available at my department, but he said theres a lot of curruption in government departments, its a waste of time to apply.

he is a nice guy but sometimes i think he is too relaxed. he is passionate about entrepreneurship and intelligent and goodlooking as well.

mum is angry that we are staying together and that he wont provide for me when we are married.

Reply to ricky
Posted by: ricky | 2004/09/23

thanks to you all. i appreciate your comments, now i will work on this problem.

please note that i have suggested that we go for counselling together, he refused and says he does not have a problem.

also, i asked him to apply for positions available at my department, but he said theres a lot of curruption in government departments, its a waste of time to apply.

he is a nice guy but sometimes i think he is too relaxed. he is passionate about entrepreneurship and intelligent and goodlooking as well.

mum is angry that we are staying together and that he wont provide for me when we are married.

Reply to ricky
Posted by: Spooky | 2004/09/23

You are a wise girl for not marrying this loafer. Well done!
Put him out on his ear as quickly as possible. He is only trying to wriggle his ass out of his responsibilities by blaming you for his shortcomings.
Make sure that he knows how serious you are with regard to this issue and don’t forget to discuss maintenance support for the kid.
If you feel that you may very well require the support of friends and family, then by all means, get them involved!
Good Luck.

Reply to Spooky
Posted by: ICV | 2004/09/23

8 Years is quite a bit of time to invest in a relationship that you want to just give up on. If I understand you correctly? you guys also have a baby together?
You say you have already decided not to marry him, & I'm sure you have your reasons.
He is probably hurt at what he has given up to make a life with you only to find out that the life he thought he was going to make with you is not possible anymore. I would say that you guys need to have a good talk about the whole situation. Failing that you can try relationship counselling. As DC suggests above, if you have reason to believe he may become violent then it would be safer for you to contact POWA for assistance in this regard.
The thing is, you guys were so much in love before that you withered an 8 year relationship, while in between making plans to share a life together, & having a baby together. Maybe all is not as bad as it looks until you see that there is steps you can take to make it better, or steps you can take to move on. The important thing is to get the help you need & exhaust all avenues before you give up. Otherwise you may feel later that there could have been more you could have done. It is not a helpless situation, we just need to direct ourselves towards the right action that needs to be taken.

Have a good day,
ICV

Reply to ICV
Posted by: Kernel | 2004/09/23

Tell him you won't consider marriage if has no job/income i.e. he must be financially independent.

If you hve already decided that you would not marry him in any case, tell him to pack his things and leave your place - he must find his own place. You are not obliged to marry him and you did not ask him to give up his job.

Reply to Kernel
Posted by: DC | 2004/09/23

First of all, weigh the postive and the negatives.If the positive outweighs the negatives then give him the fol. ultimatums:
1. He should move out or make an effort to find a job.
2.You will not marry him, unless he proves that he is marriage material, by working at the negative aspects, maybe you can even suggest pre-marital counselling.

Otherwise, just ask him to leave and get a restraining order.If he has a tendency to retaliate violently, you can also contact POWA for assistance.

Goodluck.

Reply to DC

Have your say

Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
advertisement